Interestingly enough, we can program ourselves in this way, and it’s not even that hard to do. As a simple example, you can program yourself so that when you FIRST ENTER YOUR KITCHEN IN THE MORNING, you always DRINK A TALL GLASS OF WATER. Or you can create a rule in your mind so that when you TAKE YOUR FIRST BITE OF EACH MEAL, you DEEPLY SAVOR IT to get more pleasure from your food.

These if-then plans are sometimes known as “implementation intentions” in the psychology literature (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Implementation_intention) or TAPs (i.e., trigger action plans – a term used by the Center for Applied Rationality – see: https://www.rationality.org). Below, I share my own spin on this concept and describe how you can apply these if-then plans to make improvements in many different areas of your life, including health, learning, happiness, productivity, relationships, and rational thinking.

I’ll start with a quick, step-by-step guide to programming yourself, then list several of my favorite “self-programs.” Feel free to pick a few from the list to try yourself!

— Steps for Programming Yourself —

Step 1 – Choose

Choose a situation (S) and an action (A) that you’d like to take when you’re in that situation. For instance, the situation might be ARRIVING AT HOME AFTER WORK. The action might be PLACING YOUR KEYS IN A BOWL BY THE DOOR, so you always know where they are. See my list of self-programming examples down below for many more ideas.

Step 2 – Intend

Set an intention to perform that action (A) whenever you are in that situation (S). This means genuinely committing (to yourself) to take the action every time you encounter the situation. Note that there’s a subtle but critical difference between thinking about doing something and committing to doing it. You have to do the latter.

Step 3 – Associate

Now it’s time to create an association between the situation (S) and the action (A) so that when S occurs, A immediately pops into your mind. Basically, you’ll be mentally linking the two elements.

Here are a few strategies for creating this connection. The more of these strategies you use, the better. But they won’t all apply to all situations.

Strategies for linking the situation (S) and the action (A) in your mind:

• Create: If you can artificially create the situation, then do so repeatedly, following through with the action each time. For instance, if the situation is finishing brushing your teeth, and the action is flossing, practice holding your toothbrush to your mouth as though you just finished brushing, then putting down your toothbrush and immediately picking up the floss. Do this 20 times in a row to create the connection (A ⟶ S) in your brain.

• Imagine: If you are good at forming mental imagery, vividly visualize the situation occurring, followed by imagining yourself taking the desired action. Repeat this 20 times. If, in real life, you anticipate variations in how the situation plays out, modify your visualizations to include potential variations. That way, you don’t become trained on a too-narrow version of the situation.

• Write: Jot the if-then intention on a piece of paper, and leave it somewhere in your home where it is noticeable. When you get used to it being in that location to the point where you’re barely noticing it anymore, move it somewhere else in your home so that it stays fresh.

• Speak: repeat the phrase “whenever S occurs I’ll do A” 20 times (either aloud, or in your mind), replacing S and A with the corresponding situation and action.

• Review: make a list of all the if-then intentions you’re currently working to create in your mind, and review that list each morning, just after you wake up. Leave it on your bedside table or on your work desk so you can’t miss it.

• Motivate: make a list of the benefits (to yourself or others) of taking that action every time you are in that situation. This may increase your motivation to follow through with the plan.

• Involve: tell someone you trust that you plan to take that action whenever you are in that situation (ideally, someone who might be around when you are in that situation so that they can help remind you).

• Reflect: think about a time when you succeeded at making one of these if-then plans for yourself in the past. Take a minute to write about how you accomplished that. Now take another minute to write about how you could apply what you learned in that case to this new situation (this is the “Habit Reflection” technique: http://bit.ly/385cn5D). I think it’s more effective to actually do the writing, not merely thinking about what your answers would be.

 —

Step 4. Act

Every time you find yourself remembering to take the action in a given situation, actually do it! In the beginning, try hard to do the action every single time the action occurs (without missing any), as this will help establish a robust link in your mind between the situation and action.

 If you follow through consistently enough and keep it up for long enough, most likely, the action will eventually turn into a habit triggered by the situation. 

—

But what rules is it actually useful to program yourself with? 

Here’s my list of favorite “self-programs.” Some of these I’ve already installed as habits, others I’m still learning to associate with the trigger. Still others I merely aspire to one day have installed in my mind. Finally, hold value but don’t quite match my lifestyle, so I figure they are still worth including.

I’ve written each self-program in the form: Situation ⟶ Action

Meaning that you intend to perform the action every time the situation occurs.

