Gaslighting, where someone causes another person to doubt their sanity or senses, can cause psychological damage.

There’s an opposite thing, though, that can also be damaging. As far as I know, it has no name. I call it “lightgassing” (or “light gassing”). Here, I explain how lightgassing works.

Lightgassing is when one person agrees with or validates another person’s false beliefs or misconceptions in order to be supportive. 

Unlike gaslighting, a tactic of jerks and abusers, lightgassing is an (unintentionally harmful) tactic of friends and supporters.

Here are common examples I’ve seen that are sometimes, but obviously not always, lightgassing:

• “Since they did X, they don’t deserve to be with you.”

• “It was reasonable for you to do Y because they made you feel bad.”

• “You did nothing wrong. It was 100% their fault.”

Ideally, when you’re upset, friends should validate your feelings and help you feel heard and understood, but they should do so without agreeing with statements they themselves know to be false.

We do a disservice to people when we encourage their false beliefs. Most people have a value of truth-telling (and knowing the truth), and by avoiding lightgassing, we stay truer to these values.

But how does one listen with openness and empathy to an upset friend and still validate *feelings*, without validating *false beliefs*? This can be a tricky maneuver, which I think is one reason people feel tempted to lightgas.

If you want to avoid lightgassing, the key is to validate those elements of a person’s *beliefs* that you know to be true while empathizing with them and validating that their *emotions* are understandable and okay to feel. But the key is to do this without reinforcing beliefs in false things.

I think it’s usually not helpful to challenge what another person believes is true right in the heat of emotion when that person is sad or upset. So avoiding lightgassing will often initially involve simply not validating/agreeing with what you believe is false. Later, when the person is feeling better, if they ask for your opinion on the facts (or you feel it’s important for them to hear your opinion), you can tell them what you believe to be true at that point.

A caveat that I think is worth mentioning is that sometimes, the only thing we know about a situation is what our upset friend or loved one has told us. In such cases, I think we should start with the assumption that what they have described is an accurate representation of what they experienced (unless any reason to doubt it emerges).

Lightgassing (or light gassing) typically happens in ordinary situations where someone feels hurt or upset. But it can also happen in more extreme situations, such as when you’re trying to help someone who is feeling upset due to severe delusions caused by psychosis. 

In the case of someone with psychosis, the path of least resistance is to lightgas them by agreeing with their delusions, but this is not in their own interest. On the other hand, if you invalidate their emotions, you will likely make them more upset and may lose their trust. The tightrope to walk is to help them feel cared about, listened to, empathized with, and understood, without saying that their delusions are reality. In other words, to avoid lightgassing them while also not causing them to feel gaslit.

Does lightgassing really deserve its own term? Why not just call it “enabling”? Well, lightgassing can be a type of enabling, similar to how gaslighting is typically a form of manipulation. But lightgassing is much more specific than enabling, and enabling can include lots of things that are not lightgassing (e.g., buying an alcoholic some alcohol is a form of enabling but not lightgassing). Having a more specific term (lightgassing) makes it easier to spot and communicate about this specific pattern of behavior.

This piece was first written on October 1, 2023, and first appeared on my website on May 13, 2024.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Emotional Validation 

I would say that the main difference between the healthy validation of emotions and the unhealthy version is that the healthy version is based on genuine compassion, caring, authenticity, honesty, and interest in the other person’s experience, whereas the unhealthy version involves a willingness to sacrifice those things in an attempt to make the other person immediately feel good.

At a more detailed level, I think the healthy way to validate other people’s feelings involves expressing the following ideas (but ONLY when these ideas are true).

Healthy Emotional Validation

1) Care: I care about you.

2) Willingness: I’m totally okay with you feeling this emotion right now in front of me.

3) Acceptance: I don’t think badly of you for feeling what you’re feeling.

4) Interest: I am interested in learning more about what you are feeling and why you are feeling it.

5) Compassion: I have compassion and/or empathy for your suffering and want you not to suffer (unless you want to suffer right now, in which case I want you to suffer only insofar and in the ways that seem appropriate to you, such as the suffering that most people feel is right to feel after the loss of a loved one).

6) Understanding of facts: I understand the facts of what happened in this situation (and if I don’t, I’m going to ask open-ended questions in an effort to understand it).

