Eight ways you can validate someone’s emotions in a healthy way (and four strategies to avoid)

October 1, 2023

A lot of times, when people are upset, they want their friends and loved ones to "validate their feelings." I think there is a lot of confusion about what it really means to "validate feelings," and I also believe there are both healthy and unhealthy forms of doing this validation. Healthy vs. Unhealthy Emotional Validation I would say that the main difference between the healthy validation of emotions and the unhealthy version is that the healthy version is based on genuine c...

Understanding Relationship Conflicts: Clashing Trauma

April 17, 2022

Artwork by Alexander Milov | Photograph by Adam Hornyak on Unsplash

Here is a common situation that you might have noticed: close friends (or romantic partners) suddenly have their relationship explode – both people feel like the other one hurt them and that they themselves did nothing wrong. These heart-breaking and all-too-common situations can arise from a pattern we call "Clashing Trauma." It has been estimated that over 70% of adults in the world have experienced at least one traumatic event in their lifetime. Consequently, the majority of fr...

The Impact of Indirect Punishments

October 4, 2017

I think it’s important to be aware of what we punish other people for. Including, and perhaps especially, barely detectable punishments that we give (which we may ourselves only be dimly aware of), and punishments that we give to people in our life, such as friends, family members, romantic partners, and work colleagues. Since punishment reduces certain behaviors, it’s important to consider whether we actually want to reduce the behavior we’re punishing. It’s critical that we not punish beha...

Ways to be a Better Friend

September 9, 2017

A list of simple ways you can be a better friend to the people you care about most (including close friends, family members, and romantic partners): INTERACTION - Avoid devices: don't use your phone when with your friends - Give focus: try to focus fully and completely on what your friend is telling you and, if you are momentarily distracted, return your full focus to your friend as soon as you notice that your attention has wandered - Rephrase for understanding: if your friend say...

Your Best and Worst Influence – a two-minute social thought experiment

June 21, 2017

A simple 2-minute social thought experiment for you: Note: I highly recommend that you don't just read this list of steps, but instead, that you actually do them! Reading these steps will not give you any benefit, but doing them might! Step 1 - Think for a moment about the person who is the best influence on you, or the person in your life you don't see that much that you most admire the traits or actions of. Step 2 - Visualize something great this person did or said, or think of a ...

Friction in Relationships from Misunderstanding the Mind

June 17, 2017

I've noticed that a significant amount of friction is created among friends and in romantic relationships due to inaccurate models of how the human mind works, and due to unrealistic expectations of the brain. Usually, these involve assuming that someone did something that you don't like on purpose when it would be more accurate to say they did the thing automatically (and they may need significant practice to change that automatic behavior). Of course, it's still up to that person (with yo...

Human Symbiogenesis

September 10, 2011

One of the most mutually beneficial states that two people can achieve is symbiogenesis, where they take such pleasure in each other's happiness (and displeasure in each other's unhappiness) that they start viewing each other's interests almost as their own. The more strongly this happens, the closer the pair is to being a single, two bodied organism, working towards a common set of goals. One remarkable benefit to such a state is that it allows for a level of optimal allocation of resources ...