This is an attempt to find out.

This essay is the third in a series examining sexual harassment and assault.

The first essay can be read here, which also includes more information about the study participants. The second essay can be read here.

The results shown below are from a study I ran about sexual harassment and sexual assault on a sample of people in the U.S. (574 people recruited on our study recruitment platform, Positly.com, answer questions about their experience as victims and/or as those who carried out self-described forms of harassment or assault, and 266 of these people were also asked to give free-form written responses for some questions).

In this post, you’ll see sexual harassers and assaulters attempt to give explanations for their own behavior, with the hope that seeing these responses will help us understand the forces underlying this big problem a little better. 

Warning: this post contains extensive discussion about (and numerous accounts of) sexual harassment and sexual assault. Also, note that it is extremely likely that there was underreporting of harassment- and assault related behaviors in this survey (e.g., due to unwillingness to admit to it even on an anonymous survey). The purpose here is to better understand the forces underlying harassment and assault, rather than to get accurate estimates of rates of people doing these actions. Responses were anonymized and typos corrected. Responses were deleted when they were not substantive (e.g., “I don’t know”) or when they misunderstood the question.

Also note that not all examples given by participants are actually of sexual harassment or assault, and while some examples are immoral, not all examples given are immoral (e.g., ones that involve truly consensual exchanges) – it’s best to think of these as the examples people give when asked if they have engaged in behavior that’s potentially related to harassment or assault.

I attempted to group responses by the main motivation mentioned by the responders (i.e., putting together similar responses under a header). So the header above each grouping of responses is mine, but the responses below the headers were each written by different study participants.

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Topic 1: Cat-calling – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you cat-called a person that you don’t know (by making a sexual whistle, shout, or comment of a sexual nature)? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you cat-called a person that you don’t know (by making a sexual whistle, shout or comment of a sexual nature)?

MALE CAT-CALLERS:

Overview: male cat-callers mainly said they did it because they were hoping it would lead to sex, or to show off in front of friends, or to get noticed by (or attention from) the other person, or to signal to the other person that they found that person attractive. 18% of males reported having cat-called before.

Hoping for sex from the person

• I catcalled a girl at a bar. — I was horny and drunk
• Back in the 1990s when I saw a very attractive woman walking by and shouted out a comment to her on remarking her sexy body. — I would like to have sex with her.
• i can’t help it — i am horny and want sex since its been a while
• At the bar while hanging out with some friends. There were some very attractive girls at the bar. — I wanted to get the girl’s attention and ultimately get laid.

To impress friends or show off

• did it leaving a sporting event — as a show of “confidence” for my friends
• A girl walking by while working with my coworkers — Wanted to show off
• I was making a joke while very drunk in a touristy location so I only half feel bad about it because I am pretty sure the ladies in question were prostitutes. — I wanted to make a funny joke and impress my coworkers
• It was years ago while I was in college, I whistled at a woman I found attractive because I thought it would get my friends to laugh. — In order to get approval from friends.

To get noticed by the person / get their attention

• I yelled out of a car window at a girl. — I wanted their attention.
• I saw a good looking lady and wanted to get her attention — I wanted to get her attention
• I yelled, “Hey Hot Stuff” when passing by a person in my automobile. — I wanted them to notice me.

To let the person know you find them attractive

• Saw a hot girl while driving to work — Wanted her to know I thought she was attractive
• A long time (maybe 20 yrs) ago, I was with some friends and I whistled at a couple pretty girls walking into a bar. I certainly was trying to be sexually offensive, just let them know I thought they were pretty. I didn’t even know that sort of whistle was considered of a sexual nature. — I was just letting the girls know I thought they were pretty, they turned and smiled at us. They seemed flattered, we never did actually talk to the girls as they were aways down the street heading into a bar. It wasn’t uncommon for a guy to whistle at a pretty girl, especially back then.

To see how the person reacts

• Many years ago. Can’t remember a specific instance. — Probably because I thought they were cute and wanted to see how they would react to my overture.

For self-entertainment

• Years ago. It’s just a silly thing to do. I did it more as a joke. I didn’t really want that person. — It was a joke. I’m an aloof individual. My true reason is to entertain myself.

To meet the person

• I was with friends in a neighborhood in Miami Beach and I saw a very attractive girl. I made a comment about how attractive she was, she came over with her friends and they all introduced themselves. We spent the rest of the night hanging out as a group. — Because she was attractive. There’s absolutely nothing more to it. That kind of thing happens constantly in that neighborhood, it’s part of the environment.

As an immediate reaction to attractiveness

• I’m a homosexual, and recently saw a young guy pass by, and I said ‘Wow!’ but I don’t think it was loud enough for him to hear it, nor did anyone else. I was saying it mostly to myself, because he was so breathtaking. — As I just wrote, I was just surprised by the beauty of this very independent young man, and did not try to get his attention. I was just appreciating his looks, but I could tell he didn’t even hear me, so this is honestly very superficial, but you did ask for the most recent. However, I’ve never done much of that sort of thing even long ago.

Unclear

• I don’t even remember, I whistled at a girl or something from a car sometime within the past 10 years. — Because I thought she looked cute.
• I can’t remember, but it was quietly to my friends — I found them attractive

FEMALE CAT-CALLERS:

Takeaway: female cat-callers mainly said they did it as a joke, or for fun, or to get the person’s attention. 9% of females reported having cat-called before.

Joking/to get laughs

• people think it is innocent to jokingly tell someone they are cute, being dumb with friends — acting dumb with friends
• I was young. I leaned out the window and told a boy “NICE BUTT!” I was with my friends and we were having fun at an event. The funny thing is that had I seen him later, I would have been too embarrassed to talk to him. — He really had a nice butt. We were out.  I was with my friends. We were excited and having a good time. I think I did it because it would make my friends laugh. Oh God, I am as bad as men who do this, aren’t I?