7) Understanding of feelings: I understand why you’re feeling this way (and if I don’t, I’m going to make an effort to understand it).

8) Legitimization of feelings: I think it is totally reasonable that this combination of your situation, your beliefs about this situation, your thoughts, and your past experiences causes you to feel this way right now (and if I don’t see how the combination of your situation, beliefs, etc., lead to your emotion, I’m going to make an effort to understand it).

While some of this is helpful to say aloud when a friend or loved one is upset, much of it will typically be expressed through body language, attention, attitude, presence, tone of voice, and so on. The main thing is that these ideas get expressed in a way that the other person receives them, whether that expression is verbal or non-verbal, explicit or implicit.

On the other hand, I think that it’s usually unhealthy to attempt to validate emotions when it’s done expressing the following ideas.

Unhealthy Emotional Validation 

1) Disingenuousness: you say things that you don’t really mean or believe, such as supporting their claims about what happened when you don’t believe those claims are true.

2) Emotional reasoning: you support the idea that whatever their emotional response is to the situation is a perfect guide to what actually occurred (e.g., if they feel angry at someone, that implies the other person must have done something objectively harmful, or if they feel they’ve lost someone they had a fight with, that means that person is gone forever).

3) Justification: you support or encourage harmful or self-destructive actions they took or are considering taking as a consequence of their negative feelings (e.g., normalizing them taking revenge on the person they are angry about or justifying why it is okay that they did so).

4) Absolving: you encourage the idea that they made no mistakes or behaved perfectly or that someone else is 100% to blame for the situation (unless, of course, you really believe this to be true). On this point, it is often the case that victims of crimes did nothing at all wrong, but this is much less commonly the case when it comes to, for instance, interpersonal conflict between romantic partners, which usually involves both parties having behaved imperfectly, though not necessarily to the same degree.

To recap, people often want emotional validation from their friends and loved ones when they are feeling upset. People are often confused, though, about what this means exactly. There are both healthy ways and unhealthy ways to do emotional validation. 

The healthy version is not always easy to do, but I think it is what we should aspire to when a friend or loved one wants emotional validation. 

To do the healthy version, aim to imbue your responses to their emotions with genuine compassion, caring, authenticity, honesty, and interest in their experiences. And avoid sacrificing those things just to make the other person feel good.

This piece was first written on October 1, 2023, and first appeared on this site on October 11, 2023.

I’ve noticed that it’s quite common for people to struggle to know what they should do to support friends or family members going through a mental health challenge, and it’s also quite common to say counterproductive things in such situations.

With the aim of helping you better help those people in your life who are struggling, here’s a list of five things that are usually a *bad* idea to say to someone who is dealing with a mental health challenge, along with seven things it usually is a *good* idea to do in such cases.

Part 1: things that are usually a *bad* idea to say to someone who is going through a mental health challenge

1. “Just think positively.”

For most mental health challenges, the problem is not a lack of positive thinking, and even if it were, being told to “think positively” would not enable them to actually be able to do so. This advice also trivializes people’s problems and so can come across as quite annoying or condescending.

2. “Focus on everything you have to be grateful for. Other people don’t even have enough food to eat!”

While it may be true that their life objectively has a lot of good things in it, their mental health challenge is not going to go away just by observing that. Gratitude can be a very useful mindset, but it is not a solution to mental health challenges, and being told to be grateful for what you have can lead to feelings of guilt (e.g., “I’m such a screw-up that I can’t even be happy when I have all these good things!”)

3. “You have to choose to be happy.”

It’s extremely rare that people choose to have a mental health challenge, and very few people, if any, know how to take the ongoing action of “choosing” to be happy. This framing of “choice” can also come across as though you are blaming the person for their mental health challenge, which is likely to be counterproductive.

4. “Today is the first day of your new life!”

This assumes that they can suddenly break out of their old patterns by reframing their life as starting anew, but this is a very unrealistic assumption. 

5. You should read “The Secret”/”The Power Of Positive Thinking” (or similar books)

These are in a genre of books that tell you that your problems are the result of not thinking the right way and that if you just start to think differently (e.g., imagine yourself succeeding and believe it with certainty), you will suddenly start to have the life you want. These techniques usually do not work for people with mental health challenges and can leave the reader feeling blamed for how they feel.

