This is an attempt to find out.

This essay is the third in a series examining sexual harassment and assault.

The first essay can be read here, which also includes more information about the study participants. The second essay can be read here.

The results shown below are from a study I ran about sexual harassment and sexual assault on a sample of people in the U.S. (574 people recruited on our study recruitment platform, Positly.com, answer questions about their experience as victims and/or perpetrators of harassment or assault, and 266 of these people were also asked to give free-form written responses for some questions).

In this post, you’ll see sexual harassers and assaulters attempt to give explanations for their own behavior, with the hope that seeing these responses will help us understand the forces underlying this big problem a little better. 

Warning: this post contains extensive discussion about (and numerous accounts of) sexual harassment and sexual assault. Also, note that it is extremely likely that there was underreporting of harassment and assault related behaviors in this survey (e.g., due to unwillingness to admit to it even on an anonymous survey). The purpose here is to better understand the forces underlying harassment and assault, rather than to get accurate estimates of rates of people perpetrating it. Responses were anonymized and typos corrected. Responses were deleted when they were not substantive (e.g., “I don’t know”) or when they misunderstood the question.

I attempted to group responses by the main motivation mentioned by the responders (i.e., putting together similar responses under a header). So the header above each grouping of responses is mine, but the responses below the headers were each written by different study participants.

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Topic 1: Cat-calling – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you cat-called a person that you don’t know (by making a sexual whistle, shout, or comment of a sexual nature)? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you cat-called a person that you don’t know (by making a sexual whistle, shout or comment of a sexual nature)?

MALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: male cat-callers mainly said they did it because they were hoping it would lead to sex, or to show off in front of friends, or to get noticed by (or attention from) the other person, or to signal to the other person that they found that person attractive. 18% of males reported having cat-called before.

Hoping for sex from the person

• I catcalled a girl at a bar. — I was horny and drunk
• Back in the 1990s when I saw a very attractive woman walking by and shouted out a comment to her on remarking her sexy body. — I would like to have sex with her.
• i can’t help it — i am horny and want sex since its been a while
• At the bar while hanging out with some friends. There were some very attractive girls at the bar. — I wanted to get the girl’s attention and ultimately get laid.

To impress friends or show off

• did it leaving a sporting event — as a show of “confidence” for my friends
• A girl walking by while working with my coworkers — Wanted to show off
• I was making a joke while very drunk in a touristy location so I only half feel bad about it because I am pretty sure the ladies in question were prostitutes. — I wanted to make a funny joke and impress my coworkers
• It was years ago while I was in college, I whistled at a woman I found attractive because I thought it would get my friends to laugh. — In order to get approval from friends.

To get noticed by the person / get their attention

• I yelled out of a car window at a girl. — I wanted their attention.
• I saw a good looking lady and wanted to get her attention — I wanted to get her attention
• I yelled, “Hey Hot Stuff” when passing by a person in my automobile. — I wanted them to notice me.

To let the person know you find them attractive

• Saw a hot girl while driving to work — Wanted her to know I thought she was attractive
• A long time (maybe 20 yrs) ago, I was with some friends and I whistled at a couple pretty girls walking into a bar. I certainly was trying to be sexually offensive, just let them know I thought they were pretty. I didn’t even know that sort of whistle was considered of a sexual nature. — I was just letting the girls know I thought they were pretty, they turned and smiled at us. They seemed flattered, we never did actually talk to the girls as they were aways down the street heading into a bar. It wasn’t uncommon for a guy to whistle at a pretty girl, especially back then.

To see how the person reacts

• Many years ago. Can’t remember a specific instance. — Probably because I thought they were cute and wanted to see how they would react to my overture.

For self-entertainment

• Years ago. It’s just a silly thing to do. I did it more as a joke. I didn’t really want that person. — It was a joke. I’m an aloof individual. My true reason is to entertain myself.

To meet the person

• I was with friends in a neighborhood in Miami Beach and I saw a very attractive girl. I made a comment about how attractive she was, she came over with her friends and they all introduced themselves. We spent the rest of the night hanging out as a group. — Because she was attractive. There’s absolutely nothing more to it. That kind of thing happens constantly in that neighborhood, it’s part of the environment.

As an immediate reaction to attractiveness

• I’m a homosexual, and recently saw a young guy pass by, and I said ‘Wow!’ but I don’t think it was loud enough for him to hear it, nor did anyone else. I was saying it mostly to myself, because he was so breathtaking. — As I just wrote, I was just surprised by the beauty of this very independent young man, and did not try to get his attention. I was just appreciating his looks, but I could tell he didn’t even hear me, so this is honestly very superficial, but you did ask for the most recent. However, I’ve never done much of that sort of thing even long ago.