Fun

• I was out with friends and did it out on a dare — I thought they were attractive and that it would have been fun
• Not recent but for fun we did it at a concert toward the performer. I believe that counts since we do not know the performer. — It was for fun and that was it. There was no malicious intent.
• Back when I was a teenager I would cruise at night with my friends and we would yell things out to men or boys that we thought were attractive. — I was a teen with hormones. I just wanted to have fun and meet boys.

To get the person’s attention

• I have cat-called strangers at bars or parties. — To get their attention.
• when i went to the club and i was walking downtown — for attention

To feel a certain way

• This was at least 20 years ago, when I was out with a few friends and we were having fun. The men we cat-called (whistled) at seemed to think it was funny because they laughed and flirted back. — Because I was young and care-free and didn’t think of it as objectifying or crude. I just wanted to feel daring and confident.

Other

• I was younger and catcalled a good looking man riding a bike. — He caught my eye I suppose.
• a couple of years ago in a party with some friends someone made an spicy comment and i wink my eye and answer him in a sexual manner — if i like a person i don’t hesitate in show it

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Topic 2: Making unwanted requests for sexual favors – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you made unwanted *requests for sexual favors* that you continued to make even though you believed the requests were unwanted? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you made unwanted *requests for sexual favors* that you continued to make even though you believed the requests were unwanted?

FEMALES MAKING UNWANTED REQUESTS:

Overview: 4% of females reported having made unwanted persistent requests for sexual favors.

• I kept flirting with my romantic partner and encouraging a romantic night even though he wasn’t in the mood and didn’t want to spend his little free time in that manner — I felt bad that previously when he wanted a “favor” I turned him down and was trying to make sure he was satisfied, but took it too far.
• I thought the guy was liking what I was saying but he told me that it made him uncomfortable. — It was for personal gain.
• because my wife was mad at me and she was tired. It was a normal marriage fight in my eyes and hers — Because I wanted to try different things and spice up our love life

MALES MAKING UNWANTED REQUESTS:

Overview: males who made unwanted requests for sexual favors said they did it mainly because they desired sex, or because they hoped the other person would change their mind about not wanting to give those sexual favors. 6% of males reported having made unwanted persistent requests for sexual favors.

For sex

• I black mailed some girl to get in bed with me. — i was just a horny dude
• To my girlfriend — Wanting some sexual action
• asking a close friend to fornicate — attraction to her
• In a hotel with a girl — I wanted it
• To my girlfriend when i want sex — I was horny
• I asked a girl that I had sex with once before to come back with me (for sex) after we went out drinking together with some friends. She had told me earlier that she couldn’t stay over, but I tried to change her mind. — I wanted to have sex with her once again.

Hoped they would eventually change their mind

• I liked the person and hoped they would change their mind. But after a while I stopped after I felt I tried and the person was no longer interested. — I wanted to have sex with that person, I was attracted to them.
• just asking partners for particular acts they don’t seem interested in. — because i thought i could wear them down

To see what would happen

• It was several years ago while on a date in a foreign country. — For the adventure of it. And to see what would happen.

Feeling that the other person should change their mind

• I continued to ask a partner for oral sex but my partner continued to refuse because they didn’t like that I was uncircumcised. — I felt that my partner wasn’t complying because of a preference that they should change.

Perceived mixed signals

• The most recent time was a long time ago. I had a friend who I was very attracted to, and she gave me very mixed signals. That doesn’t excuse my repeated requests for sexual acts, but it was an element of what was going on. — at the time I was unable to successfully form sexual relationships, due to problems with my early sexual development that I had not yet overcome. I was very attracted to my friend, and a lot of that was very much *because* she gave me mixed signals and wasn’t really going to “put out.” It was a very dysfunctional pattern (on both sides).

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Topic 3: Verbal sexual harassment – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you *verbally* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you *verbally* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*?

FEMALES DOING WHAT THEY DESCRIBE AS VERBAL SEXUAL HARASSMENT:

Overview: 5% of females reported having verbally sexually harassed others

Joking

• I have catcalled strangers at parties, or commented on their sexiness, without knowing them and without knowing if that was acceptable to them. — I think I thought it was funny.
• I was super young (elementary school) and didn’t know what was right/wrong or consequences. — I wanted to “try it out”. I didn’t know how to express my feelings the right way and I thought it would be cute/funny

To hurt the person

• During a fight I did say things about sexual experiences and similar topics that were towards someone that I was in a relationship with. I knew they would hurt and that was my intention during that time. — I wanted them to hurt because they had hurt me before.

MALES DOING WHAT THEY DESCRIBE AS VERBAL SEXUAL HARASSMENT:

Overview: males who said they had verbally sexually harassed someone most commonly said they did it in order to hurt the other person, but also mentioned a mix of idiosyncratic motivations. 9% of the male sample reported having verbally sexually harassed others.

To hurt the person

• It’s been 10 or 20 years ago at least. I probably messed with some friends’ girlfriends because I was in a mean mood & thought she was a slut. — Because I didn’t like that particular person & wanted to offend them.
• I was having an argument with a person. — I was angry
• Getting mad at a girl — I was mad and wanted to get to them
• get even with them — be an asshole

To express anger

• During sex, I started to verbally abuse my sexual partner. I don’t know if it was upsetting to him. But he didn’t ask for it ever before or after. — Anger towards men in general.

To impress friends

• I catcalled a woman as I was leaving a sporting event in a vehicle — To impress my friends

Thought the person would like it

• I called a girl cutie, but she didn’t like it. — I thought she would like me calling her cutie.

