This piece was first written in 2017, and first appeared on my website on July 1, 2026
This is an attempt to find out.
This essay is the third in a series examining sexual harassment and assault.
The first essay can be read here, which also includes more information about the study participants. The second essay can be read here.
The results shown below are from a study I ran about sexual harassment and sexual assault on a sample of people in the U.S. (574 people recruited on our study recruitment platform, Positly.com, answer questions about their experience as victims and/or perpetrators of harassment or assault, and 266 of these people were also asked to give free-form written responses for some questions).
In this post, you’ll see sexual harassers and assaulters attempt to give explanations for their own behavior, with the hope that seeing these responses will help us understand the forces underlying this big problem a little better.
Warning: this post contains extensive discussion about (and numerous accounts of) sexual harassment and sexual assault. Also, note that it is extremely likely that there was underreporting of harassment and assault related behaviors in this survey (e.g., due to unwillingness to admit to it even on an anonymous survey). The purpose here is to better understand the forces underlying harassment and assault, rather than to get accurate estimates of rates of people perpetrating it. Responses were anonymized and typos corrected. Responses were deleted when they were not substantive (e.g., “I don’t know”) or when they misunderstood the question.
I attempted to group responses by the main motivation mentioned by the responders (i.e., putting together similar responses under a header). So the header above each grouping of responses is mine, but the responses below the headers were each written by different study participants.
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Topic 1: Cat-calling – what did people say about why they have done it?
Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you cat-called a person that you don’t know (by making a sexual whistle, shout, or comment of a sexual nature)? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you cat-called a person that you don’t know (by making a sexual whistle, shout or comment of a sexual nature)?
MALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: male cat-callers mainly said they did it because they were hoping it would lead to sex, or to show off in front of friends, or to get noticed by (or attention from) the other person, or to signal to the other person that they found that person attractive. 18% of males reported having cat-called before.
Hoping for sex from the person
- I catcalled a girl at a bar. — I was horny and drunk
- Back in the 1990s when I saw a very attractive woman walking by and shouted out a comment to her on remarking her sexy body. — I would like to have sex with her.
- i can’t help it — i am horny and want sex since its been a while
- At the bar while hanging out with some friends. There were some very attractive girls at the bar. — I wanted to get the girl’s attention and ultimately get laid.
To impress friends or show off
- did it leaving a sporting event — as a show of “confidence” for my friends
- A girl walking by while working with my coworkers — Wanted to show off
- I was making a joke while very drunk in a touristy location so I only half feel bad about it because I am pretty sure the ladies in question were prostitutes. — I wanted to make a funny joke and impress my coworkers
- It was years ago while I was in college, I whistled at a woman I found attractive because I thought it would get my friends to laugh. — In order to get approval from friends.
To get noticed by the person / get their attention
- I yelled out of a car window at a girl. — I wanted their attention.
- I saw a good looking lady and wanted to get her attention — I wanted to get her attention
- I yelled, “Hey Hot Stuff” when passing by a person in my automobile. — I wanted them to notice me.
To let the person know you find them attractive
- Saw a hot girl while driving to work — Wanted her to know I thought she was attractive
- A long time (maybe 20 yrs) ago, I was with some friends and I whistled at a couple pretty girls walking into a bar. I certainly was trying to be sexually offensive, just let them know I thought they were pretty. I didn’t even know that sort of whistle was considered of a sexual nature. — I was just letting the girls know I thought they were pretty, they turned and smiled at us. They seemed flattered, we never did actually talk to the girls as they were aways down the street heading into a bar. It wasn’t uncommon for a guy to whistle at a pretty girl, especially back then.
To see how the person reacts
- Many years ago. Can’t remember a specific instance. — Probably because I thought they were cute and wanted to see how they would react to my overture.
For self-entertainment
- Years ago. It’s just a silly thing to do. I did it more as a joke. I didn’t really want that person. — It was a joke. I’m an aloof individual. My true reason is to entertain myself.
