This piece was first written in 2017, and first appeared on my website on October 1, 2026
This is my final essay in a series examining sexual harassment and assault.
The first essay can be read here, which also includes more information about the study participants. The second essay can be read here and the third essay can be read here.
I sometimes hear people ask why victims of sexual harassment or assault don’t report what happened to them (or why they sometimes wait years to make a report).
To help clarify the various reasons, I ran an anonymous study of 266 people in the U.S., asking those who have been victims of sexual harassment or assault but who have never reported it to:
“Please explain why you never reported any sexual harassment, sexual assault or unwanted sexual actions that have been directed at you.”
The free form text based responses to this question were then manually categorized based on what (subjectively) seemed to me to be the main theme of each response.
The results are below, as well as the full set of individual responses (after being anonymized to avoid any of the respondents being identifiable).
Warning: this post contains descriptions of sexual harassment and sexual assault.
FEMALE VICTIMS SUMMARY
When women were asked why they didn’t report the sexual harassment or sexual assault they had been the victims of, the most common reasons given (in order from highest to lowest frequency) were:
(1) they didn’t think it was a big enough deal to report
(2) they were embarrassed or felt shame about what happened
(3) they didn’t think people would believe them
(4) they didn’t think reporting would be helpful
(5) they were too young to know what to do or to know what was happening
(6) they were afraid of getting in trouble for reporting it
These results suggest that finding ways to reduce feelings of shame or embarrassment for victims could potentially increase reporting.
They also suggest that female victims who don’t report may not believe reporting will be beneficial to them (because they think they won’t be believed, or that nothing will happen as a result, or even that they might get in trouble from reporting). So finding ways to make reporting less costly to the victim and more likely to lead to justice could potentially also increase reporting.
MALE VICTIMS SUMMARY
Main result: when males were asked why they didn’t report sexual harassment or sexual assault they had been the victims of, they said (in order of most to least frequent responses):
(1) they didn’t think it was a big enough deal to report. [by far the most common response]
(2) they preferred to handle it themselves
(3) they felt it isn’t socially acceptable or understood for a man to be a victim of sexual harassment/assault
(4) they were embarrassed or ashamed to report it
(5) they didn’t want to cause problems with or for others
One thing these results suggest is that some male victims might report their experiences if they felt it was more socially understood that men can be sexual harassment/assault victims.
It’s notable that this pattern of lack of reporting is quite different than the female pattern overall, though a common element is feelings of embarrassment or shame being connected to a lack of reporting.
ALL FEMALE RESPONSES
Here are the details of what the female victims said, organized by category.
Category: Didn’t think it was a big enough deal to report:
* none of the harassment i’ve dealt with has been physical, all verbal and of it in a context where there was no point in reporting – random person on the street or at a job where it wasn’t a ‘big enough deal’ to call the person on it
* I have never had anything that I would consider that bad. I had cat calls when I was younger, but that is just the way it was.
* I guess I didn’t think it was warranted.
* I didn’t think it rose to the level of assault.
* Because I’ve never expressed this to that level of needing to get others involved.
* I never thought it was worthy of reporting.
* because there was not a need to
* It didn’t seem like something worth reporting or something that I could charge someone with
* Because I have never been physically touch or assaulted, I do respond negatively when being harassed verbally.
* The men involved were strangers on the street. There was really no one to report them to, except the police. Since the harassment wasn’t anything illegal– and these incidents took place in a city with a high crime rate– the police wouldn’t have done anything. They also wouldn’t have been able to find the individuals if I did report them.
* because there has never been any of big alarm
* Any instances I have experienced were in no way severe or harmful enough to report.
* Only had a cat calling incident and it doesn’t bother me. I just ignore it
* I never reported a cat-caller, because I didn’t feel it was necessary to do so. The verbal harassment by any strangers in the past was very minimal and did not last long. I would just quickly walk away.
* I didn’t think it was necessary.
* because it was my wife and I was just tired or mad at the time
* I really didn’t feel the need to report it. One of the people that harassed my was a friend.
Category: Embarrassment or shame:
* I didn’t report it to the police because I was embarrassed and didn’t think there was anything they could do about it.
