When you pay attention to one thing, there is an opportunity cost – you could be paying attention to something else, like one of your loved ones, a meaningful project, your source of income, or a hobby you love.

When you get sucked into a dumb argument online or read an upsetting news story (that will never lead you to take any kind of positive action), you’re consuming moments of attention that could be better used.

What is less obvious than that, though, is that we can create more moments of attention – because often we’re not doing anything in particular, or we’re just partially paying attention, or we’re letting our minds wander without attention in a pointless or stressful way (rather than in an interesting, relaxing, fun or helpful way).

We can create more moments of attention within our familiar activities to make them even better – like being more present with a loved one or new acquaintance, noticing more fully the delicious flavor of our food, or being more focused during our work (to get closer to peak performance).

Attention is what our life experiences are made of; it’s worth paying attention to what we pay attention to.

Or, as Sam Harris puts it: “How we pay attention to the present moment largely determines the character of our experience and, therefore, the quality of our lives.”

This piece was first written on July 9, 2024, and first appeared on my website on September 9, 2024.

By doing so, you can learn to immediately adjust how you move to take the pain into account (not avoiding the action, but changing the way you engage in the action). The goal is to make your movements as smooth and natural as possible. If avoiding the pain is causing you to make less natural movements, then you’re at risk of making the pain worse in the longer term (e.g., a knee injury can cause you to walk in an imbalanced way that leads to an injury in your other knee).

I used to ignore this kind of subtle pain, and I think doing so led to problems (e.g., I used to have chronic lower back pain, which, thankfully, I don’t have anymore).

There is, however, a mistake that is just as serious as ignoring subtle pain, which I’ve seen a number of times: not using your body at all because of pain. While some pain is an indicator that you need rest for a certain period of time (e.g., the pain of a serious knee injury right after it occurs), avoiding using a part of the body for too long will often start to cause other problems (body parts atrophy surprisingly quickly without use). In fact, movement and use of the body often seems to be critical to feeling better (and not atrophying) when you are dealing with chronic pain. So movement and usage of the body is important when you have chronic pain, as long as you can do that movement in a way that doesn’t make the injury worse. That means you have to be able to differentiate between discomfort that is fine to push through, and pain that indicates you’re making things worse.

Additionally, in my experience, a key skill for pain is to increase awareness of how you move and learn to notice subtle pains – not so you can avoid movement, but so that you can train yourself to move in a more natural, smooth, and comfortable way. If you have trouble knowing how to do this, a physiotherapist could help you.

Note: If you are experiencing new or chronic pain, please see a medical doctor. It’s important to rule out issues that may not heal properly without treatment. Additionally, if you have chronic pain, consider seeing a physiotherapist.

This piece was first written on August 7, 2023, and first appeared on this site on October 4, 2023.

Self-compassion doesn’t mean being egotistical, ignoring the ways that you have acted poorly, or pitying yourself for the tough situation you might be in. Instead, self-compassion is a way of extending kindness to yourself when you are suffering, are feeling inadequate, or have acted in a way that you regret. There are many different strategies for practicing self-compassion, and some strategies will be easier for you than others. Try some out next time you are feeling low and see which ones are most helpful!

Here are ten of the most valuable components of self-compassion:

(1) Self-friendship: treat yourself at least as well as you would treat a friend who is going through the same situation; taking the outside perspective can often allow us to see the support we truly need from ourselves.

(2) Worthiness: remember that you have value (as all people do) and that your happiness and preferences matter.

(3) Self-talk: notice when you are saying something mean to yourself (aloud or in your head), and rephrase it in a gentler, kinder, more considerate way.

(4) Connectedness: reflect on the fact that, whatever challenge you are facing, others are also facing a similar challenge. You are not alone in your pain.

(5) Change: note that everything changes with time. If you are dealing with feelings that are difficult to stand at this moment, they will subside. This, too, shall pass. Things are usually not as important or permanent as they seem to us at the moment that we are focused on them.

(6) Self-empathy: orient towards yourself with tenderness, understanding, and compassion, especially when you are suffering. Take on the perspective towards yourself that you would towards a child or loved one that was hurting.

(7) Self-acceptance: remember that you, like all people, will always have flaws, and that’s okay. Being imperfect is just part of being human. You can fully accept yourself, flaws and all, and still aim to continuously improve.