To meet the person
- I was with friends in a neighborhood in Miami Beach and I saw a very attractive girl. I made a comment about how attractive she was, she came over with her friends and they all introduced themselves. We spent the rest of the night hanging out as a group. — Because she was attractive. There’s absolutely nothing more to it. That kind of thing happens constantly in that neighborhood, it’s part of the environment.
As an immediate reaction to attractiveness
- I’m a homosexual, and recently saw a young guy pass by, and I said ‘Wow!’ but I don’t think it was loud enough for him to hear it, nor did anyone else. I was saying it mostly to myself, because he was so breathtaking. — As I just wrote, I was just surprised by the beauty of this very independent young man, and did not try to get his attention. I was just appreciating his looks, but I could tell he didn’t even hear me, so this is honestly very superficial, but you did ask for the most recent. However, I’ve never done much of that sort of thing even long ago.
Unclear
- I don’t even remember, I whistled at a girl or something from a car sometime within the past 10 years. — Because I thought she looked cute.
- I can’t remember, but it was quietly to my friends — I found them attractive
FEMALE PERPETRATORS:
Takeaway: female cat-callers mainly said they did it as a joke, or for fun, or to get the person’s attention. 9% of females reported having cat-called before.
Joking/to get laughs
- people think it is innocent to jokingly tell someone they are cute, being dumb with friends — acting dumb with friends
- I was young. 🙂 I leaned out the window and told a boy “NICE BUTT!” I was with my friends and we were having fun at an event. The funny thing is that had I seen him later, I would have been too embarrassed to talk to him. — He really had a nice butt. We were out. I was with my friends. We were excited and having a good time. I think I did it because it would make my friends laugh. Oh God, I am as bad as men who do this, aren’t I?
Fun
- I was out with friends and did it out on a dare — I thought they were attractive and that it would have been fun
- Not recent but for fun we did it at a concert toward the performer. I believe that counts since we do not know the performer. — It was for fun and that was it. There was no malicious intent.
- Back when I was a teenager I would cruise at night with my friends and we would yell things out to men or boys that we thought were attractive. — I was a teen with hormones. I just wanted to have fun and meet boys.
To get the person’s attention
- I have cat-called strangers at bars or parties. — To get their attention.
- when i went to the club and i was walking downtown — for attention
To feel a certain way
- This was at least 20 years ago, when I was out with a few friends and we were having fun. The men we cat-called (whistled) at seemed to think it was funny because they laughed and flirted back. — Because I was young and care-free and didn’t think of it as objectifying or crude. I just wanted to feel daring and confident.
Other
- I was younger and catcalled a good looking man riding a bike. — He caught my eye I suppose.
- a couple of years ago in a party with some friends someone made an spicy comment and i wink my eye and answer him in a sexual manner — if i like a person i don’t hesitate in show it
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Topic 2: Making unwanted requests for sexual favors – what did people say about why they have done it?
Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you made unwanted *requests for sexual favors* that you continued to make even though you believed the requests were unwanted? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you made unwanted *requests for sexual favors* that you continued to make even though you believed the requests were unwanted?
FEMALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: 4% of females reported having made unwanted persistent requests for sexual favors.
- I kept flirting with my romantic partner and encouraging a romantic night even though he wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to spend his little free time in that manner — I felt bad that previously when he wanted a “favor” I turned him down and was trying to make sure he was satisfied, but took it too far.
- I thought the guy was liking what I was saying but he told me that it made him uncomfortable. — It was for personal gain.
- because my wife was mad at me and she was tired. It was a normal marriage fight in my eyes and hers — Because I wanted to try different things and spice up our love life
MALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: males who made unwanted requests for sexual favors said they did it mainly because they desired sex, or because they hoped the other person would change their mind about not wanting to give those sexual favors. 6% of males reported having made unwanted persistent requests for sexual favors.
For sex
- I black mailed some girl to get in bed with me. — i was just a horny dude
- To my girlfriend — Wanting some sexual action
- asking a close friend to fornicate — attraction to her
- In a hotel with a girl — I wanted it
- To my girlfriend when i want sex — I was horny
- I asked a girl that I had sex with once before to come back with me (for sex) after we went out drinking together with some friends. She had told me earlier that she couldn’t stay over, but I tried to change her mind. — I wanted to have sex with her once again.
