People often talk about how women are attracted to “bad guys” and don’t actually like the “nice guys.” In my opinion, this is based on misunderstandings of what is attractive.
It’s definitely true that some women are attracted to traits like narcissism, callousness, and manipulativeness (and some unusual women even go so far as to write letters to serial killers to get to know them). In my experience, though, attraction to traits like these is actually quite rare (I can only think of two friends who are substantially attracted to those traits in particular).
Much more commonly, I believe, women tend to be attracted to traits that have a tendency to be found among bad guys (but which are not exclusive to bad guys), like:
- confidence (or, at least, the appearance of it)
- lack of neediness (e.g., they aren’t sitting around waiting for the woman to call, they aren’t clingy)
- independence and not being overly concerned with what other people think of you (or, at least, the appearance of not caring)
- self-determination, knowing what you want and going after it intensely
- strength (emotional and physical)
- making the woman feel extremely desired and special
- charisma (intensity, presence, high energy)
- assertiveness
- self-respect (e.g., not letting others take advantage of you)
- power (e.g., you can get things done effectively in the world, others respect you, high status)
I know a lot of women who are attracted to the traits on the list above.
So, yes, many women are attracted to bad boys, but I believe that’s mainly because bad boys have a tendency to have (or, at least, appear to have) a number of these other desirable qualities.
Women are often attracted to traits found among bad guys, but thankfully, these traits are also found among what you might call “powerful good guys.”
The regular (non-powerful) “nice guy” stereotype invokes a sense of:
- low confidence
- weakness, patheticness, neediness
- a sense of entitlement or a lack of responsibility
- low assertiveness
- not knowing what you want or not pursuing what you want
- clingy, in need of constant reassurance
- lack of charisma (e.g., low energy, lack of presence)
- lack of power (e.g., lack of respect, living in their parent’s basement)
- low self-respect (e.g., letting others walk all over you)
- an intensity of interest in a woman (bordering on obsessiveness) that can come across as creepy
On the other hand, there are “powerful good guys” who reflect the traits that women tend to like while not being “bad” at all.
If you are a powerful, good guy, you demonstrate the following:
- a quiet confidence (rather than a bragging narcissistic confidence)
- strength that is used to protect others (not to take advantage of or manipulate others)
- self-determination, knowing what you want (but with pro-social rather than selfish goals), and going after what you want with intensity (but without violating other people’s boundaries)
- strength and charisma
- independence (e.g., strongly desiring to spend time with the woman, but not being clingy or needy, and not being pouty or angry when the woman needs time alone, and having a flourishing and meaningful life outside of your time with the woman)
- making the woman feel extremely desired and special (because you genuinely feel this way, and you are not afraid to show it, rather than this being a tactic to get what you want, but also the self-confidence, self-respect, and kindness to fully accept rejection and not get angry over rejection)
- assertiveness and self-respect reflecting a healthy expression of desires and enforcement of your own boundaries (not a coercive assertiveness that violates the boundaries of others)
- power that comes about through your respect for others and competence (not created through fear or manipulation)
- protectiveness that helps you give your loved ones safety (without any coercive control – a nurturing protectiveness can be very attractive to women, I believe, whether directed at the woman themself or to others like babies, children, and animals)
There is also a major advantage that powerful good guys have over bad guys – they are kind and supportive, two traits that women often report caring the most about in their partners.
These good guys also tend to have much happier, healthier relationships (rather than the damaging, often miserable relationships that highly manipulative, narcissistic people tend to have).
So, if you are a guy who wants to become the sort of person who is more attractive to more women, my advice is:
- don’t aim to become the “nice guy” (who can be viewed as pathetic)
- don’t aim to become the “bad guy” (who is a dick, or worse)
- aim to become the “powerful good guy” (who builds happy, healthy, long-term relationships)
However, if you’re not close to any of these types, that’s also okay, of course! And it’s totally fine not to aspire to be like any of these archetypes.
Women are very far from a monolith. There are women who are attracted to all sorts of different things (just as there are men who want the opposite of what most men want). But, I claim, the “powerful good guy” is a better archetype for thinking about how to be generally attractive than both the “bad guy” and the “nice guy” archetypes. Plus, as a bonus, modeling the “powerful good guy” archetype helps you be a better person in the process.
Women who are attracted to men: I’d be especially interested in hearing what you think of what I’m saying here. Do you agree or disagree with my points? I’d also be really interested to know whether you (or your close friends) are attracted specifically to traits like narcissism, callousness, and manipulativeness, or (insofar as you’re attracted to “bad guys”), do you think you’re mainly attracted to traits that tend to be associated with being a “bad guy” (rather than those potentially harmful traits themselves)?
I’ll add (thanks to commenters who pointed this out!) there are at least a couple of traits more unique to bad guys that some women do find desirable, in particular, ones that inspire thoughts like “He’s an asshole to everyone but me, so that makes me special!”, and “Normally no one woman can satisfy him, that’s why he’s a philanderer, but his desire for me is so strong that he’ll commit just to me!” and “I know he’s bad, but I can fix him!” While some women are, indeed, attracted to these ideas, I think it’s fair to say that most people would acknowledge these are unhealthy desires that typically end in frustration and failure, and they aren’t key components of most women’s attraction to men.
Finally, it’s worth noting that many (but not all) women find sexual dominance attractive (which they may associate with bad boys). But sexual dominance is neither bad nor good and has nothing to do with being good or bad per se (though sometimes people enjoy having it mimic bad behavior, such as with r*pe fantasies). In other words, sexual dominance is a neutral behavior that is equally compatible with being a powerful good guy as with being a bad guy. It can be done ethically (if done with consent and with attention to your partner’s experience) or unethically (if done without consent or with indifference to your partner’s experience).
This piece was first written on October 25, 2023, and first appeared on this site on January 18, 2024.
“He’s an asshole to everyone but me, so that makes me special!”, and “Normally no one woman can satisfy him, that’s why he’s a philanderer, but his desire for me is so strong that he’ll commit just to me!” and “I know he’s bad, but I can fix him!”:
These are also common plots of movies, books, etc., which makes me wonder how much of this is attraction (what women want) or simply socialization (what women have seen what other women want). Of course this is impossible to separate in practise but I would definitely be interested in seeing different storylines!
I wonder why *toxic* masculinity is as decried as it is. After all, that’s what women like!… And there’s a biological explanation for that… Into the *woke* atmosphere, women’s preferences become *sins*. But that’s fine, *sins* are turn-ons!
I’m not sure if you’re intentionally disagreeing with my post or not but what my post is about is that a lot of what (many, though not all) women are attracted to with regard to “bad boy” behavior/traits is not unique to bad boys and there is a non-toxic form of it.
It helps to always bear in mind survival, the kind of man who propagated his genes in the environment of evolutionary adaptiveness. He could win dominance competitions if necessary, so he was tall and strong (and these things are older), but also had social skills and prestige. He had a map and model of the world in his head that actually led to the flourishing of his nearest and dearest. Why would he not have confidence in his plan and command others to do so too? It’s a matter of life and death. So, he has a set of high-precision beliefs. We evolved an optimism bias in general because it’s better to be overconfident than underconfident. This all takes place in a context of violent intergroup (and some intragroup) competition where failure means death. Even a slight increase in risk-taking yields benefits. Who dares wins.
When you bear in mind that context, a lot of these attractive traits start to make sense. In what sense is a man who causes the flourishing and survival of his offspring and tribe “bad”?
At the same time, these traits have no more legitimacy than does sexual jealousy or the male preference for sexual variety. So, we should leverage consensual and prosocial versions of them, but not identify with them to a harmful degree.