Unclear

• I don’t even remember, I whistled at a girl or something from a car sometime within the past 10 years. — Because I thought she looked cute.
• I can’t remember, but it was quietly to my friends — I found them attractive

FEMALE PERPETRATORS:

Takeaway: female cat-callers mainly said they did it as a joke, or for fun, or to get the person’s attention. 9% of females reported having cat-called before.

Joking/to get laughs

• people think it is innocent to jokingly tell someone they are cute, being dumb with friends — acting dumb with friends
• I was young. I leaned out the window and told a boy “NICE BUTT!” I was with my friends and we were having fun at an event. The funny thing is that had I seen him later, I would have been too embarrassed to talk to him. — He really had a nice butt. We were out.  I was with my friends. We were excited and having a good time. I think I did it because it would make my friends laugh. Oh God, I am as bad as men who do this, aren’t I?

Fun

• I was out with friends and did it out on a dare — I thought they were attractive and that it would have been fun
• Not recent but for fun we did it at a concert toward the performer. I believe that counts since we do not know the performer. — It was for fun and that was it. There was no malicious intent.
• Back when I was a teenager I would cruise at night with my friends and we would yell things out to men or boys that we thought were attractive. — I was a teen with hormones. I just wanted to have fun and meet boys.

To get the person’s attention

• I have cat-called strangers at bars or parties. — To get their attention.
• when i went to the club and i was walking downtown — for attention

To feel a certain way

• This was at least 20 years ago, when I was out with a few friends and we were having fun. The men we cat-called (whistled) at seemed to think it was funny because they laughed and flirted back. — Because I was young and care-free and didn’t think of it as objectifying or crude. I just wanted to feel daring and confident.

Other

• I was younger and catcalled a good looking man riding a bike. — He caught my eye I suppose.
• a couple of years ago in a party with some friends someone made an spicy comment and i wink my eye and answer him in a sexual manner — if i like a person i don’t hesitate in show it

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Topic 2: Making unwanted requests for sexual favors – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you made unwanted *requests for sexual favors* that you continued to make even though you believed the requests were unwanted? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you made unwanted *requests for sexual favors* that you continued to make even though you believed the requests were unwanted?

FEMALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: 4% of females reported having made unwanted persistent requests for sexual favors.

• I kept flirting with my romantic partner and encouraging a romantic night even though he wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to spend his little free time in that manner — I felt bad that previously when he wanted a “favor” I turned him down and was trying to make sure he was satisfied, but took it too far.
• I thought the guy was liking what I was saying but he told me that it made him uncomfortable. — It was for personal gain.
• because my wife was mad at me and she was tired. It was a normal marriage fight in my eyes and hers — Because I wanted to try different things and spice up our love life

MALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: males who made unwanted requests for sexual favors said they did it mainly because they desired sex, or because they hoped the other person would change their mind about not wanting to give those sexual favors. 6% of males reported having made unwanted persistent requests for sexual favors.

For sex

• I black mailed some girl to get in bed with me. — i was just a horny dude
• To my girlfriend — Wanting some sexual action
• asking a close friend to fornicate — attraction to her
• In a hotel with a girl — I wanted it
• To my girlfriend when i want sex — I was horny
• I asked a girl that I had sex with once before to come back with me (for sex) after we went out drinking together with some friends. She had told me earlier that she couldn’t stay over, but I tried to change her mind. — I wanted to have sex with her once again.

Hoped they would eventually change their mind

• I liked the person and hoped they would change their mind. But after a while I stopped after I felt I tried and the person was no longer interested. — I wanted to have sex with that person, I was attracted to them.
• just asking partners for particular acts they don’t seem interested in. — because i thought i could wear them down

To see what would happen

• It was several years ago while on a date in a foreign country. — For the adventure of it. And to see what would happen.

Feeling that the other person should change their mind

• I continued to ask a partner for oral sex but my partner continued to refuse because they didn’t like that I was uncircumcised. — I felt that my partner wasn’t complying because of a preference that they should change.

Perceived mixed signals

• The most recent time was a long time ago. I had a friend who I was very attracted to, and she gave me very mixed signals. That doesn’t excuse my repeated requests for sexual acts, but it was an element of what was going on. — at the time I was unable to successfully form sexual relationships, due to problems with my early sexual development that I had not yet overcome. I was very attracted to my friend, and a lot of that was very much *because* she gave me mixed signals and wasn’t really going to “put out.” It was a very dysfunctional pattern (on both sides).

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Topic 3: Verbal sexual harassment – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you *verbally* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you *verbally* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*?

FEMALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: 5% of females reported having verbally sexually harassed others

Joking

• I have catcalled strangers at parties, or commented on their sexiness, without knowing them and without knowing if that was acceptable to them. — I think I thought it was funny.
• I was super young (elementary school) and didn’t know what was right/wrong or consequences. — I wanted to “try it out”. I didn’t know how to express my feelings the right way and I thought it would be cute/funny

To hurt the person

• During a fight I did say things about sexual experiences and similar topics that were towards someone that I was in a relationship with. I knew they would hurt and that was my intention during that time. — I wanted them to hurt because they had hurt me before.

MALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: males who said they had verbally sexually harassed someone most commonly said they did it in order to hurt the other person, but also mentioned a mix of idiosyncratic motivations. 9% of the male sample reported having verbally sexually harassed others.

To hurt the person

• It’s been 10 or 20 years ago at least. I probably messed with some friends’ girlfriends because I was in a mean mood & thought she was a slut. — Because I didn’t like that particular person & wanted to offend them.
• I was having an argument with a person. — I was angry
• Getting mad at a girl — I was mad and wanted to get to them
• get even with them — be an asshole

To express anger

• During sex, I started to verbally abuse my sexual partner. I don’t know if it was upsetting to him. But he didn’t ask for it ever before or after. — Anger towards men in general.

To impress friends

• I catcalled a woman as I was leaving a sporting event in a vehicle — To impress my friends

Thought the person would like it

• I called a girl cutie, but she didn’t like it. — I thought she would like me calling her cutie.

Feeling of power

• It was amusing at the time. — As a sign of power.

To show the person you find them attractive

• I talked about a woman’s breasts in front of her. — I wanted her to know I found her attractive.

Drunkenness 

• I called a lesbian sexy but I was drunk — I was intoxicated and out of control

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Topic 4: Making persistent unwanted sexual advances – what did people say about why they have done it?

What were the most recent circumstances in which you made unwanted *sexual advances* towards a person that you continued to make even though you believed the sexual advances were unwanted? — What do you think the *true reason* was that you made unwanted *sexual advances* towards a person that you continued to make even though you believed the sexual advances were unwanted?

FEMALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: 4% of females reported having made persistent unwanted sexual advances

• Years ago I felt that my actions towards this person wasn’t wanted, but yet we still would go back and forth with advances as jokes. Eventually it turned out that they wanted sexual advances mutually. — I felt that there was something between “us” and when the other person would start to reciprocate the advances then things started to change.
• At an event years ago I flirted with a man I found attractive. I could tell he wasn’t into me (or the conversation really), but I didn’t let him out of the conversation easily and continued to flirt with him. — He was attractive and I suppose that if he rejected me then I would feel badly? So I wanted to prove that if I flirted better, he might flirt back a little, and then I wouldn’t need a date, because that would be approval enough? I’m not really sure, it was years ago.

MALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: males who said they had made unwanted sexual advances mainly said they did it hoping for sex, but a couple of males mentioned doing it out of anger and some mentioned other idiosyncratic motivations. 9% of males reported having made unwanted sexual advances.

Hoping for sex

• I flirted shamelessly with a waitress even though it was rather clear to everyone except me that she was having none of it. — I was drunk and horny.
• Its been a while, but I liked the person and wanted to do things sexually to them. — I just wanted to have sex at the time and the person was just there.
• my girlfriend stopped having sex with me even though I enjoy it, so I like to do it still — I was horny
• flirted I guess but that’s all. — sex.
• My neighbor is very attractive and I wanted to have sex with her. — She is very attractive and I am very attracted to her and so I wanted to have sex with her.

Anger

• some girl that got me mad that is my friend who was being rude to me — I wanted to get even
• My sexual partner was tired one night, and I continued to sexually touch them while my partner was saying they wanted to sleep. — I thought they weren’t actually tired, just upset with me for other reasons, and I was angry for that.

Hoping for reciprocation of feelings

• In my early adulthood I would make sexual advances towards a relative of mine; she had actually done some sexual things with me but was no longer interested. Still I would sometimes make advances towards her. — I had unresolved sexual issues from early sexual development that did not go well; in addition, I was very socially inept in general. I found her quite attractive and wanted to be with her, sexually and emotionally. I was desperately lonely and horny and she was being nice to me. It was a dysfunctional pattern. I’m glad I’m over that.

Thought the person was playing hard to get

• I was messaging someone on social media and we were showing interest in each other, and suddenly I stopped receiving messages, but kept sending some, hoping for a reply. — I thought they were just playing hard to get.