* embarrassment
* This is a super complex question but I think the main reason is that I felt like it was so acceptable to them to do that it would embarrass them and me for me to report it. It would make them seem like an offender and a bad person when I think that they didn’t realize their behavior was bad.
* I felt too ashamed and embarrassed.
* I was embarrassed and thought I would get in trouble.
* I was embarrassed about being labeled as too sensitive and doubted that I would be believed. I would rather just pretend to other people that I was ok than risk bringing further ridicule upon myself.
* Because I was afraid to be ashamed, spreading rumors
* people always find a way to try and blame the victim, it’s embarrassing and shameful, there’s no repercussions for the people committing the acts
* I felt embarrassed
* I was embarrassed at the time
* I am embarrassed that it happened and I don’t want to tell anyone.
* Because I was embarrassed and didn’t want to cause trouble.
* It happened a long time ago. I was ashamed of what happened and scared I’d get in trouble because I was just a teen.
Didn’t think people would believe me:
* I was young and drinking under age and I stupidly went with a guy to his bedroom to watch tv. I felt like I wouldn’t be believed.
* I was scared and I wanted it to be over. I was afraid I wouldn’t be believed, or that it would have no impact on my attacker.
* Fear of not being believed and having repercussions at my job, specifically losing my job because my boss was the one doing this.
* I felt like no one would believe me, or they would not do anything about it. I was afraid if they said something the one doing the harassing would get angry and become worse towards me.
* I was afraid I would not be believed and afraid I would be blamed.
* Too much involved and the risk of not being taken seriously.
* No one would have believed me. And in one case, there was no one to be able to report it to.
Category: Didn’t think reporting would be helpful
* I didn’t feel anything would be done except make the person who harassed me angry
* I felt like nothing would be done. I was scared. And embarrassed.
* I would be ignored
* It was mostly strangers that i never saw again
* because i didn’t feel it was necessary to report because i had no case because it was just verbal
* I did not feel like it would be taken care of. I also just felt like I could deal with it.
I was too young to know what to do/realize what it was
* It was when I was younger and didn’t know better. I wasn’t a minor anymore.
* I was only 12 or 13 and didn’t really realize what had happened until much later. It didn’t seem reportable to me at the time.
* The only time it happened I was young enough that I didn’t realize it was sexual harassment until many years later.
* At the time of the sexual assault I was under age. My guardian wanted it kept quiet.
* Because I was young and thought that it was normal.
Category: Afraid of getting in trouble for reporting
* I was young and thought I’d get in trouble.
* I was sexually harassed at work when I was 16, it was by my boss’s friend and I was afraid to say anything. I was molested by my stepfather when I was 9-13, and I was afraid to tell my mother or anyone else at the time.
* The man making the sexual advances was my employer, the company owner. There wasn’t anyone above him to go to.
* I was assaulted twice in my life. The first time it happened, it was one of the fathers of kids from our high school, and I was sure I would be yelled at by my father if I asked for help. The second time it happened, it was in college, and it happened in a fraternity house. I was afraid to be kicked out of the house if I complained (I was a little sister).
* This hasn’t happened really but 2 times. I was young and was more afraid of getting in trouble by my parents.
Category: Preferred to handle it themselves
* I got my own revenge.
* I have not been subjected to any sexual harassment or assault that I could not handle myself. I am very fortunate in that aspect.
* I was able to handle them myself and the person never bothered me again.
* Mainly because I didn’t want to cause any issue or tension between the coworker. I stated my reason and my body language show that it’s unwanted. I think I did a very good job because it never happened again.
Category: Didn’t want to bring attention to it or myself
* I don’t want the issue to catch other people’s attention
* I didn’t want the attention and felt like it was my fault, some way
* I didn’t want to bring attention to myself or get anyone in trouble
Category: Didn’t want to cause problems with others
* Because I didn’t want to cause problems with others that new that person and me and also thought no one would believe me
* Because it was a family member who did it and I did not want to cause trouble
Category: Worried about further harassment if reported
* I didn’t want to call attention to it because I would risk being shamed for it or further harassed.
* Because I don’t want an issue and make it worse.
Category: No one to report it to
* There was no one to report it to.