Part 2: things that usually *ARE* helpful to do with someone who is struggling with their mental health:

1. Ask open-ended questions about how they’re feeling and what they’re experiencing, without pushing them to reveal more than they’re comfortable with. Listen carefully. Try to really understand what they are going through.

2. Learn about the condition. Reading a book or two about the condition they are struggling with, or talking to an expert about it, can help you better understand what the other person is dealing with and can improve your ability to support them in helpful ways. Keep in mind, however, that their manifestation of the condition may differ from the typical manifestation, so be careful about jumping to conclusions about what they must be experiencing.

3. Empathize with them and show compassion. Don’t blame them for what they’re experiencing. And don’t use their struggles as an excuse to spend a lot of time talking about your own struggles. Though if you have been through similar challenges, they may appreciate knowing that.

4. Encourage them (with gentleness and compassion) to seek professional help (e.g., an excellent psychologist or psychiatrist). If they’re struggling to get started, ask permission to assist, and if they agree, reduce the effort for them (for instance, by trying to track down an excellent professional and provide them with the contact info). Thankfully, most people will improve when they are given evidence-based treatment that is carried out by a competent mental health professional (though it may take a few tries and failures to find a treatment that works well).

If they aren’t willing to see a therapist, you can ask if they would be up for reading a book that is specifically designed to help people who have mental health challenges. If they agree, you can research what the best book is on the topic and buy it for them.

For instance, many people have benefited from the David Burns books Feeling Good (for depression) and When Panic Attacks (for intense fears, such as social anxiety and phobias). Chronic worriers may benefit from The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy. For people who are mean to themselves (e.g., engaging in negative self-talk), the book Self-Compassion (by Kristin Neff) may be useful. For people who have very intense emotions or who have Borderline Personality Disorder, The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay may be useful.

If the person expresses openness to it, you may also want to encourage them to engage in other healthy behaviors that may be beneficial (such as eating healthy food, walking outside daily, and getting regular exercise at the gym). It’s ideal if you can make these behaviors easier for them, such as by offering to go to the gym with them three times per week or by buying them a healthy meal delivery plan as a gift (with their permission, of course).

5. Avoid advice until they are ready to hear it. In an attempt to be helpful, people are often much too quick to give advice, which can be very frustrating to the receiver (especially when the advice-giver doesn’t really understand the circumstances well). The time to give advice is after you have done a lot of listening and when the other person has indicated that they would like your advice. If you aren’t sure if they want advice, you may want to ask something like, “Would it be helpful if I gave you some suggestions now for how to do X, or would that not be useful at the moment?” Of course, once they are ready for advice, you should absolutely give it. When you do give advice, try to make it clear when you are confident in what you’re saying versus when you aren’t as sure (and they may want to consult someone else, such as a mental health professional).

6. Do nice things for them that you know (based on past experience with the person) they’re likely to appreciate – whether it’s spending more time together, sending a random compliment, reminding them you love them, giving an extra hug, planning a fun activity for the two of you (that they feel well enough to enjoy), or offering to help them clean their apartment. What matters, of course, is what they would actually appreciate in their current state, not what you would appreciate if you were them, and not what they would appreciate if they weren’t in their current condition.

7. Make your help sustainable. Remember that it is not your job to “fix” this person’s mental health, nor will you be able to do so. Mostly, you can only help someone when they WANT to be helped and only in ways they are WILLING to be helped. It’s also important that you take care of yourself in the process. This person may have a mental health challenge for a long time, so (other than in cases of acute crises where extra action is needed), it’s not a good idea to extend yourself in a way that will not be sustainable. Don’t jeopardize your relationship with this person by taking on more than you can realistically handle, which could lead you to experience burnout or resentment. Just because someone is experiencing a mental health challenge does not mean you should let them violate your boundaries. If the person is acting in a way that is harmful to you, it’s important that you clearly assert your boundaries to prevent yourself from being harmed (while you continue to help in whatever ways you can, without giving up on those boundaries).

Conclusion

Everyone is different, so it’s always possible someone would benefit from items in the “bad” list above or dislike items in the “good” list. But I believe that following these guidelines will, more often than not, make you more effective at helping the people you love.

