Here are four incredibly bad ideas (that are still commonly believed):

1) That people should be judged for, blamed for, or feel shame about the behavior of their ancestors.

Of course, if your ancestors did bad things, you should condemn those acts. And if you directly benefit from something bad your family member did, you should consider if you can make amends.

But, logically, people cannot be morally responsible for events that they were unable to affect.

This bad idea (that we are responsible for the behavior of our ancestors) is partly responsible for numerous cycles of violent conflict, as well as for unjust punishments and unhelpful guilt.

2) That small differences in group means are a good justification for jumping to conclusions about members.

This idea is partly responsible for a variety of forms of prejudice and harmful stereotyping.

Epistemically, a small mean difference provides only a sliver of evidence about individuals. Morally, it’s unjust to treat individuals as though only their group matters.

3) That there’s a simple explanation for all or most human behavior.

Variations on this idea have led to a great deal of confusion about human nature.

Human behavior is not all about sex, or self-interest, or happiness, or status, or individual survival, or even love.

Humans have a very diverse set of forces that influence behavior: emotions, culture, values, habits, instincts, heuristics, goals, etc.

4) That you need to follow a prescribed template in order to have a fulfilling life.

This idea has led to countless people being pressured into or trapped in lives that are bad for them.

Some people will be happiest as homemakers, others as professionals, and still others as adventurers, etc. Sometimes, the best life for a person will match the stereotype for their gender or group; other times, it will be the opposite, and at other times, it will seem completely out of left field.

Our boxes are much too small to force people’s lives into.

This piece was first written on July 5, 2024, and first appeared on my website on November 10, 2024.

It’s definitely true that some women are attracted to traits like narcissism, callousness, and manipulativeness (and some unusual women even go so far as to write letters to serial killers to get to know them). In my experience, though, attraction to traits like these is actually quite rare (I can only think of two friends who are substantially attracted to those traits in particular).

Much more commonly, I believe, women tend to be attracted to traits that have a tendency to be found among bad guys (but which are not exclusive to bad guys), like:

• confidence (or, at least, the appearance of it)
• lack of neediness (e.g., they aren’t sitting around waiting for the woman to call, they aren’t clingy)
• independence and not being overly concerned with what other people think of you (or, at least, the appearance of not caring)
• self-determination, knowing what you want and going after it intensely
• strength (emotional and physical)
• making the woman feel extremely desired and special
• charisma (intensity, presence, high energy)
• assertiveness
• self-respect (e.g., not letting others take advantage of you)
• power (e.g., you can get things done effectively in the world, others respect you, high status)

I know a lot of women who are attracted to the traits on the list above.
So, yes, many women are attracted to bad boys, but I believe that’s mainly because bad boys have a tendency to have (or, at least, appear to have) a number of these other desirable qualities.
Women are often attracted to traits found among bad guys, but thankfully, these traits are also found among what you might call “powerful good guys.”

The regular (non-powerful) “nice guy” stereotype invokes a sense of:

• low confidence
• weakness, patheticness, neediness
• a sense of entitlement or a lack of responsibility
• low assertiveness
• not knowing what you want or not pursuing what you want
• clingy, in need of constant reassurance
• lack of charisma (e.g., low energy, lack of presence)
• lack of power (e.g., lack of respect, living in their parent’s basement)
• low self-respect (e.g., letting others walk all over you)
• an intensity of interest in a woman (bordering on obsessiveness) that can come across as creepy

On the other hand, there are “powerful good guys” who reflect the traits that women tend to like while not being “bad” at all.

If you are a powerful, good guy, you demonstrate the following:

• a quiet confidence (rather than a bragging narcissistic confidence)
• strength that is used to protect others (not to take advantage of or manipulate others)
• self-determination, knowing what you want (but with pro-social rather than selfish goals), and going after what you want with intensity (but without violating other people’s boundaries)
• strength and charisma
• independence (e.g., strongly desiring to spend time with the woman, but not being clingy or needy, and not being pouty or angry when the woman needs time alone, and having a flourishing and meaningful life outside of your time with the woman)
• making the woman feel extremely desired and special (because you genuinely feel this way, and you are not afraid to show it, rather than this being a tactic to get what you want, but also the self-confidence, self-respect, and kindness to fully accept rejection and not get angry over rejection)
• assertiveness and self-respect reflecting a healthy expression of desires and enforcement of your own boundaries (not a coercive assertiveness that violates the boundaries of others)
• power that comes about through your respect for others and competence (not created through fear or manipulation)
• protectiveness that helps you give your loved ones safety (without any coercive control – a nurturing protectiveness can be very attractive to women, I believe, whether directed at the woman themself or to others like babies, children, and animals)

There is also a major advantage that powerful good guys have over bad guys – they are kind and supportive, two traits that women often report caring the most about in their partners.