Fun

• Again, it was several years ago while I was temporarily living in a foreign country. — I did it for fun, for the adventure of it. I didn’t assault anyone, or force anyone to do anything.

Hoping to take sexual activity further

• When I was hooking up with a girl, I attempted to touch her p****, even though she had stopped my hand previously. — I really wanted to have sex with the girl so I was hoping that she would relent. The girl had no problem making out with me and me grabbing her a**.

Unclear

• I told this person I was going to f*** her — I was drunk

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Topic 5: Physical sexual harassment – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you *physically* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you *physically* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*?

FEMALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: about 4% of the female sample said they had done this, though only one person among those wrote about what they did.

• I have slapped the asses of strangers. — Because I wanted to touch them and that’s not appropriate behavior.

MALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: the responses that males gave to why they physically sexually harassed someone were idiosyncratic, all in different categories. Overall, few men reported having physically sexually harassed someone (about 4% of the male sample), which is likely in part due to an unwillingness to admit physical sexual harassment (even in an anonymous survey).

Anger

• A woman was yelling at me so I grabbed her breast to keep her quiet. — I was angry

Defending someone else

• I physically harassed the boyfriend of my good friend…He had physically abused my friend…When he threatened to harm my friend, I reached out and cupped his testicles in my hand… He was quite disturbed and compliant by the turn of events. — I was upset and even scared; but, once he threatened my friend I had to act. I knew he was violent…I did feel a rush of power for knocking him off balance and taming his anger but mostly I was relieved.

Drunkenness

• I was fairly aggressive towards a bar employee to the point where they wanted me expelled — I am unsure, I was heavily intoxicated

Impulsive desire to touch the person

• Several decades ago, when I was a young man, one night I was in a bar and fairly drunk, and I grabbed a woman’s butt. She turned around and punched me, which I deserved. — I was drunk and did something impulsive, stupid and obnoxious. I liked her a** and wanted to touch it. It was a very wrong thing to do. Also I was sort of acting out, “this is what guys are supposed to do, isn’t it?”

Thought the person was coming onto them

• I inappropriately touched a co-worker. — I thought that they were coming on to me.

Hoping to take sexual activity further

• I was attempting to touch the privates of the girl that I was hooking up with. I only attempted several times, and never forced the situation to the point where the girl had to exert more physical force than pushing the hand away. I relented in the end and respected her decision. — I wanted to escalate the situation by further arousing and stimulating the girl, thereby leading to sex.

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Topic 6: Carrying out unwanted sexual activity – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you had sexual activity with a person when you had reason to doubt whether the person actually wanted to engage in that sexual activity, but you continued anyway? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you had sexual activity with a person when you had reason to doubt whether the person actually wanted to engage in that sexual activity, but you continued anyway?

FEMALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: few women reported having continued unwanted sexual activity (when they had reason to doubt the other person wanted to engage in it), only about 4% of the female sample. Only one wrote an explanation:

• As previously mentioned, a time with my husband. Neither one of us were really into it though. And finally, we just talked and communicated about how we were feeling. — Not communicating over the course of several encounters and weeks. Trying to please my man even though he was trying to please me in different ways. Two ships passing in the night situation.

MALE PERPETRATORS:

Overview: about 8% of the male sample reported having continued unwanted sexual activity (when they had reason to doubt the other person wanted to engage in it). The most common explanation given for this behavior was having sexual desire to engage in the sex act (or complete the act if already started), coupled with the other person not explicitly stopping them.

Having sexual desire without the other person stopping them from acting

• i wanted to have and she didn’t restrict me.. — she didn’t restrict
• Like my husband had a plan to have sex at night and because he gets tired he changed his mind but he can’t tell me and I do it because he asked me too so may be that is the situation — because he did not refuse directly
• I was with my girlfriend. I had a feeling that she was not in the mood, she did not say anything to stop me probably to avoid getting me upset. — I was way too horny. I could have stopped if she would have told me to.
• I had sex with a man when he said he didn’t want to that night. I just started applying lubrication a few minutes later and started to enter and he didn’t explicitly protest. — I felt that he was apprehensive because of mental reservations but should learn to get over it.
• this was years ago and someone invited me over…I wanted to have some kind of sexual activity with them [even though we had agreed to just cuddle as friends] and I never had done that with them before, and having them so close was really turning me on, and I think that I was hoping that somehow the chemistry of the moment and the greatness of my desire would make them change their mind, because I thought they wanted to have sex on some level but just didn’t want to seem like they were easy by getting sexual with me too early on. So mostly I was guilty of grinding, and I wasn’t sure how they felt about it, but they didn’t move away or tell me to stop so…I don’t know. I do feel a little weird about that one. — she wasn’t explicitly stopping me or moving away or saying anything, I hoped I would change her mind and be able to both enjoy ourselves more

For sex

• Recently — she was tired and I am very persistent to have my needs filled
• I was at a bar drinking with a girl and later on she was drunk and I seduced her or talked her into having sex. — I was able to convince her to have sex
• A girl was on her period and did not want to have sex because of that. She was enamored with me and as a result, a bit embarrassed to have “messy” sex. She said she would f**** me when she wasn’t on her period…I convinced her to let her guard down and have sex. — I wanted to have sex.