— My Favorite Self-Programs —

HEALTH

* You enter the kitchen for the first time after waking ⟶ drink a tall glass of water

* You finish your first beverage in the morning ⟶ gently stretch a part of your body that has poor mobility or that is unreasonably tight for 1-2 minutes (e.g., It used to be my right shoulder, but, thanks to this habit, my decade-long shoulder problem is 90% resolved!)

* You close your eyes to try to fall asleep ⟶ breathe slowly and deeply, then gently focus your attention on your breath. Whenever you become distracted or find yourself thinking of something else, notice that it’s happened and gently refocus your attention back on your breath. Try to continue this until you’re asleep.

* You feel hungry before bed ⟶ eat carrots, nuts, or an apple (instead of junky snack food)

* You put down your toothbrush ⟶ floss or use a gum stimulator/rubber pick to clean between your teeth.

LEARNING

* Someone introduces you to an abstract idea that you don’t understand ⟶ ask if they could give you an example or if they could explain it using different words

* You learn something that surprises you ⟶ take a moment to consider what you previously believed about the subject (e.g., if your best friend does something that surprises you, ask them about the behavior, as it’s great opportunity to understand your friend better). Keep in mind that the sensation of surprise occurs when our perception of reality doesn’t match reality itself!

* You learn a new idea that seems worth remembering or have your own idea that seems worth remembering ⟶ jot down some notes about what you learned (ideally as simple flashcards), and be sure to review them at some point before you forget the idea (e.g., you can try out our beta tool at https://www.thoughtsaver.com to make this idea recording and reviewing process easier)

* You make a big mistake ⟶ take a few minutes to write about why you think the mistake happened (both immediate causes and deeper root causes), and what you can learn from it, to avoid making similar mistakes in the future. You can try out our “learning from mistakes” tool to make this process easier (see: http://bit.ly/3biQ3HN).

* Someone explains something complicated to you, and you’re not certain that you understand it ⟶ try to explain the idea back to the other person in your own words and see if they agree you understood it properly (e.g., “So are you saying that…”)

HAPPINESS

* You take your first bite of food at a meal ⟶ pay very close attention to the taste and texture, chewing slowly to deeply savor that first bite. We can get so much more pleasure from food if we direct our attention in the right way, upgrading meals from two-star to four-star, just by maintaining the right focus!

* You wake up in the morning ⟶ think about one thing you are looking forward to (it could be small, like your morning cup of tea, or large, like a big project you are launching in a month). This can help get you looking forward to the day.

* You lie down in bed for the night ⟶ think of one fond memory from your life. If you have trouble thinking of random fond memories, start with a random time frame (e.g., “last week”) or place (e.g., “the beach”) or activity (e.g., “sports”) and use that prompt to jog your memory.

* You leave your bedroom for the first time each morning ⟶ think of one thing you are grateful for.

* You finish checking social media ⟶ smile and think of something you think is good or something that makes you happy.

* You get a calf cramp ⟶ flex the toes on the corresponding foot towards your head (moving your heel away from you). This will often alleviate the cramp immediately (if that doesn’t work, drink a shot of juice from a pickle jar, which is, apparently, an effective alternative).

* You receive a nice compliment ⟶ write it down immediately so that you can get the benefit of experiencing it more than once. You can even keep a list of the best compliments you’ve ever received.

* You notice a sudden change in your emotional state (e.g., you start becoming anxious, sad, frustrated, or angry) ⟶ immediately give yourself the best quick explanation you can for why your emotions may have shifted. It’s often easier to figure out the cause if you ask this question immediately, compared to, for example, interpreting it 20 minutes later. I call this the “Inner Why” technique (you can learn more about it here: http://bit.ly/2uhJvc1)

RELATIONSHIPS

* Someone starts a conversation with you ⟶ fully focus on what the person is saying, giving them your complete and genuine interested attention (see: http://bit.ly/2SIPzBx)

* Someone you just met tells you their name ⟶ focus on the name as they say it with the intention of remembering it, then repeat their name back (e.g., “nice to meet you Sam”). This can really help with remembering people’s names. Even better, use the Tacayo Technique if you really want to remember their name (see: http://bit.ly/2upNxPr)

* You think something positive about a person that you are confident they would feel good hearing ⟶ send it to them as a message or say it to them directly, if practical. As the adage goes, “thinking something nice about a person without saying it, is like wrapping a present and never giving it.”

* You see someone you really like (e.g., a close friend) ⟶ channel your warm feelings for them and radiate those positive feelings on your face, your body language, and with your words, so that the person viscerally experiences how much you like them.

* You’re irritable and become provoked by something minor that someone does ⟶ take a couple slow, deep breaths before saying anything (so that you are less likely to take your mood out on the other person).

