Thanks for sharing your experience!

In case it’s helpful, I’d like to add that even if we have recognised that our feelings are disproportionate and we are reasoning emotionally, it still takes time to process all this and calm down. The problem is, our emotions show during this time and the people around us react to this. I find people often ask me to explain why I’m upset, which unfortunately can feed into the cycle. But physically removing yourself from the situation can seem dramatic, especially if you have already started to display some emotion.

For example, someone recently said something that upset me in a restaurant. I could feel that I was beginning to cry. I also knew that what they said was just slightly annoying and crying or getting angry would be disproportionate. But what can you do? I ended up leaving the restaurant because I couldn’t stop crying. But then it looked like I’d made a dramatic exit because of what they’d said! But if I’d stayed, I would have faced lots of well-meaning questions, which I wasn’t in a state to answer calmly.

I’m sure I can talk to them calmly later and salvage the relationship. I just wanted to point out that sometimes things don’t go smoothly even when you try to do all the “right” things!

She is a very nice person and outgoing. Her personality makes people feel good. But when it comes to me, I feel I am left to navigate an emotional rollercoaster. I feel I have to be hyper-vigilant about things I say or do to make sure I don’t cause a reaction. But still there are instances where she has a negative emotional reaction to something that was so benign that most people wouldn’t think twice about it. Sometimes, the reaction comes from something she misinterpreted or even made up in her mind, and I am left defending or trying to explain something that wasn’t even reality.

There are also the “jokes” or “bantering” that have what feels like an intentional edge or meant to be hurtfful but then explained away when I question them as I just don’t get her bantering. But rarely is there an apology.

And then there are the comments that suggest I’m interested in other women or that I am talking to other women or that other women are interested in me. None of which is true (if other women are interested in me, I am unaware or don’t care) but still I am left reassuring her or defending myself or just downright left feeling uncomfortable and what feels like to me to be an alternate reality.

She will make uninformed statements about what I am doing rather than asking what I am doing, which means that I have to deny what she said then explain what I’m doing. For instance, she could say something like “how was coffee with your friend? Or how was dinner with your family?” when those things never happened and were never planned.

Basically, what it boils down to is that I feel I am always on edge about what’s coming next.

Hi Sarah – yes, most people who have emotionally reactive traits don’t have BPD. That’s because BPD is significantly narrower (and rarer) than emotionally reactive traits. On the flip side, having BPD makes it much more likely that someone has emotionally reactive traits.

To help explain this further: BPD usually involves intense attachment to a particular person along with “Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment” (DSM-V) as well as “Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.” Many people with emotionally reactive traits don’t have either of these more narrow traits.

So yes, BPD and emotionally reactive traits are substantially correlated, but emotionally reactive traits is a much broader category and so most people who have them don’t have BPD (note that only about 0.5%-2% of the population has BPD, emotionally reactive traits are substantially more common).

So spot on!