Wanting to finish the sexual activity

• They said stop but I continued — I wanted to finish
• When I was a teenager, a LONG time ago, I did this one time with someone I knew. She was allowing me to do things but at a certain point said “no” a couple of times. I was horny and wanted what I wanted, and she was letting me. It was a seriously f***ed up thing to do. At the time I had significant emotional issues and was not good at interpreting social cues. Also I had gotten some very toxic messages from my environment about consent and masculinity. I was horny and f****ed up and what I was doing physically felt good. I’m glad I’m not that person anymore.

Other

• just to know if she will give it up. — curiosity
• It seemed as though both of us were going through the motions. — We were both wanting an experience that evening.

What do we conclude from this? What most surprised me was the wide variety of motivations for sexual harassment and sexual assault, including:

• anger or revenge
• getting attention
• sexual gratification
• attempting to attract the other person
• impressing others who are there
• attempts at humor
• miscommunication around desires
• self-entertainment or curiosity

Sexual harassment and assault appear to derive from a wide variety of motivations, which are worth grappling with when we consider how to reduce sexual harassment and sexual assault in society.

Every time that you meet a new person, there is some chance that you will end up in a romantic relationship. If we want to assign a probability to this happening in any particular case, that probability will depend on the information that we know about both you and this other person. For instance, if we know that he or she is of a gender that you do not find attractive, then the probability will be almost zero. On the other hand, if we know that the person has similar interests to you, this probability of entering into a relationship will generally be significantly increased. In other words, if we lump together all of the relevant factors governing mutual attraction under the term “compatibility”, then we can summarize this by saying that the probability of starting a relationship with a newly met person is dependent on the information about compatibility that we happen to know.

Now, suppose that you would really like to find a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. This probabilistic thinking leads immediately to a couple of simple ways to speed up the process:

1. Alter where or in which ways you meet people, such that these people tend to be more compatible with you than those you usually meet. Naturally, will increase the probability that each person you meet turns into a new relationship. In particular, a little math shows that if the probability of starting a relationship with each new person you meet is p, then the average number of people you have to meet to get into a relationship is 1/p (assuming that this probability remains fixed, and that things not working out with one person don’t influence whether they work out with the others). This means that if you can double p by increasing the average mutual compatibility of the people you are meeting, then the average number of people you’ll have to meet becomes only 1/(2p), half of what it was before. Therefore you’ll have to meet half as many people to find a relationship as you would have otherwise! And that means that if each month you continue meeting the same number of new people as usual, but you are selective about where you meet them so as to double the chance that each leads to a relationship, you can expect the average amount of time to find a new relationship to be cut in half.
2. Increase the number of people you meet, but without reducing the compatibility you have with the people you’re meeting. In other words, start meeting more people, but not lower quality people. In this case, while the probability of each person becoming a significant other is the same as was previously the case, the simple fact that you are meeting more people each month will mean that you tend to find a relationship faster. If you meet these people twice as fast as normal then it will take you on average half as long to enter into a relationship!

Not only are these two strategies simple, but for many people they are pretty easy to implement. And, they can even be applied simultaneously. Consider using the following approaches for implementing these strategies:

• Sign up for an online dating site. You’ll be able to screen carefully who you message or meet (and therefore likely boost your average compatibility with the people you are meeting) as well as ramp up the number of new people who you meet each month. Doing this well will require an investment of time (you’ve got to construct a profile designed to attract the sort of person you’d like to meet, find good pictures of yourself, get feedback from friends of the appropriate gender on how your profile could be better, search profiles, compose messages, etc.) The more time you put into online dating and the more messages you send, the more people you will meet, and the more choosy you can afford to be about who you bother meeting.
• Ask five friends if they know of anyone they think you would be compatible with. Assuming that your friends know your dating preferences and personality, the people suggested are more likely to be compatible with you than those you typically meet. Repeat this process as often as you can without becoming a nuisance.
• Start doing activities (like volunteering) which provide an opportunity to meet new people regularly. Or join groups of people with specific interests. Once you’ve gotten to know all the people in one group, join another. If you think you’d be especially likely to date a guy who is into philosophy, then join a philosophy group. If you think you’d be more likely to hit it off with a foodie, join a group of people who are into trying new restaurants in your area. When selecting these groups, the key is to choose ones where people you are likely to be compatible with are most likely to be (as opposed to the groups that sound the most interesting to you).
• Make a point of going to every party or gathering that you are invited to where people you’re likely to be compatible with have a decent chance of being. Then, when you are there, make sure to speak to every person that seems at least fairly attractive. When you go to a party but don’t bother to speak to that good look person on the other end of the room, you’ve just missed an opportunity.

