Eight ways you can validate someone’s emotions in a healthy way (and four strategies to avoid)

October 1, 2023

A lot of times, when people are upset, they want their friends and loved ones to "validate their feelings." I think there is a lot of confusion about what it really means to "validate feelings," and I also believe there are both healthy and unhealthy forms of doing this validation. Healthy vs. Unhealthy Emotional Validation I would say that the main difference between the healthy validation of emotions and the unhealthy version is that the healthy version is based on genuine c...

Six fresh takes on wisdom to help you become wiser

August 1, 2023

Becoming wiser seems like one of the most important things we can aim for. Yet, there's something extremely odd about wisdom: nobody agrees on what it means. Here are six thought-provoking definitions of wisdom that l find it useful to reflect on: 1) Wisdom as self-consistency: Wisdom is an equilibrium where you find alignment between all combinations of your: • values • beliefs • actions Inspiration: Justin Shovelain and Elliot McKernon 2) Wisdom as cau...

My rules for making great spreadsheets (in Google Sheets or Excel)

May 5, 2023

1) Round numbers: use "decrease decimal point" or "format" to automatically round numbers to the greatest number of decimal points that are truly useful (so 0.15, not 0.15121215 and 32%, not 32.42%). 2) Set units: use the "format" feature to make percentages into actual percentages (ending in %), to make dollar figures into actual dollar figures (starting with $), and so on. This makes it easier to interpret figures at a glance. 3) Use formulas: anything that can be calcul...

Understanding Relationship Conflicts: Clashing Trauma

April 17, 2022

Artwork by Alexander Milov | Photograph by Adam Hornyak on Unsplash

Here is a common situation that you might have noticed: close friends (or romantic partners) suddenly have their relationship explode – both people feel like the other one hurt them and that they themselves did nothing wrong. These heart-breaking and all-too-common situations can arise from a pattern we call "Clashing Trauma." It has been estimated that over 70% of adults in the world have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. Consequently, the majority of fr...

Seven reasons why you could be defining a concept ineffectively

March 2, 2022

Note (December 16, 2022): This piece is cross-posted from the Clearer Thinking blog, where it appeared on March 2, 2021. Can a chosen definition be "wrong"? No. If you choose a definition, then you can define a sound or series of characters to mean whatever you want them to mean. For instance, if you wanted, you could declare that whenever you say "phloop," you mean one of those little paper umbrellas that are sometimes found in Piña coladas. That would be weird, but it wouldn't be ...

Seek the Root: how to handle requests more effectively

November 28, 2020

Written: November 28, 2020 | Released: September 3, 2021 When we're given a request, there is generally a deeper intention underneath it. If we get curious for a moment and think/inquire about why the request is being made, we can often provide more value. Example 1: Relationship Romantic partner: I'd prefer it if you respond to my text messages faster. Normal answer: sure, I'll try to do that from now on. Seeking the root: sure, I'll try to do that from no...

Reasons to Forgive

May 27, 2019

Written: March 27, 2019 | Released: August 30, 2021 In my experience, many obvious-seeming psychological concepts explode in complexity when you attempt to dissect them. For instance, trying to respond to a question about "why we forgive" made me realize there are a vast number of motivations for forgiveness. After someone wrongs you, you can forgive them based on:UNDERSTANDING • Empathy - you realize that you would have done the same thing that they did if you had the same choice to m...

The Stories Democrats and Republicans Don’t Agree On

January 20, 2017

In efforts to encourage understanding and openness on Inauguration Day, we wrote a pair of simple, short essays. One is designed to capture the views of the majority of Clinton supporters, the other, the views of the majority of Trump supporters. We had 80 supporters from each group read the corresponding essay and rate whether they agreed or disagreed with each sentence, and whether they agreed with the essay overall. After adjustments based on the feedback we received, we published the two...

When should you seek criticism?

December 11, 2013

A while ago I wrote a post about the incredible value of seeking criticism. Today, someone asked me how we should decide when to seek criticism. Or, as he put it, when should we expect other people to have a better understanding of us than we ourselves do? Here are some rules of thumb. It’s generally a good idea to seek criticism from others when: You care about having an accurate understanding of how others perceive you. It is easy to go for decades without realizing that your posture ma...

Do We Know Why We Act?

November 10, 2011

Looking back on our decisions, we generally feel as though we can explain them. Why did we hire that candidate instead of this one? Because he was clearly more qualified for the job. Why did we go on a date with that person and not the other one? Because he or she seemed nicer. Why did we sentence that criminal to a harsher sentence than this other one? Because she committed a more damaging crime. If we are making our decisions for rational, well thought out reasons, we should be able to explain...