Feeling of power

• It was amusing at the time. — As a sign of power.

To show the person you find them attractive

• I talked about a woman’s breasts in front of her. — I wanted her to know I found her attractive.

Drunkenness 

• I called a lesbian sexy but I was drunk — I was intoxicated and out of control

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Topic 4: Making persistent unwanted sexual advances – what did people say about why they have done it?

What were the most recent circumstances in which you made unwanted *sexual advances* towards a person that you continued to make even though you believed the sexual advances were unwanted? — What do you think the *true reason* was that you made unwanted *sexual advances* towards a person that you continued to make even though you believed the sexual advances were unwanted?

FEMALES MAKING PERSISTENT UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES:

Overview: 4% of females reported having made persistent unwanted sexual advances

• Years ago I felt that my actions towards this person wasn’t wanted, but yet we still would go back and forth with advances as jokes. Eventually it turned out that they wanted sexual advances mutually. — I felt that there was something between “us” and when the other person would start to reciprocate the advances then things started to change.
• At an event years ago I flirted with a man I found attractive. I could tell he wasn’t into me (or the conversation really), but I didn’t let him out of the conversation easily and continued to flirt with him. — He was attractive and I suppose that if he rejected me then I would feel badly? So I wanted to prove that if I flirted better, he might flirt back a little, and then I wouldn’t need a date, because that would be approval enough? I’m not really sure, it was years ago.

MALES MAKING PERSISTENT UNWANTED SEXUAL ADVANCES:

Overview: males who said they had made unwanted sexual advances mainly said they did it hoping for sex, but a couple of males mentioned doing it out of anger and some mentioned other idiosyncratic motivations. 9% of males reported having made unwanted sexual advances.

Hoping for sex

• I flirted shamelessly with a waitress even though it was rather clear to everyone except me that she was having none of it. — I was drunk and horny.
• Its been a while, but I liked the person and wanted to do things sexually to them. — I just wanted to have sex at the time and the person was just there.
• my girlfriend stopped having sex with me even though I enjoy it, so I like to do it still — I was horny
• flirted I guess but that’s all. — sex.
• My neighbor is very attractive and I wanted to have sex with her. — She is very attractive and I am very attracted to her and so I wanted to have sex with her.

Anger

• some girl that got me mad that is my friend who was being rude to me — I wanted to get even
• My sexual partner was tired one night, and I continued to sexually touch them while my partner was saying they wanted to sleep. — I thought they weren’t actually tired, just upset with me for other reasons, and I was angry for that.

Hoping for reciprocation of feelings

• In my early adulthood I would make sexual advances towards a relative of mine; she had actually done some sexual things with me but was no longer interested. Still I would sometimes make advances towards her. — I had unresolved sexual issues from early sexual development that did not go well; in addition, I was very socially inept in general. I found her quite attractive and wanted to be with her, sexually and emotionally. I was desperately lonely and horny and she was being nice to me. It was a dysfunctional pattern. I’m glad I’m over that.

Thought the person was playing hard to get

• I was messaging someone on social media and we were showing interest in each other, and suddenly I stopped receiving messages, but kept sending some, hoping for a reply. — I thought they were just playing hard to get.

Fun

• Again, it was several years ago while I was temporarily living in a foreign country. — I did it for fun, for the adventure of it. I didn’t assault anyone, or force anyone to do anything.

Hoping to take sexual activity further

• When I was hooking up with a girl, I attempted to touch her p****, even though she had stopped my hand previously. — I really wanted to have sex with the girl so I was hoping that she would relent. The girl had no problem making out with me and me grabbing her a**.

Unclear

• I told this person I was going to f*** her — I was drunk

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Topic 5: Physical sexual harassment – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you *physically* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you *physically* harassed another person in a manner that was *sexual in nature*?

FEMALES DOING WHAT THEY DESCRIBE AS PHYSICAL SEXUAL HARASSMENT:

Overview: about 4% of the female sample said they had done this, though only one person among those wrote about what they did.

• I have slapped the asses of strangers. — Because I wanted to touch them and that’s not appropriate behavior.

MALE DOING WHAT THEY DESCRIBE AS PHYSICAL SEXUAL HARASSMENT:

Overview: the responses that males gave to why they physically sexually harassed someone were idiosyncratic, all in different categories. Overall, few men reported having physically sexually harassed someone (about 4% of the male sample), which is likely in part due to an unwillingness to admit physical sexual harassment (even in an anonymous survey).

Anger

• A woman was yelling at me so I grabbed her breast to keep her quiet. — I was angry

Defending someone else

• I physically harassed the boyfriend of my good friend…He had physically abused my friend…When he threatened to harm my friend, I reached out and cupped his testicles in my hand… He was quite disturbed and compliant by the turn of events. — I was upset and even scared; but, once he threatened my friend I had to act. I knew he was violent…I did feel a rush of power for knocking him off balance and taming his anger but mostly I was relieved.

Drunkenness

• I was fairly aggressive towards a bar employee to the point where they wanted me expelled — I am unsure, I was heavily intoxicated

Impulsive desire to touch the person

• Several decades ago, when I was a young man, one night I was in a bar and fairly drunk, and I grabbed a woman’s butt. She turned around and punched me, which I deserved. — I was drunk and did something impulsive, stupid and obnoxious. I liked her a** and wanted to touch it. It was a very wrong thing to do. Also I was sort of acting out, “this is what guys are supposed to do, isn’t it?”

Thought the person was coming onto them

• I inappropriately touched a co-worker. — I thought that they were coming on to me.