If it normally takes you an average of a year to find someone you’re compatible enough with to be in a relationship with, you can reduce this down to six months just by doubling the number of people you meet each month (as long as you can maintain the level of compatibility you have with those new people you are meeting). Furthermore, if you are able to improve the average compatibility you have with people you meet in addition to the number of such people, then you can reduce that six months down even further. If you’re looking for a relationship, the simple suggestions above may save you months of being alone. Sure it may be worth it to become fitter, learn to dress better, learn to flirt better, etc. But some of the biggest improvements to romantic life can be achieved just by upping the number of people you meet, and taking control of who those people are.

And yet, as inscrutable as it may seem at times, attraction cannot be inherently mysterious. Mystery is what occurs when we don’t yet have an explanation for something. There is some explanation for why you are attracted to certain people and not to others, even if you don’t know what that explanation is. And if you were to understand that process of attraction, the mystery would be replaced by knowledge.

To some people, knowledge of this type would seem unromantic. Some would say that if your attraction boils down to specific physical facts about a person rather than mysterious unknowables, then beauty is taken out of the experience. But these facts about when we feel attraction exist whether or not we know precisely what the facts are. The mystery and sense of unknowability live in our minds, not in the process itself.

Fortunately for scientists, a flower still smells just as wonderful when we understand the chemistry and neurology involved in the process of smelling it. And we experience a sunset as being just as beautiful, even when we know that the pleasure experienced can be be reduced to certain neural firings in the brain responding to specific patterns of input. Hopefully, in this vein, understanding what you and others find attractive will not impact the degree to which you enjoy the feeling of being attracted, or how good it feels for someone to be attracted to you. Hopefully, without the illusion of magic, it will still feel magical.

Attraction seems well worth trying to understand, as understanding may provide insight into how to attract others, and how to prevent ourselves from being attracted to those that are bad for us. So let’s consider a number of the components that make up attraction.

1. Face. It’s remarkable the extent to which small variations in the protrusions on the face can alter the magic of attraction. While the precise shape of our faces is fundamentally quite arbitrary (it obviously makes no difference, non-socially speaking, whether you have high cheekbones or low ones, a big nose or a small one, thick lips or narrow ones), facial features obviously impact attraction a great deal. Symmetry tends to be appealing to us (it likely provides some indication of healthy development), as is clear and smooth skin (which may correlate with being free of disease) and youthfulness (which is linked to both less disease and greater ability to bear children). Certain specific facial ratios are preferred (e.g. big eyes in women in comparison to the size of the face, and large jaws in men seem to be preferred). Facial features are likely relevant from an evolutionary standpoint as indicators of genetic fitness and compatibility (facial features correlate with genetic differences that may be relevant to the survival of your offspring). But they also gain relevance because mating with good-looking people is likely to result in good-looking children who are more likely themselves to be able to find mates. Hence attractive faces, like peacock feathers, become more desirable from the point of view of the survival of your genes just due to the fact that others find them attractive, regardless of whether they correlate with any other desirable traits. Of course, plenty of preferences about faces are cultural rather than genetic. If you are embedded in a culture with strong facial preferences though, you unfortunately are still likely to be evaluated based on them.

Increasing facial attractiveness: get a haircut that frames your face nicely, consider using makeup, consider using skin care products that help you avoid blemishes or blotchy skin, adjust facial hair to an ideal length for your culture (men), avoid hair in places that your culture considers it undesirable by waxing, shaving or plucking.

2. Body. Certain features of the body (e.g. muscular chests on men, breasts of a certain size on women, and bodily symmetry in both) obviously influence attraction. Features we are less conscious of, such as the waist to hip ratio in women, may also play a role. Much of what is found attractive with regard to the body is of course not genetic, but determined by societal norms. Specific preferences in body mass index appear to have this quality. In some cultures, for example, higher body mass index is associated with wealth, whereas in others it is associated with poverty. Sun tanning of the skin is also viewed differently by different cultures (sometimes it’s viewed as desirable, other times, undesirable).

