Self-compassion doesn’t mean being egotistical, ignoring the ways that you have acted poorly, or pitying yourself for the tough situation you might be in. Instead, self-compassion is a way of extending kindness to yourself when you are suffering, are feeling inadequate, or have acted in a way that you regret. There are many different strategies for practicing self-compassion, and some strategies will be easier for you than others. Try some out next time you are feeling low and see which ones are most helpful!

Here are ten of the most valuable components of self-compassion:

(1) Self-friendship: treat yourself at least as well as you would treat a friend who is going through the same situation; taking the outside perspective can often allow us to see the support we truly need from ourselves.

(2) Worthiness: remember that you have value (as all people do) and that your happiness and preferences matter.

(3) Self-talk: notice when you are saying something mean to yourself (aloud or in your head), and rephrase it in a gentler, kinder, more considerate way.

(4) Connectedness: reflect on the fact that, whatever challenge you are facing, others are also facing a similar challenge. You are not alone in your pain.

(5) Change: note that everything changes with time. If you are dealing with feelings that are difficult to stand at this moment, they will subside. This, too, shall pass. Things are usually not as important or permanent as they seem to us at the moment that we are focused on them.

(6) Self-empathy: orient towards yourself with tenderness, understanding, and compassion, especially when you are suffering. Take on the perspective towards yourself that you would towards a child or loved one that was hurting.

(7) Self-acceptance: remember that you, like all people, will always have flaws, and that’s okay. Being imperfect is just part of being human. You can fully accept yourself, flaws and all, and still aim to continuously improve.

(8) Self-patience: note that everyone has their off days, including you. You’ll have times when you mess things up, don’t get anything done, act in ways you regret, and so on. Be patient with yourself, as that usually allows you to move past your struggles more quickly than punishing yourself.

(9) Self-like: remember all the good things about you. Remember your greatest strengths. Remember why other people like and love you. There are good reasons to like yourself, but you may need to actively work to remember them.

(10) Self-observation: notice how you are actually doing (self-compassion meditations can help with this). Carefully observe the difficult thoughts you are having without trying to escape them: what words run through your mind? How exactly do you feel, in your mind and in your body? Being mindful can allow you to understand what you are feeling and wanting in a non-judgmental manner. 

Are you already practicing some of these ten components of self-compassion? Which ones could you adopt next time you are struggling to view yourself kindly? If you’re interested in self-compassion, you might want to check out Dr. Kristen Neff’s self-compassion scale, which tests how self-compassionate you are! 

This essay was first written on October 20, 2021, for the Clearer Thinking blog. It first appeared on this site on March 4, 2022.

(1) Noticing: paying close attention to your negative thoughts instead of pushing them away or trying to ignore the bad feelings. What are the EXACT words running through your mind? How does it feel right now to be you? What do your body and mind feel like?

(2) Allowing: letting go of negative thoughts or feelings ABOUT your emotional response. Be loving to yourself, like you would a friend. Remember, emotions are there to help you. It’s not bad to feel sad. You don’t have to be anxious (or angry at yourself) for these emotions.

(3) Observing: making observations about your thoughts (rather than only noticing them). Which of these upsetting thoughts are true and helpful? Which are false or unhelpful? It may help to write out upsetting thoughts you’re having, which you can then read later (when feeling a little better).

(4) Explaining: trying to clarify why, precisely, you are experiencing what you are feeling. Of course, a person is sad when their pet dies – but why, precisely, are you sad that Snowball died? Can you explain what is now lost that is making you so sad? What will you miss?

(5) Understanding: trying to make sense of the event (especially when it was a surprise or shock). What exactly occurred? How much was due to chance? What caused it? What role did you play, and what should you take responsibility for? What role did others play? What can you learn from it?

(6) Accepting: accepting that the event has happened and acknowledging the new state the world is in – not denying the way things are now or mentally rebelling against reality. This involves filling in mental details about what’s true from now on instead of refusing to update your mental map.

(7) Concluding: [eventually] taking actions that help give a sense of closure. This might be saying “goodbye,” performing a ritual, severing a tie, taking a symbolic action, etc. What can help you recover or move on?

This piece was first written on December 20, 2020, and first appeared on this site on March 11, 2022.