Hoping to take sexual activity further

• I was attempting to touch the privates of the girl that I was hooking up with. I only attempted several times, and never forced the situation to the point where the girl had to exert more physical force than pushing the hand away. I relented in the end and respected her decision. — I wanted to escalate the situation by further arousing and stimulating the girl, thereby leading to sex.

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Topic 6: Carrying out unwanted sexual activity – what did people say about why they have done it?

Questions asked: (1) What were the most recent circumstances in which you had sexual activity with a person when you had reason to doubt whether the person actually wanted to engage in that sexual activity, but you continued anyway? — (2) What do you think the *true reason* was that you had sexual activity with a person when you had reason to doubt whether the person actually wanted to engage in that sexual activity, but you continued anyway?

FEMALES SAYING THAT THEY CARRIED OUT UNWANTED SEXUAL ACTIVITY:

Overview: few women reported having continued unwanted sexual activity (when they had reason to doubt the other person wanted to engage in it), only about 4% of the female sample. Only one wrote an explanation:

• As previously mentioned, a time with my husband. Neither one of us were really into it though. And finally, we just talked and communicated about how we were feeling. — Not communicating over the course of several encounters and weeks. Trying to please my man even though he was trying to please me in different ways. Two ships passing in the night situation.

MALES SAYING THAT THEY CARRIED OUT UNWANTED SEXUAL ACTIVITY:

Overview: about 8% of the male sample reported having continued unwanted sexual activity (when they had reason to doubt the other person wanted to engage in it). The most common explanation given for this behavior was having sexual desire to engage in the sex act (or complete the act if already started), coupled with the other person not explicitly stopping them.

Having sexual desire without the other person stopping them from acting

• i wanted to have and she didn’t restrict me.. — she didn’t restrict
• Like my husband had a plan to have sex at night and because he gets tired he changed his mind but he can’t tell me and I do it because he asked me too so may be that is the situation — because he did not refuse directly
• I was with my girlfriend. I had a feeling that she was not in the mood, she did not say anything to stop me probably to avoid getting me upset. — I was way too horny. I could have stopped if she would have told me to.
• I had sex with a man when he said he didn’t want to that night. I just started applying lubrication a few minutes later and started to enter and he didn’t explicitly protest. — I felt that he was apprehensive because of mental reservations but should learn to get over it.
• this was years ago and someone invited me over…I wanted to have some kind of sexual activity with them [even though we had agreed to just cuddle as friends] and I never had done that with them before, and having them so close was really turning me on, and I think that I was hoping that somehow the chemistry of the moment and the greatness of my desire would make them change their mind, because I thought they wanted to have sex on some level but just didn’t want to seem like they were easy by getting sexual with me too early on. So mostly I was guilty of grinding, and I wasn’t sure how they felt about it, but they didn’t move away or tell me to stop so…I don’t know. I do feel a little weird about that one. — she wasn’t explicitly stopping me or moving away or saying anything, I hoped I would change her mind and be able to both enjoy ourselves more

For sex

• Recently — she was tired and I am very persistent to have my needs filled
• I was at a bar drinking with a girl and later on she was drunk and I seduced her or talked her into having sex. — I was able to convince her to have sex
• A girl was on her period and did not want to have sex because of that. She was enamored with me and as a result, a bit embarrassed to have “messy” sex. She said she would f**** me when she wasn’t on her period…I convinced her to let her guard down and have sex. — I wanted to have sex.

Wanting to finish the sexual activity

• They said stop but I continued — I wanted to finish
• When I was a teenager, a LONG time ago, I did this one time with someone I knew. She was allowing me to do things but at a certain point said “no” a couple of times. I was horny and wanted what I wanted, and she was letting me. It was a seriously f***ed up thing to do. At the time I had significant emotional issues and was not good at interpreting social cues. Also I had gotten some very toxic messages from my environment about consent and masculinity. I was horny and f****ed up and what I was doing physically felt good. I’m glad I’m not that person anymore.

Other

• just to know if she will give it up. — curiosity
• It seemed as though both of us were going through the motions. — We were both wanting an experience that evening.

What do we conclude from this? What most surprised me was the wide variety of motivations for sexual harassment and sexual assault, including:

• anger or revenge
• getting attention
• sexual gratification
• attempting to attract the other person
• impressing others who are there
• attempts at humor
• miscommunication around desires
• self-entertainment or curiosity

Sexual harassment and assault appear to derive from a wide variety of motivations, which are worth grappling with when we consider how to reduce sexual harassment and sexual assault in society.

• “Depression is anger turned inward.”
• “Anger is sadness’s bodyguard.”
• “Anger is just a manifestation of sadness.”
• “There is an anger iceberg (anger on top, with sadness, fear, or shame beneath).”
• “In men, sadness and depression show up as anger.”

While there is debate about these ideas among people in the field, my opinion is that these statements are misleading and, in some cases, wrong. I think these statements can promote misunderstandings about the nature of anger, depression, and sadness, as well as what their connection to each other actually is.

In my view:

• Anger is the emotion we experience when we believe that someone is purposely or negligently destroying (or trying to prevent us from getting) something we value. As an example, if someone were trying to hurt our pet, most of us would feel angry.
• Sadness is the emotion we experience when we believe something we value has been lost. For example, if our much-loved pet died, we’d likely feel sadness.
• Depression is the emotion we experience when we believe that we ourselves, or our future, contains nothing of value (e.g., because we think there is no action we can take to produce states we deem valuable). For example, if our pet were the only source of value in our life, and our pet died, we’d likely feel depression. Note: Many people, including many researchers, do not see depression as an emotion at all – only as a syndrome or disorder. I believe depression is also a distinct emotion that we can experience (though I could be mistaken on this point) – much the way that anxiety is an emotion, but there are also disorders of anxiety (like generalized anxiety disorder).