* You notice you’ve been talking for a long while in a conversation ⟶ redirect focus to the other person so that they have the opportunity to talk. Most people prefer a balanced conversation, so if you talk more than 60% (which a lot of people do, unfortunately), becoming more self-aware and considerate will markedly improve your relationships. Admittedly, I sometimes make this mistake when I’m excited about a topic (you can learn more about this preference people have, from a study I ran, here: http://bit.ly/2HcH7pr).

* You see your partner or roommate for the first time since they/you left for work ⟶ greet them affectionally and ask about their day with a genuine interest and a high level of focus.

* Someone is telling you about something that happened to them ⟶ employ active listening skills by asking questions that help them clarify their thoughts and elaborate on interesting or important details. In addition to demonstrating your interest in their life, this helps them relive their experience in a useful or pleasurable way.

* Someone you are close to unknowingly does something that hurts

you⟶ bring it up. Explain how you felt as a result of their action, why you felt that way, and what you would prefer them to do next time. Try to phrase this information in a way that is not accusatory. Stick to facts about what happened and how the facts affected you. Avoid derailing the conversation with potentially disputable assumptions (you can learn more about how to do this well here: http://bit.ly/39pIWM9).

PRODUCTIVITY

* You return home ⟶ put your keys, wallet, headphones, etc., in exactly the same place (so you can always find them).

* You’re about to finish a warm shower, and are feeling sleepy, yet you have a lot still to do. ⟶ turn the water to cold for the last 10 seconds to wake yourself and feel invigorated.

* You arrive at your work desk in the morning ⟶ put on headphones with energetic, non-distracting (e.g., acoustic) music to help get you motivated and in the zone.

* You read an email or message that would take less than 2 minutes to respond to ⟶ respond immediately, rather than procrastinating on the reply. This saves time because you won’t have to read or think about that message again, plus people generally prefer faster responses.

* You begin work for the day ⟶ write down the single most important thing for you to get done that day, which you hope to achieve even if you get nothing else done.

RATIONALITY

* You notice you are trying to convince yourself of something (e.g., “I’m too tired to go to the gym today” or “It would be too stressful to give that presentation”) ⟶ ask yourself instead “is this actually true? What’s evidence exists for and against this?” (try this tool to make this easier: http://bit.ly/31J4znR)

* You notice yourself thinking or saying, “I believe x” when a more accurate conclusion is crucial ⟶ ask yourself, “What percent chance would I actually assign to X being true?” (here’s a tool we helped make to help you practice this: http://bit.ly/39hq9lM).

* You’re making an important decision but you haven’t fully explored your options ⟶ force yourself to come up with at minimum a third option (or even better, apply our decision advisor tool: http://bit.ly/2yIjL96)

* You are learning about a politically or emotionally charged topic for the first time ⟶ seek out multiple sources of information from various perspectives, that are unlikely to have the same biases as each other. Otherwise, you may end up being heavily biased by whatever source you happen to read.

* You and another person strongly disagree about what’s going to happen in the near future ⟶ make a small bet with them. This forces you to consider how confident you are.

* You hear or read a weak argument in favor of a fairly popular view that you disagree with ⟶ try to come up with a stronger version of their argument (i.e., “Steel Man” the argument) so that you get a more nuanced perspective of both what’s wrong and what’s right about the view they are defending.

* You come across evidence for or against one of your beliefs and aren’t sure how much it should change your mind ⟶ ask yourself, “how many times more likely would I be to see this evidence if my belief was true compared to if my belief was false?” This number reflects the strength of the evidence, with 1 meaning the evidence is totally neutral (neither for or against the hypothesis), higher numbers (above 1) indicate more evidence, lower numbers (below 1) indicate less evidence (you can learn more about the proper way to interpret evidence here: http://bit.ly/38cN6GH)

One notable feature of extreme improvements, as opposed to medium-sized ones, is that they probably won’t just happen to you by chance. Medium-sized improvements can occur randomly, so it’s harder to confirm whether positive results are related to some purposeful change you’ve made. More extreme positive changes are unlikely to happen randomly, so you can be more confident that any effects are related to your efforts; coincidence could still come into play, but it is less likely.

Below is a list of very intense interventions that seem to (every once in a while) totally change a person’s life. They come with varying degrees of danger and side effects. If you’ve felt the need for improvement, yet have made limited progress despite many attempts to change, one of these intense interventions may get you unstuck. Though I recommend trying the safest ones first.

Disclaimer: some of these interventions are capable of causing substantial harm. Try them at your own risk, and always research and evaluate the risks first. The associated risks I mention are neither all-encompassing nor exhaustive. 