In summary, as a friend/family member, your job is to provide love, empathy, and the level of support that you can sustainably manage. Avoid giving shallow suggestions such as to “think positively.” Instead:

• ask open-ended questions

• learn about their condition

• empathize with their experience

• encourage the person to get high-quality professional help

• avoid giving advice (until they want it)

• do nice things

• make your help sustainable

This piece was first written on January 8, 2023, and first appeared on this site on May 28, 2023.

TIME

– Stay in touch: if one of your closest friends doesn’t live nearby, try to either plan visits or video calls or both; otherwise, a long time can go by without interacting

– Hangout in groups: when strapped for time, try to schedule group events to see more of your friends more often (i.e., when you don’t have enough time to schedule one on one hangouts with everyone); that way, you don’t have too much time elapse before seeing friends

– Hangout alone: hang out one on one with your close friends at least some of the time (don’t get in the habit of only hanging out in groups, as it doesn’t usually facilitate the same depth of connection)

– Plan retreats: plan trips with your friends where you spend a couple of days straight (or more) together

– Create a community: introduce your closest friends to each other on multiple occasions (e.g., by inviting them out together or by hosting dinners or events) so that some of them become friends too, and ideally, so that you all find yourselves hanging out together

– Befriend their partners: take the time to really get to know their long term romantic partners, and make an effort to forge connections with them too

THOUGHTFULNESS

– Share nice thoughts: if you happen to think something nice about your friend at a random moment, text the nice thing to them

– Give compliments: at least occasionally tell your friends what you think is awesome about them (in detail if you can); they’ll likely really appreciate hearing it

– Express caring: at least occasionally tell your closest friends that you really care about them, in whatever way they would be most receptive to hearing it

– Give surprise presents: if you see something small at a store that you think a friend would love, buy it for them and surprise them with it

– Send cool stuff: if you see a cool thing online that you think your friend would love, send it to them

– Remember occasions: remember your friends’ birthdays and other important life events (e.g., put it as an event in your calendar to help you remember) and call them or write them a note when these events occur

– Reschedule quickly: if you have to cancel plans with a friend, then immediately reschedule the plan (rather than leaving them hanging open) and try to let your friend know about the cancelation with as much notice as possible (also: try not to cancel frequently)

– Remember on trips: when you go traveling, send your friends photos during or after

– Apologize: if you are irritable with a friend when he or she didn’t deserve it, or you did something unfair to a friend, admit it immediately and apologize; accepting full responsibility

– Explain how you work: if you have personal quirks or triggers that people who are close to you can benefit from knowing about, tell your close friends so that they can better model you and so that they know how to make you happier

– Forgive one-off mistakes: if a friend makes a mistake that you think they are unlikely to ever make again, just forgive them immediately

– Explain desired behavior: if a friend makes a mistake or does a thing that bothers you, and you think they might end up doing the thing again, tell them how the thing made you feel and how you would prefer they act in future situations like that one, then forgive them

– Avoid excessive negativity: try not to be TOO negative TOO often when the same friend is around, as it can inadvertently be a form of punishment for spending time together, which is not good for either of you

– Explain what you need: don’t assume your friends can read your mind about what you need or want; tell them if you need or want something

SUPPORT

– Reach out when they need it: if you know a friend is going through a hard time, reach out to them periodically (so they know you are there for them) rather than assuming they will reach out to you if they want your help

– Reach out when you need help: contact your friends when you need help with a difficult problem or need emotional support from them, don’t assume they will automatically know when you need their help

– Varied Support: if you are in a period where you’re frequently needing emotional support, try to spread that needed support among multiple friends if you can arrange things so that one doesn’t end up bearing all the weight of it

– Support the way they want: if a friend is telling you about a problem they are having, try to figure out if they desire empathy, validation, optimism, or problem-solving, and give them whichever of these they actually came to you for (rather than what YOU would want to be given in that situation)

– Delay judgment: if your friend does something that you have a judgmental reaction to, try to delay that reaction and take the time to ask questions to understand WHY your friend did that thing (the more you can relate to their reasons, the less judgmental you are likely to be)

– Express concern: gently express concern when your friend tells you about something they are doing that seems like it could be harmful or self-destructive (since encouraging harmful behavior is a harmful form of support, and harsh judgment is usually not helpful and may cause your friend not to tell you about those sorts of things in the future)