If I’m largely right about the points above, what then is the connection (if any) between anger and sadness and between anger and depression?

Well, some things can generate a mix of anger and other emotions.

We’d likely feel both anger and sadness if we believed that someone had permanently destroyed something we really value. For instance, if we believed that someone had purposely burned down our beloved home.

We’d likely feel both anger and depression if we felt that someone (or something) had rendered our future devoid of value. For instance, if we believed that someone had sabotaged our career prospects.

Additionally, emotions are not all equally available or comfortable to talk about. When we feel anger and sadness at the same time, we may be more aware of one of the two emotions, or more willing to express one of the two emotions to others, which can make it seem like one of them is hidden “beneath” the other.

But can other anger take the place of other emotions? Well, as one example, in some situations where we find it too emotionally difficult to blame ourselves for something bad that happened (that we, in fact, caused), we may blame others as a self-protective mechanism, which may mean we experience anger (towards these others), whereas if we accepted responsibility, we may feel depression rather than anger (e.g., due to viewing ourselves as worthless due to having caused the bad event).

On the flip side, our sadness or depression might suddenly turn to anger if we switched from believing that we had caused a great loss of something we value, to believing that someone else had been the cause of the loss.

Another way that anger can connect to sadness or depression is that if a person feels ashamed of being sad or depressed, and someone tries to get them to talk about their sadness or depression, they may respond with anger, for example, due to feeling pressured or judged.

So yes, anger can be connected to sadness or depression, though it isn’t always. And no, depression is not anger turned inward (they are distinct feelings), anger is usually not sadness’s bodyguard (though sometimes we can cast blame at others, leading to anger, to protect against blaming ourselves), and anger is not necessarily an iceberg (though we can have multiple emotions at a time, and some can be easier to notice or talk about).

This piece was first written on September 29, 2025, and first appeared on my website on November 3, 2025.

We recently conducted qualitative research by crowd-sourcing over 100 open-ended responses to the question:

“What signs do you look for that help you identify people who are likely to be untrustworthy or who are likely to hurt you if they become your close friend or partner?”

We thought the answers contained some insights that may help you to identify people with whom it would be risky to get too close. 

Here is a summary of the common themes that our respondents suggested as potential red flags or warning signs for an untrustworthy or harmful person:

1. Manipulation: This takes many forms, including guilt trips, gaslighting, peer pressure, negging, emotional blackmail, and a variety of more subtle behaviors, such as when someone is excessively nice early in a relationship in a way that is not congruent with their underlying personality. These are attempts to control or influence others without being straightforwardly coercive and without appealing to rational persuasion.

2. Inconsistency and Dishonesty: This includes inconsistencies in narratives they tell and dishonesty, but also more subtle forms of deception (such as repeated small untruths and inconsistencies between words and actions) or a lack of continuity in self-presentation over time. This can also include describing projects, connections, or behaviors in grandiose ways that are detached from reality. 

3. Self-Centeredness: This includes a lack of awareness or care regarding the impact of their actions on others, with a focus just on how situations impact themselves. This self-centeredness can also appear as an over-concern with outward appearances (or how situations make them look), frequent bragging, an excessive focus on seeking attention, and the tendency to only talk about themselves without inquiring about others.

4. Anger: Everyone experiences anger sometimes, but frequent, uncontrolled, or unexpected anger tends to be seen as a red flag. Similarly, approval of vengeful or vindictive behavior (or engagement in these behaviors) can be problematic.

5. Lack of Empathy: A lack of empathy for the suffering of others or an absence of kindness in words or actions can signal that someone is more likely to harm you if you become close friends with them or enter into a relationship with them. 

6. Extreme Emotionality: This refers to emotional instability or extreme mood swings. It is even more problematic when accompanied by blaming others for their emotional reactions, especially when those reactions are highly inappropriate (given the circumstances). Extreme emotional reasoning can cause people to become detached from reality (e.g., “Since I feel angry, you must have seriously wronged me!” or “Since I feel anxious, you must be threatening me!”).

7. Avoidance and Poor Communication: It can be difficult to be close to someone who is extremely avoidant of conflict, who hides intense negative feelings that they experience (e.g., pretending not to be angry when they are furious), or who has poor communication skills, especially when resolving issues or conflicts.

8. Lack of Responsibility and Accountability: This includes impulsivity, recklessness, a lack of consideration for others’ safety, an inability to take responsibility after making mistakes, failing to follow through on commitments, or blaming others for their own shortcomings. This can also include serious addiction issues that they are not seeking treatment for, constantly identifying as a victim of their circumstances while not taking responsibility for their role, and projecting personal issues onto others (or lacking self-awareness of their serious faults).

9. Poor Handling of Their Other Relationships: It can be offputting if someone seems unable to healthily handle other relationships in their life or if they treat people poorly if they disagree with or dislike them. Other behaviors, such as asking to borrow money from someone early in a relationship with them, may reflect a lack of common sense or a general inability to navigate relationships in a healthy way.

10. Negative Talk and Gossip: It does not bode well when someone often speaks negatively of others, especially as a source of entertainment or habitual gossiping. This can include talking badly about past associates or partners, such as saying that all their exes were “crazy.”

11. Judgmentalness: Signs of judgmentalness could include passing harsh negative judgments of others based on little information or being very critical or judgmental of other people’s minor faults.

Please note that these traits and behaviors are a summary of over 100 people’s views, not our personal opinions and not professional advice. If you’re concerned that you might be in an abusive relationship, we strongly encourage you to seek support. Seeking help is a brave and important step toward ensuring your safety and well-being. Remember, you’re not alone, and there are resources and people ready to assist you. 