(8) Self-patience: note that everyone has their off days, including you. You’ll have times when you mess things up, don’t get anything done, act in ways you regret, and so on. Be patient with yourself, as that usually allows you to move past your struggles more quickly than punishing yourself.

(9) Self-like: remember all the good things about you. Remember your greatest strengths. Remember why other people like and love you. There are good reasons to like yourself, but you may need to actively work to remember them.

(10) Self-observation: notice how you are actually doing (self-compassion meditations can help with this). Carefully observe the difficult thoughts you are having without trying to escape them: what words run through your mind? How exactly do you feel, in your mind and in your body? Being mindful can allow you to understand what you are feeling and wanting in a non-judgmental manner. 

Are you already practicing some of these ten components of self-compassion? Which ones could you adopt next time you are struggling to view yourself kindly? If you’re interested in self-compassion, you might want to check out Dr. Kristen Neff’s self-compassion scale, which tests how self-compassionate you are! 

This essay was first written on October 20, 2021, for the Clearer Thinking blog. It first appeared on this site on March 4, 2022.

A. FOCUS

1. Attention: focus on every detail of the experience much more intently than normal.

Ex: with each bite, notice as much as you can about the flavor and texture

Ex: try to hear every distinct instrument in the music as it comes in and fades out

2. Savoring: try to extend and enhance enjoyable moments by using “metacognition” – become aware of how much you’re enjoying the thing and how great you feel it is, even as you’re experiencing it.

Ex: remind yourself what an awesome conversation this is that you’re having right now and how deeply connected you feel to your friend

Ex: notice what a cozy moment it is curled up on the couch under that blanket, and relish the fact that it is so cozy

B. COMPANY

3. Collaboration: team up with a person you really like and work together on that activity as a team.

Ex: join forces with your roommate to make the most delicious meal you can that maximizes your joint eating preferences

Ex: Help your friend with their errands, and then have them help you with yours

4. Obsession: do it with someone who DEEPLY loves that thing.

Ex: watch a movie for the first time with a person who absolutely adores it and has seen it ten times

Ex: have someone who is obsessed with bouldering give you your first lesson.

C. GAMES

5. Gamification: turn the activity into a game.

Ex: compete with others (or your own past record) and see how quickly you can complete a boring but necessary/useful task

Ex: use a system like habitica (https://bit.ly/3tzCwoh) to give yourself rewards/upgrades for doing things you know you should be doing anyway

6. Adventure: turn the activity into an adventure. You need (i) a well-chosen team that is up for anything, (ii) a goal that is challenging enough that the team could fail at it, and (iii) a setup that will (safely and consensually) push the boundaries or comfort zones of the group, or that has a substantial perception of risk but without any substantial danger (see Jon Levy’s The 2 AM Principle for great ideas about how to turn things into an adventure: https://amzn.to/39T9JmV).

Ex: you and your band of friends must make five new friends tonight and convince them all to go somewhere fun with you

Ex: you (a programmer) and your friends (a designer and a psychologist) have given yourself six weeks to create a new (simple) digital product of some kind and launch it, with the goal of getting 500 people to try it – if you get 500 users you’ve won, regardless of what happens after that

D. FRAMING

7. Novelty: find a way to do or experience that thing in a way you haven’t done so before.

Ex: instead of hanging out with friends on zoom, try it in VR or on http://gather.town

Ex: try eating your popcorn with chopsticks – “It’s like eating popcorn for the first time.” (as in Rob Smith’s cool study https://bit.ly/3cQFQpo)

8. Re-pricing: imagine that you spent $1000 on this experience and that it is rightly considered the very best of its kind in the world. Try to engage with the experience from that perspective.

Ex: imagine this is the most expensive glass of cranberry juice ever purchased, and drink it with tiny, tentative sips as you analyze the experience like a wine connoisseur

Ex: imagine that you paid $1000 to have this hour hanging out with your dog. What would you spend that hour doing? Okay, well, do it!

This piece was first written on February 7, 2021, and first appeared on this site on August 5, 2022.

(1) Noticing: paying close attention to your negative thoughts instead of pushing them away or trying to ignore the bad feelings. What are the EXACT words running through your mind? How does it feel right now to be you? What do your body and mind feel like?

(2) Allowing: letting go of negative thoughts or feelings ABOUT your emotional response. Be loving to yourself, like you would a friend. Remember, emotions are there to help you. It’s not bad to feel sad. You don’t have to be anxious (or angry at yourself) for these emotions.