List of Extreme Interventions that are Occasionally Life Changing

BIOLOGICAL

1. Extended fasting (e.g., only water, no food, plus a daily multivitamin to make it somewhat safer) or intermittent fasting (e.g., don’t eat until 3 pm each day, or only eat every other day, or don’t eat any food on the weekend) [risks include GERD, malnutrition, dehydration, gallstones, tiredness, cognitive fuzziness, impaired decision making]

2. Triple chronotherapy (i.e., one 24 hour period of total sleep deprivation, followed by going to bed for the next three nights at the time when the sun sets – or 6 hours earlier than normal – sleeping about 7 hours each of those nights, and using a very bright light such as a strong S.A.D. light as soon as you wake up each morning) [risks include poor judgment during the intervention, temporary sleep deprivation-induced insanity, and post-intervention insomnia]

3. Large amounts of moderately intense exercise daily (e.g., 1 hour on an elliptical machine) or shorter amounts of extremely intense exercise daily (e.g., 20 minutes of HIITs or sprinting with short breaks, making sure to get a “runner’s high” each time if possible) [risks include injuries of many forms and rhabdomyolysis]

4. Drastic long term diet change (e.g., completely quitting sugar, going vegan, going paleo, cutting out “inflammatory” foods, cutting out all gluten, drinking way more water, a ketogenic diet with very low carbs with reduced protein until your body switches to using ketones for fuel, etc.) [risks include fatigue, cognitive fuzziness, muscle loss, severe nutritional deficiencies, and severe negative biological reactions to a restricted or new diet]

5. Standard medical treatment used for previously undiagnosed medical problems (e.g., a CPAP machine to treat sleep Apnea, insulin to treat diabetes, thyroid supplementation for people with thyroid issues, vitamins for vitamin deficiencies, etc.) [may lead to multiple side effects depending on the treatment]

6. Significant weight loss (if you feel you are substantially overweight and that it is causing you substantial problems) [risks include fatigue, cognitive fuzziness, muscle loss, gallstones, dehydration, malnutrition, impaired decision making]

7. Surgical interventions for medical issues (e.g., LASIK for bad vision or sinus surgery for breathing problems) [risks include all sorts of problems from surgical error and complications]

8. The Betty Dodson Method for female anorgasmia in women [risks include desensitization to other forms of stimulation]

9. Electroconvulsive therapy (e.g., for extreme treatment-resistant depression) [risks memory loss and cognitive impairment]

PHARMACOLOGICAL

1. Psychiatric medication for mental health issues (e.g., antidepressants for depression, or lithium for bipolar disorder) [risks include fatigue, weight change, severe sexual side effects, loss of emotionality]

2. Psychedelics (e.g., ayahuasca or psilocybin) [risks include impaired judgment, forming radical false beliefs, and triggering mania or psychosis]

3. Low doses of ketamine (e.g., for treatment-resistant depression) [risks include numerous potential side effects]

4. Microdosing (e.g., taking a tiny amount of psilocybin or L.S.D. once per week for a few weeks) [risks include impaired judgment and triggering mania or psychosis]

5. Placing very bright lights throughout your home (used during the day) [risks include eye damage and fire hazards]

6. Quitting drugs or alcohol [risks include extreme withdrawal symptoms which, in some cases, are dangerous]

7. Quitting cigarettes [risks include extreme withdrawal symptoms for some people]

PSYCHOLOGICAL

1. Daily meditation (e.g., 20 minutes each morning) or long silent meditation retreats (e.g., ten-day Vipassana events) [risks include dissociation, mental breakdowns and triggering mania or psychosis]

2. Therapy for mental health issues (e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for depression or anxiety, therapy for an eating disorder, therapy for O.C.D., therapy for PTSD, therapy for alcoholism, etc.) [risks include re-experiencing trauma, uncovering unpleasant truths, and unpredictable psychological shifts]

3. Therapy for general well-being (i.e. to gain insight, feel more accepted, learn to modify your behaviors, learn emotional control strategies, or improve relationships) May include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectic Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Gestalt Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, Behavioral Activation, Humanistic Therapy, Existential Therapy, Interpersonal Therapy, Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy, Internal Family Systems, etc. [risks include re-experiencing trauma, uncovering unpleasant truths, and unpredictable psychological shifts]

4. Near-death experiences (obviously you should never do this on purpose, but it sometimes happen against our own will)

5. Altruism in an emotionally intense context, such as volunteering to work with dying children [risks include depression or despair]

