But, on some occasions, it’s actually a very good and useful thing that people gossip. For instance, if someone in a community is genuinely very dangerous, it’s important that the evidence of this is spread throughout the community.

I propose that for healthy, valuable gossip, we use the phrase “Noble Gossip” to differentiate it from its sometimes viscous and often destructive counterpart (which I’ll call “Ignoble Gossip”).

Here is what I would say distinguishes Ignoble Gossip from Noble Gossip.

Ignoble Gossip tends to have these characteristics:

1) It involves spreading false information or information that’s unlikely to be true (without making it clear it’s unlikely to be true).

2) It isn’t clear where the information came from (e.g., “Did you know that X did Y to Z?” leaving out the fact that this is based on a 3rd hand report).

3) It involves vague accusations or vibes (e.g., “I’ve heard that person is toxic” or “I think he’s creepy”).

4) It is mean-spirited or has the goal of hurting people’s reputations (e.g., “everyone knows she’s a s**t and no self-respecting man would ever want to be with her”).

5) It involves schadenfreude or is for the purpose of entertainment (e.g., “Have you heard what happened to X? Serves him right. He’s finally getting what he deserves.”)

6) It includes information that others don’t have a right to know and that it is not societally valuable for others to know (e.g., “Have you heard the kind of depraved stuff they do in the bedroom?”)

7) It would be better handled by taking it up directly with the person who did the allegedly harmful action, but instead, it’s being spread around to others (e.g., “I can’t stand my roommate: they have the most annoying personal habits…but no I haven’t mentioned to them that any of the things they do bother me.”) [Hat tip to Helen Lurie for this point.]

Noble Gossip, on the other hand, tends to have these characteristics:

1) It involves spreading true information or information that’s at least reasonably likely to be true, and it makes it clear how much uncertainty there is in the information while taking very seriously the possibility the information is false or misleading or even that it was purposely spread in order to harm someone, and caveating the information appropriately (e.g., “the source that told me this is pretty reliable, so I’m 80% confident this happened”).

2) The source of the information is clear, or (when that isn’t possible for confidentiality reasons) it is made clear what sort of source it is (e.g., “I was told by a close friend of Z that X did Y to Z”).

3) It involves very specific claims about behavior, not vague categories or impressionistic evaluations (e.g., “Her husband told me that she did PQR but then lied to him right after, telling him she had never in her life done PQR”). The focus on observed behaviors (rather than intent or beliefs) is important because our assumptions about another person’s intent or beliefs are usually just speculations.

4) It has the goal of helping people become aware of information that is important and societally useful or personally protective (e.g., “Before you go into business together, I think you should know that his last business partner told me that he stole money from their business”).

5) It treats the topic seriously and with gravity without making light of people’s bad situations and moral failings (e.g., “His wife told me she was devasted when he did that.”)

6) It includes information that people have a right to know or that is important for people to know to help foster a healthy community or healthy and safe one-on-one relationships (“After I heard that you just went on a first date with him, I want to make sure you were aware that he was previously convicted of sexual assault and spent 3 years in prison for it”).

7) It’s not something that would be better to take up directly with the person who is being accused of harm (e.g., “And then they told me they would lie to my boss to get me fired if I didn’t give them what they wanted”).

One of the worst things about gossip is that it can spread false or misleading information, which can be very harmful. Sometimes false information is spread innocently due to a misunderstanding or mistaken inference, and sometimes false or exaggerated rumors are purposefully weaponized to hurt a person. One of the goals of the criteria I laid out for Noble Gossip is to reduce the chance the information being spread is false or misleading (by citing sources, caveating claims, expressing levels of confidence, being concrete about what exactly is being claimed, and taking seriously the possibility it is false).

Rather than taking either of two extreme positions on gossip (thinking of all gossip as bad or engaging in gossip indiscriminately), I suggest that we differentiate between these two very different types of gossip:

• Ignoble Gossip, which is largely bad and we should aim to avoid (much the way many people try to avoid other unvirtuous behaviors such as lying), and

• Noble Gossip, which we should engage in when doing so is likely to make society or social relationships better or safer.

Not all gossip is the same, and the negative reputation gossip has is only partially deserved. Noble Gossip helps keep people safe and helps communities thrive.

In fact, Noble Gossip is one of the few defenses that communities have against powerful bad actors who have managed to somehow create a positive reputation for themselves.

That being said, even with regard to Noble Gossip we should be cautious interpreting and spreading information about other people. It’s easy to misinterpret events. Additionally, there are usually at least two sides to a story, and even if one side is more right than the other, each side will often conveniently leave out important information because it makes them look bad, and sometimes will exaggerate what they do say to make the other side look worse. 

There are also people who purposely spread gossip with the intention of inflicting harm (sometimes this is true information, but other times its information that’s been made up). So, for these reasons, we should spread social information with caution and care. And, when safety and confidentiality are not at stake, and we think that the information seems important, we should try to go to the original source to find out more reliable information and to hear different perspectives on what happened.

I believe that if the guidelines in this article were to be followed, people would end up, on average, gossiping quite a bit less. That’s because I think a lot of gossip is Ignoble Gossip. However, hopefully some of the Ignoble Gossip would be converted into Noble Gossip, which I would see as an improvement.

I think there is a tradeoff between:

(1) Too much gossip being exchanged, which clearly has a lot of harm (e.g., false information being spread, private information that nobody has a right to know/is not societly helpful to know being spread, information being weaponized by bad actors, etc.)