Hoped they would eventually change their mind
- I liked the person and hoped they would change their mind. But after a while I stopped after I felt I tried and the person was no longer interested. — I wanted to have sex with that person, I was attracted to them.
- just asking partners for particular acts they don’t seem interested in. — because i thought i could wear them down
To see what would happen
- It was several years ago while on a date in a foreign country. — For the adventure of it. And to see what would happen.
Feeling that the other person should change their mind
- I continued to ask a partner for oral sex but my partner continued to refuse because they didn’t like that I was uncircumcised. — I felt that my partner wasn’t complying because of a preference that they should change.
Perceived mixed signals
- The most recent time was a long time ago. I had a friend who I was very attracted to, and she gave me very mixed signals. That doesn’t excuse my repeated requests for sexual acts, but it was an element of what was going on. — at the time I was unable to successfully form sexual relationships, due to problems with my early sexual development that I had not yet overcome. I was very attracted to my friend, and a lot of that was very much *because* she gave me mixed signals and wasn’t really going to “put out.” It was a very dysfunctional pattern (on both sides).
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Topic 3: Verbal sexual harassment – what did people say about why they have done it?
Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you *verbally* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you *verbally* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*?
FEMALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: 5% of females reported having verbally sexually harassed others
Joking
- I have catcalled strangers at parties, or commented on their sexiness, without knowing them and without knowing if that was acceptable to them. — I think I thought it was funny.
- I was super young (elementary school) and didn’t know what was right/wrong or consequences. — I wanted to “try it out”. I didn’t know how to express my feelings the right way and I thought it would be cute/funny
To hurt the person
- During a fight I did say things about sexual experiences and similar topics that were towards someone that I was in a relationship with. I knew they would hurt and that was my intention during that time. — I wanted them to hurt because they had hurt me before.
MALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: males who said they had verbally sexually harassed someone most commonly said they did it in order to hurt the other person, but also mentioned a mix of idiosyncratic motivations. 9% of the male sample reported having verbally sexually harassed others.
To hurt the person
- It’s been 10 or 20 years ago at least. I probably messed with some friends’ girlfriends because I was in a mean mood & thought she was a slut. — Because I didn’t like that particular person & wanted to offend them.
- I was having an argument with a person. — I was angry
- Getting mad at a girl — I was mad and wanted to get to them
- get even with them — be an asshole
To express anger
- During sex, I started to verbally abuse my sexual partner. I don’t know if it was upsetting to him. But he didn’t ask for it ever before or after. — Anger towards men in general.
To impress friends
- I catcalled a woman as I was leaving a sporting event in a vehicle — To impress my friends
Thought the person would like it
- I called a girl cutie, but she didn’t like it. — I thought she would like me calling her cutie.
Feeling of power
- It was amusing at the time. — As a sign of power.
To show the person you find them attractive
- I talked about a woman’s breasts in front of her. — I wanted her to know I found her attractive.
Drunkenness
- I called a lesbian sexy but I was drunk — I was intoxicated and out of control
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Topic 4: Making persistent unwanted sexual advances – what did people say about why they have done it?
What were the most recent circumstances in which you made unwanted *sexual advances* towards a person that you continued to make even though you believed the sexual advances were unwanted? — What do you think the *true reason* was that you made unwanted *sexual advances* towards a person that you continued to make even though you believed the sexual advances were unwanted?
FEMALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: 4% of females reported having made persistent unwanted sexual advances
- Years ago I felt that my actions towards this person wasn’t wanted, but yet we still would go back and forth with advances as jokes. Eventually it turned out that they wanted sexual advances mutually. — I felt that there was something between “us” and when the other person would start to reciprocate the advances then things started to change.
- At an event years ago I flirted with a man I found attractive. I could tell he wasn’t into me (or the conversation really), but I didn’t let him out of the conversation easily and continued to flirt with him. — He was attractive and I suppose that if he rejected me then I would feel badly? So I wanted to prove that if I flirted better, he might flirt back a little, and then I wouldn’t need a date, because that would be approval enough? I’m not really sure, it was years ago.
MALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: males who said they had made unwanted sexual advances mainly said they did it hoping for sex, but a couple of males mentioned doing it out of anger and some mentioned other idiosyncratic motivations. 9% of males reported having made unwanted sexual advances.
Hoping for sex
- I flirted shamelessly with a waitress even though it was rather clear to everyone except me that she was having none of it. — I was drunk and horny.
- Its been a while, but I liked the person and wanted to do things sexually to them. — I just wanted to have sex at the time and the person was just there.
- my girlfriend stopped having sex with me even though I enjoy it, so I like to do it still — I was horny
- flirted I guess but that’s all. — sex.
- My neighbor is very attractive and I wanted to have sex with her. — She is very attractive and I am very attracted to her and so I wanted to have sex with her.
Anger
- some girl that got me mad that is my friend who was being rude to me — I wanted to get even
- My sexual partner was tired one night, and I continued to sexually touch them while my partner was saying they wanted to sleep. — I thought they weren’t actually tired, just upset with me for other reasons, and I was angry for that.
Hoping for reciprocation of feelings
- In my early adulthood I would make sexual advances towards a relative of mine; she had actually done some sexual things with me but was no longer interested. Still I would sometimes make advances towards her. — I had unresolved sexual issues from early sexual development that did not go well; in addition, I was very socially inept in general. I found her quite attractive and wanted to be with her, sexually and emotionally. I was desperately lonely and horny and she was being nice to me. It was a dysfunctional pattern. I’m glad I’m over that.
Thought the person was playing hard to get
- I was messaging someone on social media and we were showing interest in each other, and suddenly I stopped receiving messages, but kept sending some, hoping for a reply. — I thought they were just playing hard to get.
Fun
- Again, it was several years ago while I was temporarily living in a foreign country. — I did it for fun, for the adventure of it. I didn’t assault anyone, or force anyone to do anything.
Hoping to take sexual activity further
- When I was hooking up with a girl, I attempted to touch her p****, even though she had stopped my hand previously. — I really wanted to have sex with the girl so I was hoping that she would relent. The girl had no problem making out with me and me grabbing her a**.
Unclear
- I told this person I was going to f*** her — I was drunk
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Topic 5: Physical sexual harassment – what did people say about why they have done it?
Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you *physically* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you *physically* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*?
FEMALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: about 4% of the female sample said they had done this, though only one person among those wrote about what they did.
- I have slapped the asses of strangers. — Because I wanted to touch them and that’s not appropriate behavior.
MALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: the responses that males gave to why they physically sexually harassed someone were idiosyncratic, all in different categories. Overall, few men reported having physically sexually harassed someone (about 4% of the male sample), which is likely in part due to an unwillingness to admit physical sexual harassment (even in an anonymous survey).
Anger
- A woman was yelling at me so I grabbed her breast to keep her quiet. — I was angry
Defending someone else
- I physically harassed the boyfriend of my good friend…He had physically abused my friend…When he threatened to harm my friend, I reached out and cupped his testicles in my hand… He was quite disturbed and compliant by the turn of events. — I was upset and even scared; but, once he threatened my friend I had to act. I knew he was violent…I did feel a rush of power for knocking him off balance and taming his anger but mostly I was relieved.
Drunkenness
- I was fairly aggressive towards a bar employee to the point where they wanted me expelled — I am unsure, I was heavily intoxicated
Impulsive desire to touch the person
- Several decades ago, when I was a young man, one night I was in a bar and fairly drunk, and I grabbed a woman’s butt. She turned around and punched me, which I deserved. — I was drunk and did something impulsive, stupid and obnoxious. I liked her a** and wanted to touch it. It was a very wrong thing to do. Also I was sort of acting out, “this is what guys are supposed to do, isn’t it?”
Thought the person was coming onto them
- I inappropriately touched a co-worker. — I thought that they were coming on to me.
Hoping to take sexual activity further
- I was attempting to touch the privates of the girl that I was hooking up with. I only attempted several times, and never forced the situation to the point where the girl had to exert more physical force than pushing the hand away. I relented in the end and respected her decision. — I wanted to escalate the situation by further arousing and stimulating the girl, thereby leading to sex.