* None of these things have ever happened to me at school or in a workplace, so there would be nothing to report. All the sexual harassment I’ve experienced has been catcalling and things of that nature, and there’s not exactly a place to report that behavior.
Category: Thinking it was my fault
* I thought it was my fault or it wasn’t really as bad as I thought it was.
Category: Thought the problem would resolve itself on its own
* I never reported the incident because I was in a relationship where most of these actions took place. I thought it would pass with time, so I wanted to forgive and move on instead of leave.
Category: Uncomfortable talking about it
* I was young and felt uncomfortable talking to anyone about it.
Category: Used to it
* I suppose I was used to it. When it came to the most extreme event, I didn’t know the man so I didn’t report and I was young.
Category: Didn’t want to perceived as bad for reporting
* I just accepted it. I didn’t want to seem like a prude or tattle-tell.
Category: Takes responsibility for it happening
* I’m just not into that. When it’s happened, I’ve placed myself in the situations and I’ was responsible for it. Also, what some consider “harassment,” I consider welcome attention and a little big of an ego boost.
Category: Other
* When I was just a child an older boy asked me if he could “kiss my *****.” I said yes before I understood what it meant. When he told me, I ran home and hid. He called the house that night multiple times asking me if he could do it. I became afraid and told my parents what was going on… my father yelled at me that I was a whore because I told the kid I wanted it, and then my father shoved my head into our bathroom mirror and made me brush my hair while he told me to do so, like “the slut” that I was. I went to bed that night realizing that I was very alone in the world, my mother would not stick up for me, and that I was on my own if something horrible happened, because my father would not support me.
* A.) Because it first happened when I was a CHILD, and I was too young to know to tell anyone yet. B.) The second time, another adult male told me that he knew where my mother was and would kill her if I told anyone. C.) Then, when I was older and I tried to tell an adult friend of the family about yet another man (yes, really), she told me that no man would ever try that with a teen and that I was mistaken. D.) THEN, when a step-sibling was told to get lost repeatedly, and I stayed away as much as possible, but that didn’t stop him, and I told my parents, they thought I was lying. That, despite the fact that he was the horrible black sheep of the family (and everyone knew it), and I was the good kid. E.) Then finally, when it happened when I was in the military, my friends helped to kick the guy out, but we all said aloud that no one would care to believe, would try to blame me, etc., so I/we didn’t. All friends there said they knew that (just like I knew that) from how many times they tried to speak up in life and no one cared or believed them. In fact, the victim is typically blamed. I’ve spent my life covering from head to toe to try to keep males (the bad ones) away, as a result. I don’t flirt. The non-flirting and very conservative dress is due to the people who find any excuse they can to try to blame you for it. But when you’re 3 year’s old, you’re not flirting or dressing wild. When you’re in the military wearing baggy BDU’s (uniform and boots), you’re not dressed wild or provocatively. People blaming and dismissing is a MAJOR part of why people who molest, harass and rape get to continue doing what they do. It’s an epidemic. And it is only this last week that I think SOME people are only somewhat listening. Most people didn’t care when the non-celebs tried to speak up for years. #metoo
—
ALL RESPONSES FOR MEN
Here are the specific responses men gave, by category.
Category: Didn’t think it was a big enough deal to report
* I didn’t take them too serious
* Wasn’t that bad
* It didn’t seem like enough to report or worth dealing with such a process.
* I was a kid, I was in dubious situations, skipping school, drinking, whatever, and when it was passed I’d suffered no real harm so I really didn’t care that much about it.
* Because i was never physically harmed. Plus i felt fine and that i was okay in the situation. I didn’t think anything of it at the time.
* I didn’t feel particularly threatened and considered it not worth the hassle
* I don’t see the point. I’m a guy
* It just didn’t seem worth the bother and I can take care of myself, I don’t want to cause anybody else any trouble.
* While I was not interested in the person sexually, I was not particularly offended or annoyed enough to make a big deal about it.
* They were minor, not at work/school and not criminal
* It didn’t seem serious, other party was “joking around.”
* Because there were no illegal actions involved
* It’s just been harmless flirting in my opinion. It never got to an extreme situation where i thought my life was in some type of danger of some sort. I can take care of myself.
* They weren’t that serious in my opinion to take it to that level.