Increasing body attractiveness: exercise regularly, lift weights (for men especially), stay close to what is considered your ideal weight (which is culturally dependent), wear clothes that fit you well (e.g. avoid baggy t-shirts), consider tastefully showing off a little bit of skin (if your culture doesn’t view it negatively), and wear clothes that are currently in style (which of course varies tremendously across time and place).

3. Scent. Smell influences attraction to an extent that many don’t realize. People tend to rate t-shirts worn by more physically attractive individuals as smelling more attractive, even when they are unaware of what the owners of the t-shirts looked like. Likewise, people with more symmetrical faces seem to get rated as having more attractive scents than those with less symmetrical faces. One can speculate that the attractiveness of a person’s smell to you might be a weak (but not totally worthless) indicator of how fit your offspring would have been on average 100,000 years ago if they were produced with that person. Comments that people sometimes make such as “the thing I liked best about my ex was his smell” make quite a lot more sense if you believe this idea.

Increasing scent attractiveness: bathe regularly, use antiperspirant deodorant, use cologne or perfume with a scent that appeals to the gender you find attractive (but don’t make these added scents too strong).

4. Eyes. Sometimes what we experience as sexual rapport is generated to a large extent by strong eye contact. In fact, finding an excuse to get study participants to gaze into each other’s eyes has been found to produce feelings of both liking and attraction. The social acceptability of initiating eye contact, however, is highly culturally dependent.

Increasing eye attractiveness: make intense eye contact during conversations, hold eye contact just slightly longer than normal to increase intensity (but not too long or it is considered odd or creepy!)

5. Similarity. People tend to date or marry those that are similar to themselves in traits like cultural background, age, ethnicity, IQ, political ideology, and agreeableness. This is explained, in part, by the fact that we find similarities attractive. More specifically, when others agree with us and seem like us we tend to feel more positively towards them. Finding out that someone else’s favorite movie is an obscure film that we love creates bonding. Discovering that someone hates all of our favorite foods, or disagrees with our political ideology, creates a sense of distance. When we find out that a person is part of one of our in groups (e.g. they know one of our close friends, or they grew up in the same far away country that we did) we are substantially more likely to feel warmly towards them than if we cannot identify similarity or common group membership. Similarities don’t even have to be conceptual to create liking. Clothes and manner of speaking likely have an impact. Studies have even found that we tend to like people more when they purposely use body language that mirrors our own.

Increasing perceived similarity: bring up ways that you and the person you are talking to are similar, actively seek similarities, subtly mirror the other person’s body language, if the other person says something you agree with, make sure they know you agree.

6. Fun. People tend to be a lot more attracted to those that they have a pleasurable time with. It could be that the person makes you laugh, or is a great conversationalist, or takes you to hear awesome bands you didn’t know about. When something makes us feel good, we naturally want more of it.

Increasing fun based attractiveness: do activities with the other person (of the type you know the person enjoys), make the other person laugh, maintain reasonably high energy and enthusiasm while together, be spontaneous, monitor the other person to make sure they are having fun.

7. Status. Men of high status had a strong survival advantage a few hundred thousand years ago. Other people would have been likely to help them out often, they would be in control of more resources, and so forth. It therefore makes sense that women find high status attractive (the extent to which men naturally are attracted by status in women is much more hotly debated, but it stands to reason that high status women are also attractive to men for the same reasons). Status is not so much about thinking a person is objectively valuable, as it is about viewing them as being viewed as valuable by others. For instance, men who are engaged in conversation with multiple women at a bar may seem more desirable to other women than men standing alone, because they seem to be considered at least somewhat valuable by other women (a phenomenon sometimes referred to as “social proof”). Likewise, an actor who you just read about in a magazine is going to seem more desirable than one who you just met through a friend, and a man receiving a standard ovation for a lecture he just gave will tend to seem more attractive than an equally good-looking man at the supermarket.

Increasing status based attractiveness: work naturally into conversation (without bragging) things that make it clear you are liked, popular, or looked up to by others, let the other person see you in a situation where others like or admire you (e.g. giving a well received speech, or around friends that clearly value you a lot).

