I think it’s important to be aware of what we punish other people for. Including, and perhaps especially, barely detectable punishments that we give (which we may ourselves only be dimly aware of), and punishments that we give to people in our life, such as friends, family members, romantic partners, and work colleagues.
Since punishment reduces certain behaviors, it’s important to consider whether we actually want to reduce the behavior we’re punishing. It’s critical that we not punish behaviors that we actually want others to do or that are generally healthy or good for others to be doing.
The micro-punishments we mete out shape the behavior of those around us and can have a substantial impact on other people and our relationships with them long term.
Punishing the important people in your life can be even worse than I’ve made it sound, though, because while it usually punishes some specific behavior (which may or may not be desirable), it almost always also punishes them for being around you, at least to a small extent. In other words, if you punish a lot, you are training people to avoid you.
One important detail regarding reward and punishment is that, typically, what’s most strongly rewarded/punished is what’s happening at the present moment. So, if when your roommate comes into your room to say “hi,” you annoyedly ask them to do chores that they’d forgotten, the primary thing you are punishing is them coming in to say “hi.” You’re only secondarily punishing their failure to do the chores.
Consider these common sources of punishment that may have unintended negative consequences:
1. Aggressively pointing out flaws or logical leaps in other people’s comments. Others may become less likely to make logical leaps around you, but they may also become less inclined to bring up ideas with you in general.
2. Becoming non-responsive each time your partner brings up an important problem in your relationship. Your partner may learn to stop trying to fix the problem.
3. good-naturedly teasing a friend about something embarrassing or personal they just told you. You might be training them not to tell you personal things.
4. Nagging your child when she calls. She might learn to call you less.
5. Giving only critical feedback when a colleague shows you their work. They may eventually stop showing you their work.
6. Giving a disgusted facial reaction when friends express opinions you don’t agree with. Your friends learn not to express opinions around you.
7. Sounding angry when discussing politics. You may be training people to avoid the subject.
8. Sounding defensive when you’re given constructive criticism that’s intended to help you. You might be teaching the people around you not to try to help you improve.
The flip side of punishment is the reward. What are you rewarding the people in your life for? Are you rewarding them enough when they do behaviors that you appreciate? You are also shaping behavior with each micro-reward you give.
Consider these ways you can reward the people around you to increase positive behaviors:
1. Noticing when friends make interesting or well-reasoned points and giving compliments accordingly. Your friends may become increasingly enthusiastic about discussing ideas with you.
2. Being highly receptive and responsive when your partner brings up a problem in your relationship. They may be more motivated to fix problems that come up rather than letting the problems fester.
3. Listening to your friend with interest, kindness, and understanding when they tell you a personal thing. They might learn to open up to you more often.
4. Responding with great enthusiasm when your child calls. Your child might start calling more often.
5. Pointing out what’s right and well done about the work your colleagues have done. They may increase the rate at which they do these things the right way.
6. Channeling and really experiencing your warm feelings for a person while you’re talking to them. They find themselves wanting to spend more time with you because they feel liked around you.
7. Being excited and engaged when someone brings up a political topic that you really enjoy discussing. People may learn to bring that topic up with you more in the future.
8. Being grateful when you’re given constructive criticism that’s intended to help you. You’ll be teaching people that you want their help to become better.
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The excellent book “Don’t Shoot the Dog” (http://amzn.to/2fKCup7) by Karen Pryor got me thinking about this topic of interpersonal reward and punishment for the first time (when I read it many years ago). It’s about how Operant Conditioning (basically, the scientific theory of reward and punishment, as typically used in animal training) works and how to apply it in your life.
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