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Topic 6: Carrying out unwanted sexual activity – what did people say about why they have done it?
Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you had sexual activity with a person when you had reason to doubt whether the person actually wanted to engage in that sexual activity, but you continued anyway? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you had sexual activity with a person when you had reason to doubt whether the person actually wanted to engage in that sexual activity, but you continued anyway?
FEMALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: few women reported having continued unwanted sexual activity (when they had reason to doubt the other person wanted to engage in it), only about 4% of the female sample. Only one wrote an explanation:
- As previously mentioned, a time with my husband. Neither one of us were really into it though. And finally, we just talked and communicated about how we were feeling. — Not communicating over the course of several encounters and weeks. Trying to please my man even though he was trying to please me in different ways. Two ships passing in the night situation.
MALE PERPETRATORS:
Overview: about 8% of the male sample reported having continued unwanted sexual activity (when they had reason to doubt the other person wanted to engage in it). The most common explanation given for this behavior was having sexual desire to engage in the sex act (or complete the act if already started), coupled with the other person not explicitly stopping them.
Having sexual desire without the other person stopping them from acting
- i wanted to have and she didn’t restrict me.. — she didn’t restrict
- Like my husband had a plan to have sex at night and because he gets tired he changed his mind but he can’t tell me and I do it because he asked me too so may be that is the situation — because he did not refuse directly
- I was with my girlfriend. I had a feeling that she was not in the mood, she did not say anything to stop me probably to avoid getting me upset. — I was way too horny. I could have stopped if she would have told me to.
- I had sex with a man when he said he didn’t want to that night. I just started applying lubrication a few minutes later and started to enter and he didn’t explicitly protest. — I felt that he was apprehensive because of mental reservations but should learn to get over it.
- this was years ago and someone invited me over…I wanted to have some kind of sexual activity with them [even though we had agreed to just cuddle as friends] and I never had done that with them before, and having them so close was really turning me on, and I think that I was hoping that somehow the chemistry of the moment and the greatness of my desire would make them change their mind, because I thought they wanted to have sex on some level but just didn’t want to seem like they were easy by getting sexual with me too early on. So mostly I was guilty of grinding, and I wasn’t sure how they felt about it, but they didn’t move away or tell me to stop so…I don’t know. I do feel a little weird about that one. — she wasn’t explicitly stopping me or moving away or saying anything, I hoped I would change her mind and be able to both enjoy ourselves more
For sex
- Recently — she was tired and I am very persistent to have my needs filled
- I was at a bar drinking with a girl and later on she was drunk and I seduced her or talked her into having sex. — I was able to convince her to have sex
- A girl was on her period and did not want to have sex because of that. She was enamored with me and as a result, a bit embarrassed to have “messy” sex. She said she would f**** me when she wasn’t on her period…I convinced her to let her guard down and have sex. — I wanted to have sex.
Wanting to finish the sexual activity
- They said stop but I continued — I wanted to finish
- When I was a teenager, a LONG time ago, I did this one time with someone I knew. She was allowing me to do things but at a certain point said “no” a couple of times. I was horny and wanted what I wanted, and she was letting me. It was a seriously f***ed up thing to do. At the time I had significant emotional issues and was not good at interpreting social cues. Also I had gotten some very toxic messages from my environment about consent and masculinity. I was horny and f****ed up and what I was doing physically felt good. I’m glad I’m not that person anymore.
Other
- just to know if she will give it up. — curiosity
- It seemed as though both of us were going through the motions. — We were both wanting an experience that evening.
What do we conclude from this? What most surprised me was the wide variety of motivations for sexual harassment and sexual assault, including:
- anger or revenge
- getting attention
- sexual gratification
- attempting to attract the other person
- impressing others who are there
- attempts at humor
- miscommunication around desires
- self-entertainment or curiosity
Sexual harassment and assault appear to derive from a wide variety of motivations, which are worth grappling with when we consider how to reduce sexual harassment and sexual assault in society.
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