6. Ultra-stimulus deprivation (e.g., only eat bland healthy foods and drink water, don’t watch T.V. or play video games, don’t masturbate or look at porn, don’t use social media, don’t read fiction if you find it addictive, etc.) [risks include depression, boredom or numbness]

7. Cultivate self-compassion (e.g., reading the book “Self-compassion”)

8. Building a “map” of your own psychology, beliefs, or value system (e.g., by asking why you care about each thing that you think you care about, asking why you believe each of the important things you believe, and asking why you take each important or harmful behavior that you take, and in doing so trying to dig to the root of your values, beliefs, and behaviors – for instance, try our Intrinsic Values Test to get started) [risks include uncovering unpleasant truths, developing new fears, and unpredictable psychological shifts]

9. Fully accepting an extremely difficult or hard to accept truth that you have been in denial about [risks include depression and anxiety]

10. Quitting playing video games if you are addicted [risks include temporary boredom or feelings that life is dull]

11. Developing compassion for all beings (e.g., through compassion meditation or visualization) [risks include social isolation]

12. Exposure therapy or rejection therapy for introversion or social anxiety [risks include intense anxiety, making others feel uncomfortable if not done properly, or temporary experiences of rejection]

13. Viewing a moving presentation or lecture that convinces you to focus on the important things in life (e.g., the Last Lecture) [risks include depression]

14. Reading a life-changing book (e.g., books I’ve heard people say changed their lives, though I haven’t read them all, include, “Feeling Good,” “When Panic Attacks,” “Peace is Every Step,” “Self-Compassion,” “The Forever Decision,” “How To Control Alcohol,” “The Power of Habit,” “Man’s Search for Meaning,” “Gift of Fear,” “The Power of Vulnerability,” “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck,” “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff,” “Codependency No More,” “The Power of Now,” “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty,” “The Five Love Languages,” “Why Does He do That”) [risks include developing false beliefs, trusting potentially bad advice, and unpredictable psychological changes]

15. Being mindful about emotions you are feeling in the body and when those emotions change (e.g., by tracking on a note pad each time you notice your emotion change for one week, and jotting down how and why you think it changed each time)

16. Using the “Focusing” technique to gain self-insight [risks include developing false theories about yourself or unpredictable psychological shifts]

17. Succeeding at something that previously seemed impossible for you (or perhaps anyone) to do (e.g., firewalking or a challenging physical feat that you train for) [risks include negative psychological effects of failing and injury attempting the feat]

18. Quitting something you have been addicted to for a long time (e.g., alcohol, porn, sugar, cigarettes).

IDENTITY-RELATED

1. Devoting yourself totally to a cause much bigger than yourself (e.g., joining an extreme or radical tight-knit movement or community that has a big mission) [risks include devaluing yourself, accidentally joining a cult, imprisonment, and forming false beliefs]

2. Going public with an identity that you’ve been keeping secret or beginning to live in line with that identity (e.g., going public with the fact that you are gay or polyamorous or that you identify with a gender that’s different than the one you were assigned at birth) [risks include anxiety and social rejection]

3. Committing yourself to an extremely challenging goal, such as climbing a mountain or racing in an Ironman Triathlon [risks include the dangers of the goal itself or negative feelings if you fail]

4. Surgical interventions related to your identity or how others perceive you (e.g., gender reassignment surgery, or plastic surgery on your body part that you’ve always hated the look of) [risks include the possibility of regret post-surgery, and surgical error and complications]

5. Hormone treatments for gender reassignment [risks include numerous side effects]

6. Forgiving yourself for something bad you’ve done [risks include being less cautious about avoiding the same mistake]

7. Becoming religious or spiritual or quitting your religion [risks include forming false beliefs or being manipulated by others or feeling obligated to engage in practices you don’t like]

8. Committing yourself into an inpatient medical or inpatient mental health treatment center [risks include negative effects from being around sick or mentally unwell patients, not getting the treatment you hoped for, and potentially not being released when you would like to be]

9. Changing your name legally to distance yourself from a past or family that you don’t want to be associated with any more [risks include annoyances around getting all of your identification replaced]

ENVIRONMENTAL

1. Traveling around the world alone [risks include being robbed, kidnapped, injured or killed and contracting serious diseases]

2. Spending a long stretch of time fully in nature (e.g., hike outdoors alone or with a friend for a month, or camp deep in a forest with friends for a month) [risks include injury without being able to get help, contracting serious diseases, being attacked by animals, dissociation and social isolation]

3. Going to Burning Man [risks include dehydration]

4. Quitting a job or career that you hate or switching to one you think you will love [risks include hating your new job or becoming unemployed]