These good guys also tend to have much happier, healthier relationships (rather than the damaging, often miserable relationships that highly manipulative, narcissistic people tend to have).

So, if you are a guy who wants to become the sort of person who is more attractive to more women, my advice is:

• don’t aim to become the “nice guy” (who can be viewed as pathetic)
• don’t aim to become the “bad guy” (who is a dick, or worse)
• aim to become the “powerful good guy” (who builds happy, healthy, long-term relationships)

However, if you’re not close to any of these types, that’s also okay, of course! And it’s totally fine not to aspire to be like any of these archetypes.

Women are very far from a monolith. There are women who are attracted to all sorts of different things (just as there are men who want the opposite of what most men want). But, I claim, the “powerful good guy” is a better archetype for thinking about how to be generally attractive than both the “bad guy” and the “nice guy” archetypes. Plus, as a bonus, modeling the “powerful good guy” archetype helps you be a better person in the process.

Women who are attracted to men: I’d be especially interested in hearing what you think of what I’m saying here. Do you agree or disagree with my points? I’d also be really interested to know whether you (or your close friends) are attracted specifically to traits like narcissism, callousness, and manipulativeness, or (insofar as you’re attracted to “bad guys”), do you think you’re mainly attracted to traits that tend to be associated with being a “bad guy” (rather than those potentially harmful traits themselves)?

I’ll add (thanks to commenters who pointed this out!) there are at least a couple of traits more unique to bad guys that some women do find desirable, in particular, ones that inspire thoughts like “He’s an asshole to everyone but me, so that makes me special!”, and “Normally no one woman can satisfy him, that’s why he’s a philanderer, but his desire for me is so strong that he’ll commit just to me!” and “I know he’s bad, but I can fix him!” While some women are, indeed, attracted to these ideas, I think it’s fair to say that most people would acknowledge these are unhealthy desires that typically end in frustration and failure, and they aren’t key components of most women’s attraction to men.

Finally, it’s worth noting that many (but not all) women find sexual dominance attractive (which they may associate with bad boys). But sexual dominance is neither bad nor good and has nothing to do with being good or bad per se (though sometimes people enjoy having it mimic bad behavior, such as with r*pe fantasies). In other words, sexual dominance is a neutral behavior that is equally compatible with being a powerful good guy as with being a bad guy. It can be done ethically (if done with consent and with attention to your partner’s experience) or unethically (if done without consent or with indifference to your partner’s experience).

This piece was first written on October 25, 2023, and first appeared on this site on January 18, 2024.

Using the analogy of being trapped in an actual pit, the guide below sorts these eight pitfalls into three different kinds: Beliefs Traps, Social Traps, and Avoidance Traps & Desire Traps.

Psychological Traps

Belief Traps: pits of belief

These traps result from false or unacknowledged beliefs we have about the world, which hinder our ability to see a situation for what it is. 

(1) Truman Show You don’t realize (or have forgotten) that you’re stuck in a pit. As far as you’re concerned, this is just what normal life is like, so you don’t make any efforts to change your situation. 

• Example 1: You were raised in a cult from a young age. Everyone around you lives the same kind of life and has the same beliefs, so you don’t consider that there could be any other options.
• Example 2: Your partner has always abused you, just like your mom abused your dad. As far as you’re concerned, this kind of behavior is just what happens in intimate relationships.

(2) Mirage You could climb out of the pit, but you don’t believe you can. You’ve convinced yourself the walls are twice as high as they are or that you’re not strong enough to make it. Perhaps this belief is the product of “learned helplessness”: you tried and failed to get out of the pit in the past, so you’ve learned that it’s easier not to try.

