Your happiness, like the level of the ocean, is caused by a superposition of waves of different frequencies. Each operates on a distinct scale – they sum up to determine your well-being at any given point in life. Each wave tends to oscillate around its mean or neutral point (except for the slowest waves, which take your whole life to unfold). One useful way to think about becoming happier is to take care of your life at the level of each of these waves.

Your Waves From Highest to Lowest Frequency

(1) Your Reactions [~a few seconds]: the fastest, highest frequency waves are your emotional shifts based on what just happened a moment ago. If you just had a sip of a delicious beverage, you’ll feel better than if you just knocked your beverage over.

(2) The Setting [~1 minute]: the next fastest wave is based on what’s around you right now and what activity you’re engaged in. Are you walking outside enjoying nature, shopping in a grocery store, talking to a friend, or reviewing your taxes? Your emotional state depends on what you’re doing and where you’re doing it.

(3) Your Body [~10 minutes]: how do you feel in your body? Are you hungry? Do you have to go to the bathroom? Does your back hurt? Are you overheated? These states tend to persist until something changes and more often make us feel bad than good – though you can, of course, have positive body states too (e.g., the feeling of taking a warm bath, getting a massage, or experiencing a post-workout high).

(4) Your Mood [~a few hours]: some days, you may wake up in a funk. Sometimes, after a few hours, your mood might change due to something good or bad happening, or perhaps due to nothing at all that you can put your finger on. Your mood may well shift a few times throughout the day.

(5) Your Circadian Rhythm [~1 day]: you likely have a time of day when you tend to feel your best. You might be a morning person or a night owl. Additionally, once enough hours go by without sleeping (especially after it gets dark), you’ll start to feel sleepy. If you slept badly during the previous night or your circadian rhythm is disrupted, that is very likely to impact how you feel the next day.

(6) An Acute Illness [~1 week]: do you have an acute viral or bacterial infection? Typically these reduce our functioning and make us feel bad for a few days to a few weeks. Of course, some illnesses are much worse than this, and some end up as a chronic health problem operating on a longer scale.

(7) Hormones & Nutrition [~1 month]: the most obvious cycle of this type is the change in female hormones during the menstrual cycle. Some scientists claim male hormones also have periodic (though not necessary monthly) fluctuations, but this is more controversial. Some nutritional deficits also operate on this time scale.

(8) Loss & Gain [~4 months]: if you lose something you care a lot about (e.g., you break up with the person you love, or your house burns down), it will typically take at least a few months to start feeling mostly normal again. And of course, sometimes it takes far longer than that if the loss is especially severe or if it’s something that is extremely important to you that you believe can never be replaced. On the positive side, a big gain can cause months or more of substantially boosted happiness. The obvious example is the “new relationship energy” of falling in love. But a new job you love, getting your dream home, a baby, a sudden windfall of cash, etc. may also cause months of elevated happiness before the hedonic treadmill starts to kick in to bring you closer to baseline. Of course, these positives can have long-lasting benefits, but usually they give us a burst of delight when they are new to us, and that burst fades.

(9) Satisfaction & Health [~ a year]: are you making progress towards your goals? Are you happy with your city, the people you hang out with, and your job? Do you have a romantic relationship, and if so, does it make you happy? Is your body fit or out of shape? Do you have chronic health issues? This yearly scale is often about our overall satisfaction with life, which involves an evaluation of how things are going overall compared to how we want them to be going.

(10) Identity [years]: Are you the person you want to be? Do you love (or like) yourself? Do you have lifelong friends? Is your life path one you feel good about? Do you feel positive about your past? This time scale is often about how you feel about yourself as a person, which usually shifts over multiple years (though it can occasionally undergo a rapid shift in the face of big life changes).

(11) Aging [decades]: as we age, our bodies and minds obviously change. Our aging bodies can feel worse and become less reliable. Yet there is at least some evidence of U-shaped happiness curves, with more happiness on average for the young and old (until very old age) – though it may be culturally dependent. Aging is the longest wave of them all. Good habits such as exercise and healthy eating can slow the negative impacts that come with age.

Your well-being is the sum of many waves operating at many scales. It’s easy to get lost in this sea of complexity and over-focus on just a few waves at the expense of the others. Here are questions for you to help you evaluate how each wave is going:

(1) Did your emotion just shift?

(2) How do you feel about the activity you’re doing right now and about the setting you’re doing it in?

(3) How does your body feel right now? Are you hungry, thirsty, in pain, etc.?

(4) How has your mood been for the past few hours?

(5) How sleepy or tired are you, and did you sleep well last night?

(6) Are you sick right now?

(7) Have you been eating healthy and nutritious foods lately, and are you being affected by your hormone levels?

(8) Are you processing some form of loss right now?

(9) How satisfied are you with your life?

(10) How satisfied are you with who you are?

(11) Are you taking care of your body for the very long term?

This piece was first written on October 17, 2020, and first appeared on this site on April 1, 2022.

The “Responsibility Mindset” is one of the most powerful perspectives I know of.

It’s the difference between:

1. “The ball wasn’t on my side of the court, so I didn’t go for it,” and
2. “Clearly, nobody else was going to be able to hit the ball in time, so I ran for it.”

1. “This party is boring,” and
2. “Who wants to dance with me? Let’s get this party started!”

1. “I can’t do my job because nobody is doing this thing I need,” and
2. “I haven’t been able to do my job because nobody is doing this thing I need – I’ll let my manager know why I am blocked.” (H/T Emily Dempsey)

1. “I am lonely, this sucks,” and
2. “I am lonely, this sucks, so I’m going to make an effort to meet more people, and I’m going to set up regularly repeating calls with my friends.”

1. “I was wronged, and I didn’t deserve it,” and
2. “I was wronged, and I didn’t deserve it, and I’m going to sever my ties with this harmful person if warranted, or make clear what I need from them going forward to feel good about maintaining a relationship.”

1. “This policy makes no sense; what a pain it is for everyone to deal with,” and
2. “This policy makes no sense; what a pain it is for everyone to deal with. I’m going to rally up a group to try to get it changed.”

There are, without a doubt, some people that take too much responsibility. Such people might blame themselves for problems that they didn’t cause or get cajoled into taking care of other people’s responsibilities (especially if they have trouble setting strong boundaries or have the unfortunate luck to interface with highly manipulative people).

What’s more, we certainly can’t take responsibility for everything: it would be overwhelming and unproductive. So we must prioritize.

But many of us (most of us?) could benefit from strategically adopting the Responsibility Mindset.

At its core, the Responsibility Mindset is about being the “master of your fate: the captain of your soul.”

It’s about recognizing that, if you have a goal, choosing to take responsibility (even though you don’t have to) will usually lead to better outcomes – even if you CAN rightly say “this isn’t my responsibility” or “this isn’t fair,” and even though the world WILL throw all kinds of difficulties at you, and even though there IS a tremendous amount of luck influencing our lives (for better and worse). You have to take the reins of the sleigh if you want to influence your destination (even though your hands hurt from the cold, and the reindeer have all gone insane).

…It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

– Invictus by William Ernest Henley

When Henley was a teenager, his leg required amputation due to complications from tuberculosis. In the early 1870s, after seeking treatment for problems with his other leg, he was told that it would also require amputation. He instead chose to go to Edinburgh to enlist the services of the distinguished English surgeon Joseph Lister, who was able to save Henley’s remaining leg after multiple surgical interventions on the foot. Henley spent three years in hospital (1873–75) recovering, during which time he was moved to write the verses that became the poem “Invictus.” (Source: Wikipedia)