8. Value. Personal characteristics obviously influence whether, in our ancient ancestral environment, someone was likely to be a good mate. This implies things like being good at providing food, rearing children effectively, and remaining faithful. To give a few examples of value, cross cultural polls indicate that women especially value intelligence, confidence, and kindness in men. Perhaps this is, in part, because these traits correlate with how well the women and their offspring would have likely been treated in the ancestral environment. Lack of confidence may be particularly troubling, as it may signal to the other person that even we ourselves don’t think we are very valuable (though the conventional wisdom is that women care more about confidence in men than the reverse). It has also been found in surveys that men tend to prefer women who are sexually promiscuous when interested primarily in short-term dating, and tend to prefer women who are un-promiscuous when considering long-term relationships. This is what you’d expect when taking a gene survival perspective, since the former case implies that the time invested in mating will not be wasted (in terms of maximizing gene spreading), and the latter case implies that the children you invest time into raising will probably be your own (again, beneficial for gene survival).

Increasing value based attractiveness: work naturally into conversation (without bragging or seeming self-absorbed) things that show you are talented, wealthy, intelligent, hard-working, ambitious or effective, let the person see you in a situation where you are doing something you are very skilled at, be kind and confident.

9. Interest. We tend to like others who like us, seem interested in us, and respond positively to the things that we say. We are unlikely to feel positive towards those who seem cold or distant. In this vein, it has been found that when women smile they appear especially attractive to males (though whether the reverse holds is unclear).

Increasing interest based attractiveness: smile a lot (but it has to be genuine so as not to seem fake, so think about something that makes you happy when you do it), laugh, complement the other person in truthful ways, be considerate, pay close attention to everything the other person says, really try to understand the other person’s point of view, ask lots of questions, let the other person do 60% of the talking, empathize, and say the other person’s thoughts back to them in their own words to confirm you understood what they meant.

10. Trust: We tend to be more willing to open up to people we trust, and opening up itself creates trust (when that opening up is responded to in a positive manner) leading to a positive feedback loop. Usually a person will feel more comfortable opening up to you and trusting you if you do the same first. Sharing something personal will encourage the other person to do so as well (but you should start by opening up in smaller ways so as not to come across as weird). Actively working to develop a deep understanding of the other person can also build trust.

Increasing trust based attractiveness: open up to the other person first, tell personal stories (but don’t go overboard at first), empathize with what the other person says, respond positively to the other person telling you personal things, ask meaningful questions that really help you understand the other person, and if the other person seems emotional about something, gently give them an opening for them to elaborate about it without pressuring them to do so.

11. Touch. When we are touched by someone who we feel sufficiently comfortable around and find sufficiently good-looking, it can quite naturally lead to increased sexual attraction. Some theorize that touching others may be a way to signal high status, which may contribute to (especially women’s) attraction of those who use touch. But whether or not this is true, physical touch naturally causes chemical releases which can lead to bonding and arousal, turning ordinary liking into sexual liking. A brief touch on the upper arm has been shown to substantially raise the success rate that men have when asking women to dance and asking for their phone numbers (but if a baseline of attraction is not there, or if someone doesn’t feel at ease around you, touch can very easily backfire, making someone like you less). And of course touch can make others uncomfortable when it occurs without their consent, so it is especially important to read the other person’s desires accurately and to use caution.

Increasing touch based attractiveness: lightly touch the other person’s upper arm momentarily (but only if it’s appropriate in the current context), sit close to the other person if you have the opportunity (but again only if it’s appropriate in the current context and back away if they give any signs of discomfort or if they back away to make more space), make further contact only if attraction or contact is clearly being reciprocated, read the other person very carefully for any signs of disinterest or discomfort.

12. Time. While attraction is sometimes instantaneous, it frequently takes time with a person for attraction to build. In part this is because only some of the factors mentioned in this article can be assessed immediately. Others you can only perceive if you’ve spent enough time with a person. Generally, time spent together won’t make up for the absence of other factors, but it is often necessary for them to come into play. Beyond that though, as we spend more time with people we usually become more comfortable with them, and are more likely to bond.

Increasing time based attractiveness: spend plenty of time with the other person, especially time that is fun.

The trickiest part about many of the techniques mentioned above is that, while they build attraction if done skillfully, they will also be viewed negatively if performed unnaturally, obviously or awkwardly. For instance, makeup that is too obvious but that doesn’t seem intentionally obvious, excessive eye contact, talking about one’s own accomplishments in a way that feels like bragging, smiling in a forced way, and excessive touch can all severely backfire. It’s sometimes better to have one of these factors absent than to have it be executed poorly (e.g. no jokes are better than jokes that no one is amused by).

When you find yourself strongly attracted to someone you just recently met, it certainly can feel like magic. However, it can be useful to remember that much of attraction is explainable in terms of: face, body, scent, eyes, similarity, fun, status, value, interest, trust, touch and time. Fortunately, understanding this doesn’t make attraction feel any less wonderful, it just makes it less mysterious and more attainable.

Influences: Alex Fanshel, Richard Wiseman