If you are in a relationship that you want to improve, we have a few free tools that might help:

1. Kind And Effective Communication (15 Minutes): Learn and practice principles of non-violent communication to build stronger relationships, resolve conflicts, and improve your self-understanding and awareness.
2. The Relationship Review (15 Minutes): Examine different aspects of your relationship with a partner, close friend, or family member using an open, non-judgmental approach
3. Managing Arguments In A Relationship (20 Minutes): Learn how to navigate arguments effectively and kindly using a situation of your choosing.

Having social interactions and spending time with a variety of kind people is an essential part of our general well-being, but this can become counterproductive when your interactions are with people who are untrustworthy or who aim to harm you.

We hope this “wisdom of the crowds” summary helps you to identify some of the warning signs of unsafe people!

This first appeared on Clearer Thinking on November 3, 2023, and first appeared on this site on November 8, 2023.

But that’s also how so many others in the past made grave moral errors.

Right now, it seems important to make an assertion that is so obvious that one shouldn’t have to say it: Even in a war, all militaries/armed groups should be very careful to avoid unnecessarily killing ordinary people who are just going about their lives.

Of course, there’s no one value that’s infinitely valuable, so in wild situations, there can hypothetically be times when killing is justified. But the vast majority of the time, when groups have claimed that not being careful to avoid killing innocent civilians is justified, they were wrong.

Sadly, being very careful not to kill innocent civilians is not the same as killing zero civilians. The horrible reality is that war in areas with lots of civilians nearby will almost always lead to dead civilians even when a lot of care is taken not to kill them. But taking great care should lead to many fewer civilians dead than would have occurred otherwise.

When groups PURPOSELY kill innocent people to achieve their ends, I believe that more than 99.9% of the time they were morally in the wrong taking that action.  And if you find yourself advocating for PURPOSELY killing innocent people, it is a very strong red flag that you’re advocating that other people do something very immoral. There are incredibly strong moral priors that say you should take great precautions to avoid murdering innocent people.

In my view, one of the only potentially-valid justifications for killing innocent civilians is to save a much larger number of other innocent civilians. But, also, that calculus should be used with great care – I believe that most of the time, when it ends up getting used in real life, it is actually misused, and ends up (accidentally) becoming a justification for immoral behavior.

This piece was first written on October 17, 2023, and first appeared on this site on October 26, 2023.

After spending a while thinking about my past experiences with such cases, I now have a name for a cluster of traits that I believe, in at least some of these cases, help explain what’s going on.

I call this cluster “Emotionally Reactive Traits.” You could think of someone who has these traits as an emotionally reactive person, or as someone who has a reactive personality, or as someone who is emotionally reactive in relationships, or you could view this as a specific way of being emotionally unstable.

But I prefer to use the word “traits” because I’m referring to rather long-lasting tendencies, but they are not immutable. A person can change these traits over time, for instance, by healing from trauma, going to therapy, or learning to see the world differently.

Emotionally Reactive Traits have two main aspects:

Aspect 1: Strong negative emotions triggered in innocuous situations

The person tends to have intense, negative emotional responses to harmless (or very nearly harmless) situations.

It’s, of course, up for debate what a reasonable reaction to any given situation is. Everyone sometimes has negative emotions in innocuous situations. But what I’m referring to here is a pattern of intense reactions to situations where reasonable, unbiased third parties would all agree that a situation was basically harmless.

Aspect 2: Emotional reasoning with blame

To an unusually high degree, the person interprets their emotions about a situation as indicating the objective truth of the situation. For instance, if they feel scared by something someone said, they assume the other person must have done something objectively scary. Or if they feel angry, they assume the other person must have done something really harmful on purpose. Additionally, they tend to blame other people when their emotions are triggered (rather than considering whether their reaction might have more to do with themselves than the other person’s behavior).

The emotional reasoning can be so strong that, when they are emotionally activated, the facts of the situation (as remembered by this person) get warped to fit their emotion (e.g., “I’m feeling X, and that only makes sense if the other person had said Y, so they must have said Y, even though all the people who witnessed the event say they said Z.”) Important details about the situation or context can get glossed over or forgotten so that the situation (as remembered) better fits their emotional response to the situation.

Of course, everyone engages in emotional reasoning at times (e.g., when we’re feeling anxious, we tend to think that something frightening may happen, and when we’re feeling angry, we tend to think that someone is trying to harm us). What I’m referring to here is a recurring pattern of engaging in emotional reasoning to a very unusually high degree.

Where do Emotionally Reactive Traits come from? That is, why would someone have intense emotional reactions (coupled with blaming others) in harmless situations? This pattern can have a diverse range of causes, for instance, arising from:

i. Past trauma (e.g., getting triggered in situations that superficially resemble those of the trauma, such as a friend saying something harmless in a tone of voice that an abusive partner used to use)

ii. Difficulties reading situations in general, but with a bias towards assuming negative intent (e.g., misinterpreting body language in such a way that innocent behavior seems nefarious)

iii. False beliefs about the world that cast others in a bad light (e.g., being convinced that someone who believes X is bad or scary, even though X is a harmless belief)

iv. Paranoia, which in some cases could be linked to psychosis or drug use (e.g., believing that others are out to get you when they aren’t)

v. Anger management issues (e.g., feeling attacked and getting extremely angry as a result of gentle constructive criticism)

vi. A highly sensitive ego (e.g., a friend doing something that feels at all like a put-down or social comparison will cause an intensely negative reaction)

vii. A long history of being mistreated (e.g., jumping to the conclusion that they are being mistreated – when they are not – due to sensitivity from years of actually being mistreated)

What are some example situations with people who have Emotionally Reactive Traits?