• Example 1: You hate your job, but you’re convinced that if you quit, you’ll fail to get hired anywhere else. Because of this, you don’t try to change your situation even though you’re deeply unhappy.
• Example 2: You are convinced that it would be nearly impossible for you to find a romantic partner (due to many rejections you experienced early in life), so you don’t bother going on dates or trying to meet people you find attractive.

(3) Inevitability You’re convinced that if you get out of this pit, you’ll just end up in another one – one which could be even worse – so there’s no point in leaving. At least this pit is familiar to you. 

• Example 1: You’re depressed, and you know there are treatments out there that could help you, but you’re convinced that the world is just a bad, miserable place and that you’ll always find something to be unhappy about. Because of this, you don’t make any effort to tackle your depression.
• Example 2: You’re not happy with your current partner, but you’re convinced that any other relationship you could have would be just as bad. You conclude that it’s probably you that’s defective, not the relationship, and decide to stick with it.

 Social Traps: pits caused by social dynamics

These traps are the product of relationships with other people – relationships that might be actively unhealthy or relationships whose success we take too much responsibility for.

(4) Prison of Solidarity

You could leave the pit, but there’s someone stuck in there with you. If you think of leaving, you feel so guilty, or they get so sad when they find out that you abandon the plan.

• Example 1: Your roommate is severely depressed. It’s harming you, but you know that their life is improved by your presence, and you don’t want to move out for fear that they’ll be even more unhappy. 
• Example 2: You committed to completing a project with a friend, but it has been beset by expensive and time-consuming setbacks. It is seriously affecting the quality of your life, but you don’t want to leave your friend alone to deal with it.

(5) Coerced Confinement

You could climb out of the pit, but whenever you try, someone uses manipulation to rope you back in or threatens you with bad consequences if you leave.

• Example 1: Your spouse is abusive and threatens to spread terrible lies about you and turn all of your friends against you if you leave. Understandably, this threat keeps you from leaving, even though, in actuality, you would be better off if you left even if they go through with the threat.
• Example 2: You keep trying to quit the job you hate. Whenever you do, your boss makes you feel terrible, convincing you that you’re being ungrateful for everything the job has done for you and that you owe it to the company to stay.

Avoidance & Desire Traps: pits of fear, pain, and pleasure 

(6) Toothless Tiger

A tiger is lurking outside of the pit you’re stuck in – which you perceive as a terrible danger. Tigers are scary, so it makes sense that you’re afraid and haven’t climbed out. But what if it’s an old tiger with no teeth or claws? Now it’s your own fear that keeps you trapped in the pit.

• Example 1: You’re terrified of looking stupid or embarrassing yourself in social situations, so you avoid all interaction with other people instead of trying to face this fear. It ruins your life.
• Example 2: You’re terrified of failure, so you don’t try to do things unless it’s certain that you will succeed. This fear prevents you from accomplishing the things you find truly meaningful in life.

(7) Barbed Wire Barrier 

You could escape the pit, but it’s going to hurt a lot to climb out. You avoid the short-term pain, even though it means suffering much more serious pain in the future.

• Example 1: Neither you nor your spouse is happy in your marriage. But getting a divorce sounds stressful, humiliating, and painful. It would make everything much worse for a while. So you put off thinking about it.
• Example 2: You have a medical problem that could turn into something serious without treatment. It doesn’t bother you much right now, and the treatment is very unpleasant and would require a month of recovery. Because of this, you put off getting treatment despite the risk of complications growing.

(8) Addiction

While there are bad things about being in the pit, it also helps you cope better with some aspects of your life (even though other parts of your life suffer as a result). You can leave the pit, but you keep giving in to temptation and returning there. 

• Example 1: You’re addicted to alcohol, opiates, or pornography.
• Example 2: You know your partner is unhealthy for you, but you feel so insanely attracted to them. Every time you leave, you find yourself thinking of them all the time, and eventually, you end up calling them up. You always get back together.

Did you recognize any of these psychological traps from your own experience or from the experiences of people close to you? This article was written with brainstorming help from Kat Woods (who we’ve previously collaborated with on The Four States of Distress). 

This essay was first written on November 22, 2020, was published on the Clearer Thinking blog (with the help of the team) on November 28, 2020, and first appeared on this site on May 20, 2022.