(3) Observing: making observations about your thoughts (rather than only noticing them). Which of these upsetting thoughts are true and helpful? Which are false or unhelpful? It may help to write out upsetting thoughts you’re having, which you can then read later (when feeling a little better).

(4) Explaining: trying to clarify why, precisely, you are experiencing what you are feeling. Of course, a person is sad when their pet dies – but why, precisely, are you sad that Snowball died? Can you explain what is now lost that is making you so sad? What will you miss?

(5) Understanding: trying to make sense of the event (especially when it was a surprise or shock). What exactly occurred? How much was due to chance? What caused it? What role did you play, and what should you take responsibility for? What role did others play? What can you learn from it?

(6) Accepting: accepting that the event has happened and acknowledging the new state the world is in – not denying the way things are now or mentally rebelling against reality. This involves filling in mental details about what’s true from now on instead of refusing to update your mental map.

(7) Concluding: [eventually] taking actions that help give a sense of closure. This might be saying “goodbye,” performing a ritual, severing a tie, taking a symbolic action, etc. What can help you recover or move on?

This piece was first written on December 20, 2020, and first appeared on this site on March 11, 2022.

How to do it:
When you notice a sudden change in your emotional state (e.g., you start becoming anxious, sad, frustrated, or angry), immediately give yourself the best quick explanation you can for WHY you think that change in your emotions just occurred. The sooner you can do it after the emotional change, the better.

I suggest trying to make a habit of this technique because:
(i) It can help you better understand yourself, especially as you start noticing patterns of what causes your emotions to change.
(ii) It can make you more consciously aware of information that you previously only had subconscious awareness of (e.g., let’s say that before you automatically became nervous when Bob was around, but now with the technique, you are consciously aware of that nervousness around Bob, and also, have realized some things about why Bob makes your nervous).
(iii) It can help train you to become more aware of emotional shifts in general (including figuring out what emotion you’re feeling), and once you realize a shift is occurring, you have more control of what happens next (e.g., you can make a choice to “go with” the emotion, or take a deep breath, or leave for a few minutes, or reframe the situation, or try to empathize with someone else’s perspective, etc.)
(iv) It may help make it easier to communicate your feelings to others since it’s practice explaining what is behind your emotions.
(v) It can help you predict your future emotions better (once you better understand why they occur), which means you can pre-empt what might cause you to be mad, anxious, etc. and make plans to avoid situations that upset you, or better prepare yourself for those situations when it’s not a good idea to avoid them.

Here are some examples of how you might use the Inner Why technique:
(1) You’re in a conversation with a group of friends. When one of them mentions a fun road trip you had together, you suddenly notice yourself feeling sad. You ask yourself why that emotional shift happened, and you realize that it’s because you don’t feel nearly as close to that friend now as you did back when the road trip occurred. You realize you’re experiencing a sense of loss around that relationship. You decide to ask that friend to coffee so you can work on regaining that closeness.

(2) You’re talking to your partner, and he or she asks if you will go to a certain movie on Saturday night. You notice you are becoming angry. You ask yourself why and realize it’s because you think they should have been able to predict that you would hate that movie, and so you perceived that movie choice as a subtle way of saying your preferences don’t matter. It occurs to you now that your emotional reaction had a lot of assumptions baked into it. That makes you feel less angry. You then explain to your partner that you really don’t think you’d like that movie and suggest another one that you think you would both enjoy.

(3) You’re waiting in a long line at the store, and you notice that you’re feeling extremely frustrated. You ask yourself why and realize it’s because you have really been looking forward to relaxing at home (after a tough day at work) and thought you would be home by now. It then occurs to you that you can still relax waiting in line, so you put on some earbuds with relaxing music and take a few deep breaths.

Your theories about your emotional shifts won’t always be correct. And sometimes, you won’t be able to pinpoint a cause. But I think that trying to turn this technique into a habit is well worth the effort, and if you do, the technique will become easier over time. Plus, the faster you do the technique after an emotional change, the easier it is to do, because – chances are – very few things happened in the last few seconds (so there won’t be many options for what to attribute your emotional change to).

Emotions contain information. The question is: are you extracting it?

This essay was first written on October 5th, 2018, and first appeared on this site on October 22nd, 2021.