Below are some examples of what you might experience with different kinds of people who have these traits. Note that these situations are NOT real ones I’ve encountered, but I’ve designed each of them to try to capture key themes of what I have experienced with real people who I think have Emotionally Reactive Traits.

Example 1: Traumatized

Riley has serious trauma from an abusive past partner. Riley’s current partner, Blake, unfortunately, sometimes accidentally triggers this trauma. For instance, Riley’s ex used to engage in extremely controlling behaviors (e.g., controlling what they would eat, wear, and say). Blake, on the other hand, is not more controlling than an average partner but sometimes asks Riley to behave differently (e.g., Blake was upset about the way that Riley acted around Blake’s friends and asked Riley not to behave that way anymore). This request triggered Riley’s trauma related to their controlling ex, causing Riley to become extremely upset. Riley blamed Blake for this, interpreting their own extreme emotions as proof that Blake had done something very bad. Riley yells at Blake that Blake is being abusive and misremembers details of Blake’s request that make it seem abusive. Blake is really upset by this accusation and tries to defend themself, but these attempts to defend their own behavior make Riley even more upset, as Riley experiences them as being invalidating.

Example 2: Angry

Gideon has a bit of a hot temper and a fragile ego. He regularly doubts his self-worth but also tries to protect himself from this doubt by blaming other people when he makes mistakes. One day, Gideon asks his friend Alice for a small favor. She agrees to do it but hasn’t gotten around to it yet due to a busy schedule. After a couple of days, Gideon realizes she hasn’t done it yet and takes this as a form of rejection, assuming it means Alice doesn’t care about him. He leaves her a voice message screaming at her for lying to him about doing the favor and accusing her of only pretending to be his friend.

Example 3: Ideological

Jill believes that all masculinity is toxic and that most men disrespect women in myriad small ways. In her friendship with Johnny, this presents a problem because he grew up being taught to engage in “chivalrous” behaviors like holding doors for women, paying for their meals, and carrying bags for them. Sometimes, he attempts to do these things for Jill, and it makes her mad (but she successfully hides this anger from him). One day, when he picks up her heavy bag and carries it for her without asking, she blows up at him, suddenly enraged, telling him she can’t stand his toxic behavior anymore. He is shocked and confused, failing to understand why she appears to suddenly be so enraged with him. His denial of toxicity enrages her further. Jill stops responding to Johnny, writing him off as a bad person. Jill tells her and Johny’s mutual friends that Johnny is a misogynist and suggests that they avoid spending time with him.

What does it feel like if you have Emotionally Reactive Traits?

One reason that this cluster of traits is tragic is that the people who have it are often very good people (e.g., they are often very kind and empathetic), yet they end up with a pattern of ruined relationships.

Another reason it is tragic is that, from the inside, what it feels like to have these personality traits is that other people you trust keep suddenly doing things that harm you. Then, when you get upset, they deny that your emotions are valid and tell you that you are being unreasonable (or they suddenly distance themselves from you). Not only does it feel like people keep hurting you, but it feels like they seem to be attempting to gaslight you in the process, and may cause you to doubt your own interpretations. This is a terrible experience to have.

What other traits could be confused with Emotionally Reactive Traits?

There are a few different situations that might sound like what I’m describing above, but which are importantly different.

First of all, you could simply be friends with assholes or harmful people who WILL repeatedly harm you and then deny it or gaslight you, or be unwilling to take responsibility. This feels very similar, I suspect, to having Emotionally Reactive Traits. The difference is really in the people around you and the facts of the situation. If the people around you are kind and good, and the things you are getting upset about are actually innocuous, that’s really different than if the people around you are jerks who are actually doing harmful things. Of course, there is a great deal of subjectivity here since it’s hard to say what precisely the truth is in any given situation and what exactly is innocuous vs. harmful behavior. But if you find that even with the most good, kind people in your life from a wide variety of social circles, you are experiencing something like this, again and again, that is evidence that you have Emotionally Reactive Traits (but, of course, you could just be very unlucky and are continually surrounded by jerky behavior).

Another thing that may be confused with Emotionally Reactive Traits is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). While people with BPD have an elevated chance of having Emotionally Reactive Traits (because there are some common elements), BPD also has other symptoms that are not related to Emotionally Reactive Traits (such as intense fear of abandonment), and I think that most people with Emotionally Reactive Traits would not have BPD.

How do Emotionally Reactive Traits lead to ruined relationships?

The basic pattern of relationship destruction is that a friend (or colleague or romantic partner) will do something innocuous or very slightly harmful, which leads to an intense negative emotional reaction, which gets blamed on the friend. Then, emotional reasoning kicks in, with the intensity of the negative emotions being interpreted as a demonstration of how harmful the friend’s action was. Details of the situation or context may also be misremembered or reinterpreted in light of the negative emotion, which can cause a disagreement about the basic facts of the situation.

If the friend is empathetic and patient, they may try to accept blame or apologize, but come away feeling that the other person acted in a harmful or unreasonable manner and may (especially if this pattern is repeated) choose to distance themselves. On the other hand, if the friend is not as empathetic or patient, they may themselves grow angry or argue that the person is acting unreasonably, which can intensify the negative emotions, making things even worse and causing a sudden blowup in the relationship.

What is useful to do if a friend or romantic partner has Emotionally Reactive Traits?

I think it is usually unwise to challenge the perspective of a person with Emotionally Reactive Traits while they are in the midst of experiencing strong negative emotions. They are likely to feel the challenger is denying an obvious truth or harmfully invalidating their emotions, either of which may cause anger or other intensification of negative emotions (potentially leading to the feedback loop of even stronger emotional reasoning).