* There really was never much to speak of, and it seemed like the consequences would’ve been pretty bad for what would’ve seemed charming if it was remotely reciprocated.
* It didn’t really matter.
* Because it was never necessary for me to do that.
* It is not worth the trouble. I worked at a company that was 86% female. It happens
* I never felt threatened or in danger.
* They were harmless and none serious have happened to me.
* I didn’t feel it surpassed the level of intensity that would require formal follow up.
* The times I experienced these things were very mild. No need for police involvement.
* Was not severe enough
* It was never called for.
* I just didn’t feel cat calling was a reason to report some one I mean I could of but it seemed so petty.
* The incidents were isolated and alcohol was involved; I did not consider it serious enough, or worth reporting.
* because it was just a girl trying to impress me, or connect with my by trying to get me to touch her etc
* I did not think it was that bad, it was not anything serious enough to report and I did not want the hassle.
* The only time it happened, it wasn’t problematic or significant enough to involve an outside party.
* Not that serious lol.
* it was too minor
* because the harassment that happened for me is just like a joke
* There is no point, not worth the hassle
* None of the harassments seemed that serious, and I could handle them myself. I think it is easier for men than women, although there have been occasions where I lost jobs when it was ‘understood’ that I should cooperate sexually with someone. I was never able to do this, and have only had sexual partners I was physically attracted to.
Category: Preferred to handle it themselves
* Because I am a man and I can handle most women that are too aggressive without getting the law involved.
* I am a guy and i’ve never been harassed to the extent that I couldn’t ‘handle it myself.’
* I figured that I could handle it on my own, and I really wasn’t sure that it was worth going to the trouble of bringing in third parties. I was also pretty young at the time, and may not have even considered that it was something that I could get authorities involved with.
* I would rather take care of things myself.
* I felt I could handle the situation myself.
Isn’t socially acceptable or understood for a man to be a victim of sexual harassment or assault or to report it
* It isn’t socially acceptable for a man to be the victim of sexual assault or harassment.
* Because men reporting women is viewed as strange.
* I am a man and it would have not been taken seriously.
* Males don’t typically do that
* Since, I am man, it just didn’t feel right. As a result, I just ignore it, despite, feeling uncomfortable in the moment.
Category: Embarrassment or shame
* I found it very embarrassing.
* it was a 1 time thing and I didn’t want to be embarrassed
* I felt it was embarrassing and would do nothing.
* Feel embarrassed to admit it.
Category: Didn’t want to cause problems with others
* Didn’t want to make waves
* I didn’t want to cause any trouble.
* because I didn’t want to get the person trouble, I just felt like they are being stupid and didn’t pose a real threat to me, and I thought it would be weird for a guy to report another guy for sexual harassment. Plus I was working in an environment where I was of one race and most of my coworkers (including the offender) were of another race and I didn’t want to strain that relationship with everyone I worked with by complaining about the guy.
Category: Afraid of getting in trouble for reporting
* Most of them were situations that I considered to be innocuous and not worth the trouble, ie, an acquaintance grabbed my butt or a stranger on the street said something to me. The one occasion that I probably should have reported to the police (sexual assault) happened when I was very young and intoxicated, so I never said anything.
* I am a man and I ignored the female sexual remarks for months because I didn’t want to take a chance on having future problems at work because of the company management.
Category: I was too young to know what to do/realize what it was
* I was so young, i was only 11 and I was afraid to tell anyone.
* When I was 12 I was used sexually but not sodomized
Category: Didn’t think reporting would be helpful
* Never thought anything would be done about it
* It was always spur of the moment situations where I couldn’t reach out for help or in some situations couldn’t even pin point the perpetrator such as in a crowded area at a concert or night club.
Category: Didn’t want to continue thinking about it
* It was something I did not want to get further into
Category: Didn’t want others to know about it
* i don’t want to expose it
Category: Didn’t think report would be believed
* As a gender-fluid individual, I’ve had difficulties when I tried to report an incident of sexual assault. I was questioned at length even though I was making the complaint. The officer suggested that I might be a prostitute trying to get back at a pimp or customer. My mental health was questioned and I was openly called a names like sweetie, honey, sweet-check and sissy. I felt like the attempt to report the assault was just more harassment.
Comments