(2) Too little gossip being exchanged (which means that people have a less easy time protecting themselves from very harmful people, and communities have a much harder time detecting very harmful people and evicting them from the community)

However, not all gossip is created equal – some is societally valuable to spread, and some is societally harmful to spread. So just thinking about the amount of gossip, and not the type of gossip, misses something important. My hope with this post is to outline some important considerations regarding what sort of information tends to be societally valuable to spread (Noble Gossip) and what sort of information tends to be societally harmful to spread (Ignoble Gossip)

This piece was first written on January 28, 2024, and first appeared on my website on February 10, 2024.

We recently conducted qualitative research by crowd-sourcing over 100 open-ended responses to the question:

“What signs do you look for that help you identify people who are likely to be untrustworthy or who are likely to hurt you if they become your close friend or partner?”

We thought the answers contained some insights that may help you to identify people with whom it would be risky to get too close. 

Here is a summary of the common themes that our respondents suggested as potential red flags or warning signs for an untrustworthy or harmful person:

1. Manipulation: This takes many forms, including guilt trips, gaslighting, peer pressure, negging, emotional blackmail, and a variety of more subtle behaviors, such as when someone is excessively nice early in a relationship in a way that is not congruent with their underlying personality. These are attempts to control or influence others without being straightforwardly coercive and without appealing to rational persuasion.

2. Inconsistency and Dishonesty: This includes inconsistencies in narratives they tell and dishonesty, but also more subtle forms of deception (such as repeated small untruths and inconsistencies between words and actions) or a lack of continuity in self-presentation over time. This can also include describing projects, connections, or behaviors in grandiose ways that are detached from reality. 

3. Self-Centeredness: This includes a lack of awareness or care regarding the impact of their actions on others, with a focus just on how situations impact themselves. This self-centeredness can also appear as an over-concern with outward appearances (or how situations make them look), frequent bragging, an excessive focus on seeking attention, and the tendency to only talk about themselves without inquiring about others.

4. Anger: Everyone experiences anger sometimes, but frequent, uncontrolled, or unexpected anger tends to be seen as a red flag. Similarly, approval of vengeful or vindictive behavior (or engagement in these behaviors) can be problematic.

5. Lack of Empathy: A lack of empathy for the suffering of others or an absence of kindness in words or actions can signal that someone is more likely to harm you if you become close friends with them or enter into a relationship with them. 

6. Extreme Emotionality: This refers to emotional instability or extreme mood swings. It is even more problematic when accompanied by blaming others for their emotional reactions, especially when those reactions are highly inappropriate (given the circumstances). Extreme emotional reasoning can cause people to become detached from reality (e.g., “Since I feel angry, you must have seriously wronged me!” or “Since I feel anxious, you must be threatening me!”).

7. Avoidance and Poor Communication: It can be difficult to be close to someone who is extremely avoidant of conflict, who hides intense negative feelings that they experience (e.g., pretending not to be angry when they are furious), or who has poor communication skills, especially when resolving issues or conflicts.

8. Lack of Responsibility and Accountability: This includes impulsivity, recklessness, a lack of consideration for others’ safety, an inability to take responsibility after making mistakes, failing to follow through on commitments, or blaming others for their own shortcomings. This can also include serious addiction issues that they are not seeking treatment for, constantly identifying as a victim of their circumstances while not taking responsibility for their role, and projecting personal issues onto others (or lacking self-awareness of their serious faults).

9. Poor Handling of Their Other Relationships: It can be offputting if someone seems unable to healthily handle other relationships in their life or if they treat people poorly if they disagree with or dislike them. Other behaviors, such as asking to borrow money from someone early in a relationship with them, may reflect a lack of common sense or a general inability to navigate relationships in a healthy way.

10. Negative Talk and Gossip: It does not bode well when someone often speaks negatively of others, especially as a source of entertainment or habitual gossiping. This can include talking badly about past associates or partners, such as saying that all their exes were “crazy.”

11. Judgmentalness: Signs of judgmentalness could include passing harsh negative judgments of others based on little information or being very critical or judgmental of other people’s minor faults.

Please note that these traits and behaviors are a summary of over 100 people’s views, not our personal opinions and not professional advice. If you’re concerned that you might be in an abusive relationship, we strongly encourage you to seek support. Seeking help is a brave and important step toward ensuring your safety and well-being. Remember, you’re not alone, and there are resources and people ready to assist you. 

If you are in a relationship that you want to improve, we have a few free tools that might help:

1. Kind And Effective Communication (15 Minutes): Learn and practice principles of non-violent communication to build stronger relationships, resolve conflicts, and improve your self-understanding and awareness.
2. The Relationship Review (15 Minutes): Examine different aspects of your relationship with a partner, close friend, or family member using an open, non-judgmental approach
3. Managing Arguments In A Relationship (20 Minutes): Learn how to navigate arguments effectively and kindly using a situation of your choosing.

Having social interactions and spending time with a variety of kind people is an essential part of our general well-being, but this can become counterproductive when your interactions are with people who are untrustworthy or who aim to harm you.

We hope this “wisdom of the crowds” summary helps you to identify some of the warning signs of unsafe people!

This first appeared on Clearer Thinking on November 3, 2023, and first appeared on this site on November 8, 2023.