5. Completely changing your living environment (e.g., moving out of your parent’s house, in with friends, into an intentional community, to a different country, going to college/university, etc.) [risks include not liking the new living environment]

6. Becoming financially stable or independent, or getting yourself out of debt

7. Making a change that substantially increases your personal freedom or autonomy (e.g., learning to drive when previously you had no way to get around)

8. Quitting all forms of social media

9. Keeping your physical environment dramatically cleaner/tidier (e.g., see The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up)

10. Trying, at minimum, one new thing you’ve never done before each week, for a few months.

11. Going through military training, or finishing your time in the military [risks include severe psychological changes from military training and death or injury from battle]

12. Declaring bankruptcy if you are broke and owe money [risks including having to liquidate some of your assets, it may stay on your credit history for a decade]

SOCIAL

1. Falling in love, getting married or divorced, starting a new relationship or breaking up with your partner, especially getting out of a toxic or abusive relationship [risks include being rejected or hurt by the person you love, or having your heart broken]

3. Joining a completely different culture than your own (that appeals to you greatly) and immersing yourself in it fully, or learning a second language and living around people who speak it

4. Undergoing an intervention that is planned by your loved ones, for instance for an addiction that you have [risks include damage to your relationships with the people involved]

5. Completely removing harmful people from your life

6. Completely changing your friend group (e.g., to people that are like the person you want yourself to be) [risks include loneliness or social rejection]

7. Getting pregnant / having a child [risks include dying or getting sick during childbirth, not being able to afford the costs of a child, increased stress, the child having genetic conditions that will make he or she suffer, postpartum depression, and challenges with child rearing]

8. Getting a dog or cat or other pet [risks include the animal behaving very badly or dying]

9. Reuniting with people you have been estranged from, forgiving people who have harmed you, making amends with people you have harmed, etc. [risks include letting harmful people back into your life]

10. Allowing yourself to open up to and be much more vulnerable around others when you’ve been closing yourself off or protecting yourself [risks include others taking advantage of your vulnerability]

11. Spending dramatically more time socializing than you do now (especially if you have social anxiety or weak social skills) [risks include social rejection]

12. Learning and practicing a new set of rules for social engagement (e.g., Non-Violent Communication, or DEARMAN from D.B.T.) [risks include learning artificial rules instead of intuitively effective responses]

13. Finding a mentor or a person who completely believes in you and encourages you [risks including being let down by this person or not being able to find anyone to play this role]

14. Experiencing the death of a loved one.

15. Becoming a mentor to someone (e.g., taking on the responsibility of helping them in every way that you can and determining to be their inspiration, guide, role model, confidant, and advocate) [risks include depression or guilt if your mentee is doing badly, or letting your mentee down]

16. Finding a social environment where people are highly supportive of you.

17. Making a substantial effort to improve your relationship with your parents or family members.

If your life is not where you want it to be, and you feel like nothing you are trying has worked, consider one of the extreme interventions above. Perhaps one of these will radically improve your life, as they have done for others. Just be careful to research and take into account the relevant risks!

In an environment with little criticism, it’s easy to forget about your flaws. But the more aware of them you are, the better position you will be in to correct them. So when you get really serious about self-improvement, being in a position to regularly receive criticism becomes a hugely valuable resource.

Other people see things about us that we ourselves can’t see. In part, this is because they tend to be less biased, but also because they watch us act from a third party perspective, which leads to different observations than occur from inside our own minds. For instance, others are more likely to notice if we do inconsiderate things, or if we have a goofy looking smile, than we are ourselves.

When I started to actively seek criticism from those who knew me well, I made many discoveries. It was incredible to me that I’d been so oblivious for such a long time about some of my undesirable behaviors, and that no one had ever mentioned them before. It became clear that most people (even those who care a lot) wouldn’t risk upsetting you or annoying you, even to tell you something that you really should hear. Fortunately, in many cases, merely becoming aware of a flaw was enough to get me to correct it.

To get honest feedback you shouldn’t ask “How would you say I’m flawed?” That may just be perceived as fishing for complements. What worked for me is making it clear that I’d gotten serious about improving myself, but that I needed help discovering more ways that I could improve further. When people realized that I truly did want to know my flaws, and that I wouldn’t get angry or defensive at what they said, the process went smoothly. Of course, it helps a lot if you really aren’t going to get angry or defensive. If you’re not at that point, hearing criticism from a friend could damage your relationship. Also, you should choose your sources of criticism wisely. Pick someone who is likely to give thoughtful comments, rather than use the opportunity as an excuse to attack you.