Hence, attempting to directly correct a misunderstanding in the heat of the moment can backfire. A better approach may be to validate the fact that they are feeling those emotions, express empathy and concern, and apologize for accidentally causing them negative emotions without validating any misinterpretations of events they may have. When the acute negative emotions have subsided, that is a much better time to gently explain your perspective on the situation.

Of course, before assuming someone has Emotionally Reactive Traits, it’s also useful to do some self-reflection. Maybe you’re just being a jerk, doing things that hurt this person, or are in denial about your own behavior? A stronger signal that someone has Emotionally Reactive Traits is that they have acted this way with many people in their life, not just you.

Another observation I’ve had is that when people with Emotionally Reactive Traits are dealing with a lot of stress in their lives, these traits may manifest to a greater degree. Basically, the threshold to experiencing this intense emotionality seems to be lowered by other stressors. So anything you can do to help reduce stress for a person with these traits might, at least to some degree, reduce their emotional reactivity or emotional instability.

What should you do if you think you may have Emotionally Reactive Traits?

I think that one of the most helpful things you can do is to learn to notice when you are experiencing strong negative emotional reactions and have strategies you can use in that situation. For instance, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has a number of useful techniques for this (there are helpful books available about these techniques, such as “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook”). Additionally, it can be really helpful to wait until you are in a more calm and collected state to dig into the details of what happened in a situation. If you try to talk it out with someone while you are still feeling really bad, it can lead to unfortunate outcomes.

I think it can also be really useful to recognize that you may have a tendency to engage in emotional reasoning and try to remind yourself that feeling angry doesn’t always mean that you have been wronged, and feeling anxious doesn’t always mean that something dangerous has occurred, etc. If we think of our emotions as smoke detectors for different sorts of situations, yours may be like those that often go off while cooking. It doesn’t mean that there isn’t really a fire, but the smoke detector is not always a reliable indicator of fire. Techniques from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be helpful for processing emotional reasoning after the fact (e.g., considering the evidence for and against different interpretations of an event).

I also think it can be helpful to get really curious about other people’s frames if you have Emotionally Reactive Traits. If someone feels that a situation was really different from how it felt to you, it can be useful to explore with curiosity what they experienced by asking them open-ended questions. Once you empathize with their perspective, you may see that your original interpretation was not as objective as it seemed.

I think it’s worth keeping in mind that you don’t choose to have sudden, intense negative emotional reactions to things. But you do, to an extent, have a choice of how you behave once you are having such a reaction (though it may be difficult to make choices in that state). You also choose whether to seek to reduce those emotional reactions (e.g., to work on yourself or, if you can afford it, to find an expert to try to heal the trauma that may be causing the reactions to occur).

Finally, if you have close friends whom you trust with the information, you can consider explaining to them that you sometimes have emotionally reactive behaviors, and you can tell them how you’d find it most helpful for them to behave in such situations.

People with Emotionally Reactive Traits are typically not bad people (often, they are unusually empathetic and kind). But they can accidentally leave a trail of broken relationships.

As with all aspects of personality, Emotionally Reactive Traits exist on a spectrum. Some people are not at all like this, others are just a bit this way, and others are very much this way. It is people who are very high on these traits that I’m referring to in this post.

If you think that someone you care about may have these traits, I hope this essay will give you some ideas for how you can have a healthier friendship with this person. And if you think that you may have these traits yourself, I hope this essay will give you some ideas for how to have better relationships in the future and reduce the chance of them falling apart.

After posting this, five people have reached out and said that they feel that they have Emotionally Reactive Traits. Here is what one such person said, if you’re curious (posted here with permission):

“I ended up recognizing myself in [this post]. I couldn’t see fully what I was doing that was destroying my relationship with my partner until I saw your systematic and analytical presentation of the Emotional Reactivity concept.”

This piece was first written on August 13, 2022, and first appeared on this site on September 9, 2022.

The same feeling of anxiety that once may have saved an ancestor from predators, today can lead us to sound nervous while giving a speech or blank out during an exam. Anger, while once useful to one of our ancestors for defending his living space, today could lead to bar fights, broken noses and lawsuits. And jealousy, while it helped the genetic material of our ancestors get passed on through the generations, sometimes in our world leads to unreasonably controlling behavior, arguments and divorce. It is clear that, at times, our emotions can make our lives worse.

We must conclude that some of our emotions are essentially misfirings: outdated reactions that would likely have been useful in a different time and place, but are so no longer. This knowledge can help us gain insight into the way we feel, and may allow us to switch to a more objective perspective during times of high emotion. When you feel nervous raising your hand in class, it isn’t necessarily because there is anything dangerous about doing so. But your brain may associate that situation with some ancestral scenario that could damage your social status enough to affect survival. When you are afraid just before a blind date, there is almost certainly very little at stake even if it goes poorly. But the anxiety systems in your brain may interpret it as an all-important mating opportunity, which could be the difference between your genetic material surviving or dying out. And when you feel angry with someone who accidentally blocked your way as you left the train, there may be a misfiring causing your brain to react as though a rival challenged your social status or an adversary threatened you. Of course, it is hard to know in any particular case whether an evolutionary explanation for an emotional trigger is valid (as opposed to an explanation based on conditioning in our lifetimes), or even what the precise purpose of that trigger would have been. But the point still holds: our emotional systems were not designed for this world of 2011. And they were not engineered to promote our happiness, or other goals, but to promote our survival.

So when you find yourself feeling quite emotional, it may be worth asking, “Is my emotion helpful in this situation? Could this be an emotional misfire?”