When you learn about a flaw for the first time, you’re probably going to wince. It hurts when you realize you’ve been doing something wrong for so long, and that people may have been judging you for it. This is one of the big reasons that so few people actually seek criticism. But if you set the goal of being a great person rather than just thinking you are great person, then criticism is less difficult to hear. It may also help to think about what an advantage it is to be the sort of person who finds flaws and then demolishes them, rather than taking the standard course of pretending they aren’t there. Flaws become opportunities the moment you learn about them, and you can improve at almost anything once you’ve figured out your weak points.

When you do receive criticism, it takes some skill to get the most out of it without feeling too bad. It’s useful to learn to dissect it into its basic types. There are three types of criticism, which often come mixed together:

1. Accurate criticism. This is a criticism that is warranted, and relates to one or more of your flaws.
2. Ignorant criticism. This is criticism based on a confusion or misunderstanding, and it does not actually relate to your flaws.
3. Emotive criticism. This is criticism designed to express emotion or evoke emotion in the person hearing it.

To see how dissecting criticism works in practice, let’s consider a hypothetical example. Suppose that the last three times your friend called you forgot to call him back. You kept intending to do so, but then it would slip your mind. One day, you bumped into this friend on the street. He came up to you and said:

“I just have to tell you, you’ve been an asshole lately. You’re so busy with your new girlfriend that you don’t even call me back anymore. You’re going to lose friends if you keep treating people like this.”

Ouch! Let’s dissect this criticism:

‘You’ve been an asshole lately’ is an example of Emotive criticism. Your friend is simultaneously expressing his negative emotion, and trying to make you feel bad. Although this part of the criticism doesn’t actually tell you much of anything about your flaws, it shows how angry your friend is which is important to know.

The second part, “You’re so busy with your new girlfriend” is Ignorant criticism. In this case, it has nothing to do with what you’re being criticized for, and is merely your friends misperception of the situation, since your girlfriend had nothing to do with you not calling back. Though this doesn’t relate to your flaws, it presents an opportunity to correct your friend’s misunderstanding, and explain what really happened.

The last part, “You don’t even call me back anymore. You’re going to lose friends if you keep treating people like this.” is Accurate criticism. It represents a useful call to action. You need to figure out a system for reminding yourself when you need to return a call, or you might actually lose friends. It can be upsetting to think of yourself as having been flaky, but in this case it’s a fact that you have been. Now that you’re aware of it, you can do something about it.

Breaking criticism into these three parts (Accurate, Ignorant, Emotive) will streamline the process of extracting useful information.

Criticism is easier to hear when you have sought it out than when it is thrust on you. And most people won’t volunteer it, until they are quite annoyed. So don’t wait until criticism comes your way. Seek criticism from your friends, your boss, and your spouse. Even acquaintances can provide an interesting perspective. Break down this criticism into the Accurate, Ignorant, and Emotive components. Know your flaws so you can correct them. Become greater.

Suppose that you know a friend who always eats chocolate cake when he has the opportunity, even when he forcefully wills himself not to. Naturally, you would predict that this person would eat chocolate cake the next time he has the opportunity. But we often fail to apply this sort of simple reasoning when assessing our own behavior. We believe that we have “free will”, and are in control of our decisions.  So on issues of willpower, we believe that our past behavior does not determine our present or future behavior. We say to ourselves, “It didn’t work before, but this time I will simply choose not to eat the cake,” or “I’ll just exert more willpower this time.” But unless you or your motivation have changed significantly since your past chocolate cake encounter, why should you expect yourself to behave any differently now than you did before? If you previously had good reason not to eat the cake, and you ate it anyway, why should that same reason stop you from eating it next time? If there is nothing substantially different about you, your motivation, your willpower, or the situation in which you are being placed, then there is no good reason why you will behave differently this time.

If resisting the cake is obviously the correct action to take in the future, it is natural to expect oneself to be capable of making that correct choice.  From the current vantage point, that is, one without cake in sight, it is easy to see that you should not eat lots of empty cake calories. The problem occurs though when the cake is in front of you, and you are salivating. Now, it is difficult to remember why you shouldn’t eat the cake. When you are planning ahead, you are not quite the same person as you are in front of cake. You are wrong to assume that you would make the same decisions in front of the cake that you had planned to make before encountering it. If a certain strategy for solving our problems has never worked before, and we still believe it might work, we may be failing to model ourselves accurately.

The big danger of viewing ourselves as being too much in control of our actions, or not being subject to our past decisions, is that we tend to try the same thing over and over again. We think, “Next time I’ll just choose to do things differently,” or “Next time I will try harder,” ignoring the fact that we never seem to be able to actually do that. We fall into a routine, trying to solve the same problem using the same method, and continue with that method long after it becomes clear that it is not helping us. We continue trying this method merely because we are used to trying it, or because we keep thinking, “Maybe now I can get it to work for me,” even when there is no indication that anything has changed since the last attempt.

If you have been trying to will yourself out of depression for the past year, it’s time to try something else. If you have been in psychotherapy for your anxiety for two years, with no noticeable improvement, it’s time to find a new type of therapy or explore other methods. If you have not been able to meet someone you’d like to date in more than a year, you should start meeting different kinds of people in different ways. If you keep trying the same old thing, you will most likely get the same old results.

In light of these considerations, one particularly helpful strategy for self-improvement is to spend a couple of hours coming up with a list of new self-improvement methods you are going to try. After you’ve given one item on the list a fair trial, move onto the next one. Make the list long enough that you won’t get to the end of it easily. Keep working until you’ve achieved your goal. The fact that there are many things on your list that you have not tried yet can be motivating, as it reminds you that, even if a few potential solutions to your problems don’t work out, there are lots of things left to try. Hopefully you will not have to go through the entire list, but only work through it progressively until you see sufficient improvement.  At that point, you are ready to move on and improve a different area of your life.

Here are some sample lists of things to try to help achieve some common self-improvement goals:

Anxiety/Stress

1. Read When Panic Attacks.

2. For eight weeks, spend 15 minutes a day trying exercises from the book (for instance, as soon as you wake up each morning).

3. Read The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Anxiety.

4. Read The Worry Cure (if your anxiety comes in the form of frequent worrying).

5. Find a cognitive behavioral therapist in your area, and begin weekly sessions with him or her. (Cognitive behavioral therapy is the most evidence-based treatment for anxiety.)

1. For eight weeks, make a routine to exercise for 20 minutes every morning.

2. For two weeks, practice doing diaphragmatic breathing for 5 minutes each morning, Then, for six weeks, practice immediately doing this sort of breathing whenever you notice your anxiety level rising.

8. Setup an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss anti-anxiety medication.

9. Sign up for local meditation classes and go for eight weeks. During this period, meditate for 15 minutes each morning just after you get out of bed.

Depression

1. Read Feeling Good (skipping the section on medication, which is a bit out of date).

2. Read The Happiness Trap.

3. For eight weeks, spend 15 minutes a day trying exercises from the book (for instance, as soon as you wake up each morning).

4. Read Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time.

5. For eight weeks, spend 15 minutes a day trying suggestions from the book (for instance, as soon as you wake up each morning).

6.  Find a cognitive behavioral therapist in your area, and begin weekly sessions with him or her. (Cognitive behavioral therapy is the most evidence-based treatment for depression.)

7. For eight weeks, make it a routine to exercise for 20 minutes every morning.

8. Each morning, make a list of three things you are grateful for. Ideally, get a friend to do the same, and email each other these lists each morning. Try to vary the list from day-to-day.

9. Each morning, make a list of three things you are looking forward to. If you can’t think of three things, then immediately try to schedule some things to look forward to so that you can complete the list every day.

10. Setup an appointment with a psychiatrist, and discuss anti-depression medication.

Difficulty finding someone you’d like to date

1. Sign up for an online dating website, such as OKCupid. As you write your profile, remember that it is an advertisement trying to attract people you’d like to get to know.

2. Ask your friends (of the attractive gender) for feedback on your profile, to see if they think it is likely to attract the sort of people you’d like to meet.

3. Schedule at least an hour each week to search for new people on the site and send messages to the people you find.

4. Ask fashionable friends how you could change your appearance to be more attractive, and implement those changes.

5. Ask your most socially savvy friends (and people you used to date, if possible) if they can pinpoint any behaviors you have that others might find unattractive, and particularly attractive features that you could work to highlight. Make a list of such behaviors, and work actively on correcting them. Review this list of corrections for 5 minutes each morning for 6 weeks.

6. Read How to Win Friends and Influence People.

7. Sign up for speed dating in your area, and attend sessions once a month. Speed dating events are often themed, so try to select events that will be likely to attract the type of people you are interested in meeting.

8. Ask a few of your friends if they can set you up with someone they think you might like. Repeat this process as often as you can without becoming a nuisance.

9. Join groups, take classes, or do activities in your area where you are likely to meet many new people. Choose these groups and activities strategically: think about which activities will also attract people you may like.

10. Make an effort to attend every social gathering you can where there are likely to be people you don’t know. At each of these events, make sure that you speak to every attractive person for at least a few minutes.